Misunderstood
by JaggedHands
Summary: Sergeant Olivia Benson is called to the hospital when a traumatized woman, who doesn't speak, is admitted. What happened to her? Who is she and will Olivia be able to help?
1. Chapter 1

Misunderstood

Chapter 1

"Carisi, Fin! Female vic, raped and left in a dumpster. I'm on my way to Mercy hospital, who's free?" Olivia inquired, eyebrows in a frown while waiting for an answer. The male detectives just stared at each other. "Calm down, don't come at me all at once." the brunette sergeant said sarcastically while putting her coat on.

Fin made a face. "We're swamped, Liv. We're working the ally case, the Richardson's case and the gay bash. Can't Brooklyn handle this case for us?"

"No Fin. We can't just toss the victims aside and say; hi sorry but we're too busy to take on your case so we're gonna let someone out of our jurisdiction take care of it. Have a nice day."

Sighing, Fin lowered his head in shame. "I didn't mean it like that and you now it. I'm just saying that we're on our way up shit creek without a paddle here, Liv." Carisi nooded in agreement.

"Fine. I'll take this one myself. Munch will be back next week so hopefully the pressure will ease up. I'll see you guys later."

Liv walked straight up to the information desk and flashed her badge, like she had done so many times before, she had now lost count. Not that she was counting in the first place. It was more of a habit at this stage than a necessity, the secretaries knew her by name anyway.

"Olivia, I wish we didn't always have to meet under such unfortunate circumstances." one of the doctos came up behind her, sighing in defeat.

"Dr Boland, hi, how are you?" Liv responded, feeling how tired the woman in front of her was just by looking at her face and judging by the dark circles under her eyes.

"Please, call me Angela. I almost consider us friends by now." she smiled weakly. "Just coming off my monthly 36 hour shift. It's been... mad."

"And I thought that I worked long hours." Liv chuckled. "What have we got, Angela?"

Dr Boland sighed and shoved her hand into the pockets of her white doctor's coat. "I'm not sure." she said and looked Liv straight in the eye. "I've never seen anything like this before. She's obviously traumatized and scared but something is off with her. We did some tests and examined her but during that time we had to sedate her. None of us could get close enough to her without her turning hysterical, almost violent. She hasn't said a word of what happened to her, not even her name so for now, she's a Jane Doe."

"You said on the phone that there were signs of sexual assault. Was she raped?" Liv wanted to know even though she already knew the answer to that.

"Yes," Angela said sadly, "there are recent signs of vaginal and anal trauma as well as old tearing and scaring. She's got bruises, scratches, cuts, bite marks and burn marks all over her body. We did a full check up while she was sedated and discovered numerous old fractures that never got medical attention on her ribs, wrists and one on her left hip. Whatever happened to this poor woman, someone was using her as a punching bag and a sex slave. The rape kit is on the way to the lab as we speak."

Liv took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a brief second. "Okay, which room is..."

"Can I get some help in here?!" A male voice screamed loudly over the sudden beeping of monitors and nurses rushed in to see what was going on. "She's waking up." one of the nurses said just as Dr Boland and Olivia burst into the room.

What Liv saw broke her heart. On the big hospital bed laid a bonde woman, so skinny and fragile looking it caused tears to well up in Olivia's brown eyes. She could make out some of the injuries on her body due to the loose fitting hospital gown that had ridden up her legs and the covers had been kicked on to the floor. Her eyes were wide with fear, arms flailing in all directions trying to keep everyone away and her gasping and wheezing sounds made it clear that she had difficulty breathing normally.

"Strap her down. We need to get her IV back in. She must've torn it off." a nurse yelled.

Olivia didn't hesitate for a second as she quickly approached the bed, determined to avoid strapping her down at any cost. "Never tie down a victim." she said firmly and squeeze passed the nurses surrounding the bed. "Leave now, I've got this."

"With all due respect ma'am, I don't think that..."

"I don't really care what you think at this moment. I know what I'm doing and I need you all to leave. NOW!" Liv interrupted the nurse that had just spoken.

"You heard her." Dr Boland said where she was standing by the door looking on at the scene playing out before her eyes. "Detective Benson will handle it from here. She's more than capable."

Rolling their eyes and muttering inaudible words, they all eventually left the small hospital room, leaving Olivia seated on the edge of the bed, her hands softly placed on the blonde's bony shoulders, gently holding her in place to avoid any further injuries.

"Hey, it's okay. You're safe now, they're gone." she spoke softly with a hushed tone that always worked on distraught and upset victims. "No one is going to hurt you, honey. You're in a safe place and the people here only wants to help you." the tall brunette rubbed her thumbs over the rough material of the gown in a soothing manner, hoping to calm the woman some.

It seemed to work as the frail body relaxed slightly under her touch and her breathing became more even and regular. "That's it, just breath. You're okay, you're okay."

Dr Boland was watching from her spot in the doorway, a smile gently spreading across her lips. If anyone could calm a victim down, it was Liv. She had seen it before and it seemed like the senior detective had the magic touch.

"That's it." Liv repeated quietly and slowly brought her and up to brush damp and toussled hair away from her clammy forehead but the woman flinched and pulled away from her touch as if she had been burnt. Liv immediately withdrew her hand. "Okay, okay, I won't touch your face, I promise." she soothed. "My name is Olivia Benson. I'm a detective with the Manhattan Special Victims Unit. Can you tell me your name, sweetie?"

Blue wide eyes stared into brown ones but they appeared clouded and empty, almost distant and vacant. Olivia waited for an answer but when she was greeted with a long silence she sighed and offered the blonde a small smile. "It's okay, you don't have to tell me right now. All you need to know is that you're safe and no one here is going to hurt you. I promise you that." Liv stated in a firm but soft voice.

"Do you see the woman in the doorway? Her name is Angela and she's a very nice woman and a very good doctor." Olivia berated herself for sounding and coming across as so condescending but she didn't know how else to get through to the stranger laying before her and it was vital that she got her IV reconnected. "Would it be okay if she came over here just to put the plastic tube back into your arm? I'll be right here next to you the whole time. I won't leave, I promise."

Liv searched the blue hazy eyes for an answer but the woman had the same blank stare as before. "Okay, she's gonna come over here and she's going to explain everything to you before she do it, okay? You're in control."

Liv hands were back on the frail shoulders, rubbing her thumbs up and down in small patterns, providing some kind of physical comfort and to keep her grounded. The blonde's blue eyes never left Olivia's as Angela gently explained her actions before performing them and, within a couple of minutes, she was finished. Liv also witnessed Dr Boland administer a sedative into the tube and almost instantly she could see the blue eyes fighting to stay open.

"It's okay, you can go to sleep. You're safe and you're okay." the tall woman promised in a hushed tone and watched the pale blue eyes darken in colour before they fluttered close and succumbed to a much needed deep sleep.

Olivia stayed for a couple of minutes just to be sure she wouldn't wake again. She couldn't help but to stroke a pale soft cheek and frown in concern and worry. "Who are you? Where did you come from? Who did this to you?" she questioned herself in the empty and quiet room.

Dr Boland was waiting at the nurse's station for Liv to come out. "You did a good job, detective." she said with a smile.

"Just doing my job." she sighed and returned Angela's soft smile with one of her own. "Is there a physical explanation as to why she doesn't speak? Any sings of an injury or trauma to her throat or vocal cords?"

Angela hook her head. "No, there's no reason why she shouldn't be able to speak. She did make grunting and moaning noises so she's not mute."

"Autistic?" Liv asked.

The doctor pursed her lips in a contemplating manner. "No, I don't think so. Maybe she's just too afraid to speak. We both know what extensive trauma can do to people. Maybe she just needs some time."

The brunette sighed. "I sure hope so." smiling, she placed a hand on Angela's upper arm and gave it a light pat. "Go home, get some sleep."

Dr Boland chuckled and signed her name on a chart before handing it to a nurse. "If there's any change in Jane Doe, I want to know about it, understood?"

"Of course, Dr Boland."

The nurse scurried away and Angela turned towards Liv. "I'm off duty for the next 24 hours but if there's any issues, I don't want you to hesitate contacting me."

"Thanks Angela. I'll keep that in mind."

She watched as the petite doctor made her way down the corridor before disappearing as she rounded a corner. Looking around her there were constant noises, chattering, beeping, ringing and loud voices filling the ward of the busy hospital and she couldn't ignore the wave of loneliness and sadness that swept over her, thinking how scared and confused the blonde stranger in room 405 must be.

Sighing, she shook her head and headed back down to the precinct, determined to follow up on any lead there possibly was on how and why this woman had ended up in a dumpster, left to die, beaten, raped and broken.

Back at the 1-6, things were busy as usual. Officers and detectives bringing in perp after perp, all the same stories. I didn't do anything, I was framed, I wasn't there, I don't know what you're talking about, I'm innocent. The brunette let out a sigh of relief as she closed the door to her office, feeling somewhat gad that she was the boss and had that privilege of having her privacy and peace and quiet. She wouldn't be able to handle sitting by a desk in the bullpen today.

A few phone calls later, Liv had found out which exact dumpster she had been found in and headed over to the address she was given. CSU had already processed the area and she was waiting on results from the medical examiner, Melinda Warner, for any DNA, prints or clues as to who did this.

Narrowing her eyes, she looked around for any surveillance cameras but came there was none there that would've caught anything. The dumpster was located in a small back alleyway, behind a fast food restaurant. Entering the building, she walked straight up to the counter.

"What can I get you?" the young latina asked politely, chewing excessively on a huge pink bubble gum.

Liv offered a strained l smile. "I'm actually not here for the food. I'd like to talk to someone about the woman who was found in the dumpster early this morning." she flashed her badge and before putting it back in her pocket.

The latina's face sank, along with her shoulders. "I came in early this morning. I had a lot of cleaning to do and as I put out the rubbish, that it when I saw her." she shuddered at the memory. "I knew she was alive because she was struggling for air. I ran straight back inside and rang for an ambulance and police. I didn't know what to do, I felt so sorry for her. I wanted to cover her with a blanket but..." she smiled shyly and shrugged, "I've seen many cop shows on tv and I didn't want to compromise any evidence."

Olivia gave her a genuine smile this time. "That was a very smart move. Keep watching those shows." Liv stated. "Was there anything about the woman that stood out? Did she say anything? Did she try to make any kind of contact with you? Even the smallest thing can help us figure out what happened."

The young woman stopped chewing and frowned as she thought hard about what Liv had just said. "Well..." she drawled, "the only thing that seemed odd were the clothes she was wearing."

"Can you describe her clothing?" Olivia fished out her small notebook and a pen, ready to jot down anything of importance.

"It wasn't much of clothing, if you ask me. It was more like a nightgown but one of those old kinds with a frilly detail at the end and it had small light blue flowers on it. I remember because it reminded me of a nightgown my grandmother use to wear when I was a kid. Oh, and she was barefoot."

Writing everything down, Olivia had one last question. "Any jewelry, piercings or tattoos that you saw?"

The latina pursed her lips for a second, pulling up her left sleeve of her black shirt. "Yeah, I saw something here, on the inside of her left lower arm." she said, pointing to the area were she had seen it. "But it wasn't a normal black one. It was a white tatt, looked like scribbles, like a word or something. I couldn't make it out, I'm sorry."

Liv quickly jotted it down, thinking why the doctor or the nurses hadn't said anything. Surely they must've seen it during the examination. "Don't be sorry. You did great." she slipped the latina her card. "If you think of anything else, will you please let me know?"

Nodding her head, the girl accepted the card, placing it securely in her breast pocket. "Is she gonna be okay?" she asked in a weary tone, almost as if she was worried.

"She's alive and that's a good sign." Liv responded, thanked her once again for her cooperation before making her exit.

Back at the precinct things had calmed down slightly. Carisi and Fin was still there, sorting out some details before calling it a day, or evening, since it was just after six pm. "You heading home too, sarge?" Carisi questioned while stiffling a yawn.

"Yeah, this dumpster case is gonna be a tough one. No witnesses, no surveillance footage and the vic isn't talking."

"Well, if there's any conciliation, we closed the Richardson's case about twenty minutes ago. We finally got solid evidence. He'll get ten years for each count. He's never getting out." Fin spoke with a hint of pride in his voice. There was always a feeling of victory when a case was solved, closed, done and dusted. Another perp was off the streets of New York City, making it a bit easier for the detectives to sleep better at night, knowing that justice had won.


	2. Chapter 2

Misunderstood

Chapter 2

Nine am. Olivia walked confidently down the hospital corridor, two cups of hot chocolate, one in each hand. The woman in room 405 had been on her mind throughout the night and she didn't get much sleep because of it. Whenever her mind drifted of to dark places, she had to remind herself of Fin and Carisi's hard work in closing the Richardson's case. It was a small comfort but at least he was put away, unable to hurt anyone ever again.

Some cases were, of course, harder than others. Cases involving children, elderly or people with special needs were the worst. Those who fell under these three categories were the once that had no control of what was happening, too small, too young or too mentally challenged to understand what was going on and couldn't fight back. They were the 'easy pickings' for the perps who saw their chance and acted on their sick urges and needs to satisfy themself.

This case, the blonde stranger who laid in room 405 was going to be one of those. She could feel it in her bones, her mind and her gut. Even though this woman, this stranger, was not a child, nor an elderly or a mentally challenged individual, this case already spoke of torture, intimidation and pure evil. Olivia could see the signs all too well, on the woman's body, the way she flinched at every sound and the fear that shined through her eyes. This case would have to be handled with extreme caution and care, making sure she was safe at all times and that her identity wouldn't leak to the press, whoever she was.

Liv shooke her head to try and clear her mind from all these horrid thoughts and, as she stood outside the woman's room, she took a deep breath, put a gentle smile on her face and entered.

In a split second, all those horrid thoughts, she had fought to keep at bay, rushed back as she saw the petite blonde laying down, on her back and was once again restrained. Her wrists, waist and legs were stapped down to the bed, keeping her from moving at all. Her blue eyes instantly opened as she picked up the sound of someone approaching her. Again she began to struggle against the straps, her eyes wide, tears falling down flushed cheeks and her chest heaved rapidly. Liv knew she was in fight and flight mode and her instincts were to run but, since she couldn't move, not even turn, her body did whatever it had to do to protect itself from harm.

"Hey, easy." Liv spoke soothingly, placed the paper cups on the nightstand next to the bed and slowly, and very gently, placed a hand on her arm, rubbing her thumb over her bare cold skin. "It's okay. It's me, Olivia. Do you remember me? I was here yesterday?" she didn't expect an answer but she was horrified when she saw how scared and hurt this woman truly was. Turning on her heels, she stormed out of the room and grabbed the first nurse available.

"Excuse me, why is she strapped? I made it perfectly clear that you don't tie a rape victim down. It should be written in her chart. I want those restrains gone... NOW!"

The young nurse swallowed and clutched a small bunch of files to her chest, obviously finding Olivia very intimidating. "I... we... she was... acting out. I'm not... I mean, I didn't know, I just... I was told..."

"I don't care what you were told. What do they teach you in med school. Never Ever intimidate, scare or threaten a victim of sexual assault. It makes them have flashbacks to what happened to them and they will shut down." she sighed heavily and ran a hand across her face in frustration. When she spoke again, her voice was softer. "Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you. You were probably just following orders." the nurse nodded shakily, her yes wide in shock. "Can I take the restrains off of her? I managed to keep her calm yesterday and I know I can do it again. This is not helping her in any way." Liv pleaded.

The scared nurse agreed reluctantly and promised to make a note in her chart about not tying the patient down. "Thank you." Liv said firmly and headed back into the room where she instantly met the blonde woman's gace again.

"It's okay. I'm going to take these off and I told the nurse not to do it again. Okay, honey? Here we go." slowly and gently Olivia loosened the straps, one by one, before they were fully removed. She gasped at the redness around her wrists. "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry." without thinking, she skimmed her fingertips softly over the bruised area but the woman flinched and brought both her arms up to her chest.

"I won't hurt you, I promise. I'm here to help, okay?" the tall brunette vowed as she held her hands up in the air, indicating that she ment no harm.

Still weary of the woman standing next to the bed, the blonde hesitantly lowered them to have them rest on her stomach. That's when Olivia saw the tattoo. The white scribbles the latina had told her about. "Can I see your arm? I just want to look, okay? I'm not going to hurt you." she asked with the softest voice and her eyes misty from empathy and concern. "Please!" she whispered faintly.

The small woman searched the brown kind eyes for a long time. Flickering her gace from one to the other, looking for some kind of reassurance that this woman was not, in fact, going to cause her any pain and that she was indeed here to help. After a while she reluctantly and shakily stretched her left arm out for the brunette to see.

Narrowing her eyes, Olivia couldn't make it out at first but looking at it more closely it suddenly became clear that it was a name. Probably her own name, Liv silently guessed. It read 'Amanda'.

"Is that your name?" the detective questioned quietly. "Is your name Amanda?" Liv watched as blue eyes connected with hers for a few seconds before she, barely visibly, nodded her head. "Okay, good. That's good." Liv smiled and suddenly realised that she had reached out, unaware of her actions, placed her larger and secure hand on the small woman's arm and was unconsciously stroking the pale skin with the pad of her thumb. To her surprise, Amanda hadn't pulled back or even flinched from the touch and to Olivia that was a huge step.

"Oh, I almost forgot." the brunette reached for the cups standing on the bedside table and handed one over to Amanda. "I brought you a hot chocolate."

Again, the blonde scanned Olivia from top to toe, obviously trying to figure her out, before she accepted the warm paper cup with a shaky hand, almost spilling it's contents. "Easy." Liv soothed and placed one of her hands, around the cup, on top of Amanda's to calm her nerves and ease the trembling.

Blue yes shot up in surprise at Olivia's sudden move. She flinched at the touch but didn't pull away this time. Instead, she gaced down at the warm hand covering hers, studying every freckle, every line and every imperfection on the larger delicate hand and it's long defined fingers.

Liv withdrew her hand and offered a comforting smile. "They said in the cafeteria that it's good. Made from warm milk and not water." Olivia carefully encouraged and took a sip of her own beverage to prove that it was indeed pretty good.

Amanda brought the cup slowly to her lips and let the warm liquid sooth her throat, tasting the sweetness of the chocolate on her lips. "Good, ugh?" Liv encouraged, still smiling but frowned slightly as she witnessed a tremor taking a hold of the small frame. The covers were only providing warmth to her lower half of her body and the cool air in the room wasn't helping the matter.

"Are you cold? Would you like an extra blanket?"

Amanda just stared at her with frightened eyes, biting her lower lip in fear and confusion. "I'll get you one." Liv announced, walked over to the small standard wardrobe, that was positioned in every room of the hospital, and pulled out a big blue blanket with the logo of the hospital on it.

Walking back to the bed, she hesitated slightly, not sure if 'tucking her in' would be appropriate. She didn't want to cause any more pain and trauma to this woman amd was unsure of what to do. "Would it be okay if I placed this over you? You just look very cold, honey. Can I?"

Suddenly, Amanda opened her mouth as if she was about to say something but snapped it shut a second later, as if she had done a terrible mistake and would be punished for it. She eyed Olivia thoroughly before accepting the offer reluctantly by nodding her head once.

"Okay." Olivia smiled, causing her eyes to brighten as she approached the bed, holding the blanket out and, slowly but gently, she began to cover the frozen form, starting down by her feet and working her way up. When Liv finally reached her top half, they were close enough to each other's faces for their breaths to mingle and for Olivia to see how damaged and broken this woman really was. It was all too evident in the blue eyes before her and it tore at her heart to think about what this woman must've gone through.

She was caught of guard when she felt slender cold fingers fumble with the chain she wore around her neck, looking at it intensely, twisting and turning it around, studying it very closely. Mesmerized.

Puzzled by Amanda's reaction to it, she sat down on the edge of the bed, close enough for the blonde to keep touching it. "A friend gave it to me a long time ago. 'Fearlessness', it works." she whispered softly, cocked her head to one side and took in the beautiful and gentle features of the stranger laying in front of her. "What happened to you, sweety?" Liv asked in such a gentle voice that she almost surprised herself. "Who did this to you?"

Amanda dropped her hand and turned her head towards the window that faced the other part of the big depressing building she was in. Olivia could make out tears brimming in her eyes, her bottom lip quivered and her mouth tightened.

"Did someone tell you not to talk? That something terrible was going to happen if you did? Are you scared that if you talk you'll get into trouble?"

The silent blonde struggled with her tears, trying to make them stop but they somehow seemed to find a way of their own to spill down her cheeks. She shook from the effort of holding her emotions in and the cup she held in her hand was dangerously close to being dropped. Liv gently eased the cup out of trembling hands and set it down next to hers.

"Hey, it's okay. You're safe now. You can talk to me, honey. I'm not going to punish you for talking, nobody is. I just need to know what happened and who did this to you so I can put a stop to it for good. Nothing bad is going to happen, I promise you that."

Amanda tightened her lips even further, shook her head vigorously and pulled at the blanket, trying to cover her face with it so Olivia wouldn't be able to see the tears and shame in her eyes. "Whatever happened, sweety, it wasn't your fault. You did nothing wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed about. Nothing." Liv confirmed with a firm tone, doing her best to get the message across and for the blonde to understand.

Suddenly, the loud ringing of Olivia's cell phone echoed through the walls, causing Amanda to jump. "It's okay, it's just my phone, see?" Liv held it up and glanced at the screen. It was the ME's office. "Benson!" she answered in a proffesional tone that was so different from the soft and gentle one she had just used to comfort Amanda. There was a short silence and the brunette's facial features changed from a, somewhat, relaxed state to a tense and worried one. "Okay, I'll be there within an hour. Thanks, Melinda."

As she hung up she noticed that Amanda's eyes were once again fixed on the window, her cheeks wet from tears but her lips were finally relaxed. Sighing, Olivia began to stand. "I have to go but I'll be back later this evening, okay?" there was no response coming from the petite woman, visibly or verbally, not even a blink of an eye to show some kind of recognition or awareness that she was listening to the detective standing by her bedside.

Olivia sighed sadly and began to exit the room when she suddenly stopped. She thought about what she was just about to do and she turned back towards the bed, walking to the other side of it to deliberately block Amanda's view of the window. She swiftly unhooked her necklace and held it out between them, causing it to dangle in the air.

"Give me your hand." Liv urged softly and let her fingers brush against the cool pale skin of Amanda's right hand. She held the blonde woman's hand, palm upright and let the golden chain fall into it. "Why don't you hold on to this for me? Just until you feel better. It has helped me countless of times. Now, it's your turn."


	3. Chapter 3

Misunderstood

Chapter 3

"Melinda, you got the results back yet?" Liv entered the morgue in search for the ME and friend.

"That's why I called you, detective. I'm in the lab."

"What did you find?" the brunette answered, concerned and eager to find out the results from the, carefully canvassed crime scene.

"DNA from four different men on her nightgown but no match in codis." Liv sighed in frutration. "But I did find something interesting." Melinda added. "Jane Doe must've..."

"Amanda." Liv interrupted. "Her name is Amanda. She has a tattoo on her lower left arm of her name."

The african american woman nodded. "Okay, Amanda, did vomit inside the dumpster. After analysing the contents of her stomach, which wasn't much, I did found traces of corn starch, potato starch, rice flour and red wine. The cheap kind if you ask me."

Olivia frowned in confusion and sat down in the hard plastic chair positioned next to where her friend was seated. "Bread?" she questioned.

"Not just any bread. I believe it's a version of altar bread, usually taken during a holy communion. Hostia is another name for it. I also found traces of silk under her nails. I also did a close inspection of a hair sample and also found the same cheap wine all over it."

"Like someone threw wine in her face?" Olivia was confused and bewildered as to why traces of silk, wine and altar bread would be found on, and in, Amanda's body. She didn't understand what was going on.

"That, or someone might've fully submerged her head into it. There was not much else inside her stomach except for oats and water."

Again, Liv gave Melinda a puzzled stare. "Oats and water? So she was fed?"

"Unfortunately, the oats and water was not to fill the purpose of feeding her." she stated firmly. "It's a way of torture that was used about two or three hundred years ago by the church to cleanse the soul and body from evil spirits or a wicked and filthy mind. They start by force feeding the victim raw oat and then make them drink boiling water. The oats will eventually start to swell, causing the victim to experience terrible stomach cramps and discomfort and will eventually have no choice but to throw it all back up to get rid of, what the church would see as, any impurities. I can only speculate at this point but that is what I believed happened. The wine and hostia was probably given to her afterwards, an attempt to purify her soul with God's body and blood."

This was all too much to take in. Olivia's head was spinning and she had to take several deep breaths to sort her mind and thoughts. "And you're sure about this?" she asked in a shaky voice.

"As I said, I can only speculate and work with the evidence I've got but, it looks that way."

"What about the silk under her nails?" the detective questioned after a minute of silence.

Melinda sighed and pursed her lips, a bit baffled herself as to why the silk had ended up under the victim's nails and how. "Well, if I'm right about the hostia, wine and oat theory then I can only guess that the silk is from a stole." when Liv brought her eyebrows together, puzzled, did Melinda explain in further detail. "A stole, or a vestment, are used by priests. They're usually made out of silk and they're worn around the neck, hanging down in the front with religious symbols on each end, usually a cross or sometimes a dove. It serves as some kind of protection from evil spirits and demons and they were frequently used in performing exorcisms."

"Exorcisms?" Liv had to breathe for a minute, letting the upsetting information sink in. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. It sounded like it was all coming from a horror movie and her brain just couldn't wrap itself around it. It was all too surreal and she could only imagine what Amanda must've gone through if Melinda's theory was correct.

"So we're basically back to square one." Liv announced. "We've got no leads whatsoever to who did this?"

The ME sighed and sat back in her chair. "Unless you want to interrogate every priest in New York and have them leave a DNA sample." she suggested, knowing that that would not be an option. "The only way you're gonna catch these guys is to make Amanda tell you her story so she can make an ID."

"She hasn't said a word to anyone. Not her doctor, to any of the nurses or me. I can't force it out of her." tiredly, she rubbed her hand over her face, thinking about how to proceed from here.

"Give her time and she'll come around. She's probably too traumatized to speak. Some victims are so drained and brainwashed that they think that if they speak they will suffer the consequences of it. I do believe that she will talk to you when she feels safe and ready. I know you can't force it out of her, that will only make it worse, just get her to trust you and she will open up."

The detective shook her head, causing her brown soft locks to flow freely around her shoulders. "I just don't know how much time we have. They might still be doing it to other people and there's nothing we can do about it."

Melinda placed a gentle hand on her lower arm and gave it a soft squeeze. "Just do your best, Liv. That's all you can do."

When Olivia entered room 405 later on that evening, she found the room empty. The bed was made with fresh linens, the floor was slightly damp from a recent mop and all the machines were turned off. Her heart picked up speed and she quickly checked the bathroom but came up empty handed. "Excuse me." she grabbed the first nurse that passed by, flashing her badge. "Where is the patient in room 405? Blonde, in her thirties, doesn't speak."

"Um, I'll check. Hold on." she walked over to the nurse's station and typed something in on the computer and scanned the screen. "It says here that she was moved to the psych ward just after lunch time. It's two floors up, room 620."

Fuming, Olivia stormed down towards the elevator, her cell phone ready in hand and dialed Dr Boland's number. She explained the whole situation and Angela promised to sort it out before the end of the day. "That shouldn't have happened, Olivia. I'm so sorry. If I had known I would've stopped them straight away. I'll meet you in an hour at the hospital."

Liv felt bad for interrupting her day off but this was an emergency. Amanda didn't belond in the psych ward. She wasn't crazy or deluded, just traumatized and misunderstood. This was unacceptable.

As she approached the room she heard a loud male voice coming from inside and she began to run. While entering she spotted a male doctor standing next to the bed, writing something down on a clipboard and asking her questions that, she obviously, couldn't answer. As she got closer to the bed she, once again, noticed that Amanda had been strapped down and was desperately pulling at the restraints, trying to break free, tears running rapidly down her cheeks, clouding her vision.

"Get away from her." she barked and approached the doctor.

Bringing his head up, he eyed her from top to toe in a patronising manner. "And you are?"

Liv was raging but tried to stay as calm and collected as she could for Amanda's sake. "Olivia Benson." she answered between clenched teeth and flashed her badge yet again. "Detective Olivia Benson, Manhattan SVU. Step away from her."

"With all due respect Miss Benson but I think that..."

"It's detective to you, and if you don't leave this room right now I will have to arrest you for obstruction." she moved her jacket to the side so he could get a glimpse of the metal from the cuffs, threatening him with intimidation and authority.

He sighed, placed his pen in the breast pocket of his white coat, that was a size too small, and snorted. "Fine."

As soon as he left she began working on freeing the woman for a third time, while speaking gently to her. "I'm so sorry, Amanda. This shouldn't have happened, sweetheart. You're okay now. Everything is okay."

When the restraints were gone, the blonde curled up into a foetal position facing away from her, covered her face with one hand while the other one was curled into a tight fist under her chin and cried so hard it made the whole bed shake. Olivia had very limited options since she knew that a touch, or even standing too close, could upset the woman even further. Listening to the heart wrenching sobs tore from Amanda's chest, she knew she couldn't just stand there any longer and do nothing about it.

Swiftly, she moved to the ther side, pulled up a chair and sat down as close she could get to the bed and spoke soothingly. "Hey, shhh, it's okay. It's okay, sweetheart. You're safe now."

The words seemed to fall on deaf ears as the crying wasn't easing up. Slowly, she reached for the woman's closed fist and brushed her fingertips against white knuckles. She was relieved when she didn't try to pull away but she did feel her body stiffen under her touch. "Shh, I'm not going to hurt you, honey. Try to relax your hand, you're gonna hurt yourself."

Olivia's fingers were barely touching Amanda's hand. After a while she added more pressure into the touch and rubbed her thumb gently over the whitened knuckles. "Shhh, just relax. Try to slow your breathing down. I'm here, I've got you." she whispered in a tender tone.

As the tightened fist loosened slightly, she carefully pryed her fingers open and her heart sank at what she witnessed. Inside her small and delicate hand laid the golden necklace she had given to her earlier that day, clutched so hard against her palm that it had left indentations on her skin.

"Oh, honey. I'm so so sorry this happened. So so sorry." as the cries continued, she shifted even closer, her need to comfort this woman was almost impossible to ignore. "Dr Boland is on her way and we'll have this fixed in no time. This is not a good place for you, honey." Liv soothed and closed Amanda's hand again, but in a gentle clasp this time, just letting her hold onto the necklace for support. She had a feeling that it somehow kept her grounded and maybe, hopefully, giving her strength.

"Can I sit on the bed next to you?" Olivia asked in a low voice. She needed her request to be confirmed before acting, not wanting to upset Amanda further and cause her to shut down. When she didn't see a nod or some kind of indication that it was okay, the brunette gently ran her fingers through toussled yellow hair, feeling how soft it was. It became clear that they must've washed it after the examination while she was still sedated.

"Hey, can you look at me, please?" Liv gently urged but the blonde kept her hand firmly in place. At least her cries had lessened and were now only occasional barely audible whimpers and sniffles. Awkwardly, Liv reached over the balled up form and placed a hand on her lower back, just brushing against the surface.

She felt the blonde tense and stiffen, her breath hitched and picked up speed again. "Shh, easy. It's just my hand on your back. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you." she added more pressure into the touch as she ran her hand up and down along her, unfortunately, protruding spine and in small circles between her shoulder blades.

Olivia could feel her muscles ease up and relax after several minutes of gentle soothing. "Can you please look at me, sweetheart?" she urged again, hoping that this time she would comply. After a small while Amanda shifted slightly and, ever so slowly, removed her hand from her red and blotchy face. "Hi there." Liv said gently, offering her a soft smile. "You got me a bit worried. Would it be okay if I sat down on the bed? If it makes you uncomfortable I won't."

Amanda's blue, but red rimmed eyes, studied the detectives soft features and perfectly olive skin before she conceded. The bed dipped as Olivia graciously sat down, her hand still resting tenderly on the all too skinny back. "I know you don't feel safe talking, sweetie, and that's okay. I just want to confirm something and all you have to do is nod or shake your head."

The sun was setting outside, causing the room to fall into a dusky light which was appreciated by Amanda, since her eyes were sore and raw from the heavy spell of tears. Olivia resumed rubbing small soothing circles on her back, providing as much comfort and security as she possibly could. There was no easy way to phrase what she was about ask. It was such a delicate and horrific matter for Amanda and she was worried what kind of effect it would have on the younger woman. Neither way, it had to be done.

"Some things came up during our investigation and according to the test results of the vomit, that was found in the dumpster and on your nightgown, it showed us the contents of your stomach. The things that were found were quite alarming, honey." shifting her body slightly and taking a deep breath, Liv gave her a look that was full of concern, empathy and compassion before she continued to carefully phrase her words.

"Did people from the church do this to you, honey?" her words were just a whisper as she spoke them, afraid that, if she said them too loud, it would cause Amanda to go back to that horrible place and relive her memories over and over again.

The pale blue eyes widened in fear, her bottom lip trembled and short and shallow breaths made her chest heave. She whimpered and scooted back as far as she could on the bed until her back hit the railing, causing the cold hard metal to dig into the bones and her spine.

Liv raised her hands up halfway into the air. "Hey, sweetie, it's okay. You're safe now and no one is going to hurt you anymore, I promise you that. I promise you that, sweetheart."

Amanda's eyes flickered around the room, almost as if she was expecting the people who hurt her to show up and continue the abuse and torture she had endured for, god knows, how long. The tears flowed freely down her cheeks and a sob ripped through her throat, making Olivia's heart ache for what this petite, beautiful and innocent woman had endured. All the compassionate detective wanted to do was to bring her into her arms and hold on tight, to shield her from any harm and pain.

"Oh, sweetie." she whispered with feeling and brought her hands closer to Amanda, wanting to hold her but afraid of her possible reaction. "Can I... can I hold your hand?" she asked in a soft velvety voice that didn't sound like her own. "I... I just want to help you, honey. I'm here to help."

She didn't recieve any kind of warning before the small frame was already engulfed and safely wrapped in Olivia's strong arms, the blonde's body shaking from so many different emotions, feelings, thoughts and memories that it was difficult to hold on. The suffocating sobs echoed through the sterile white thin walls, making Liv hold on tighter to the bundle in her embrace, wanting to ease the pain and suffering.

As the blonde cried into her shoulder and neck, Liv put a hand on the back of Amanda's head, holding her securely in place, while her other hand continued with the soothing circles that she had offered just a minute ago. "Shhh, it's alright. You don't have to say anything if you don't feel safe talking about it, sweetie. I understand that it's difficult for you to trust me, or anyone else for that matter, but I promise you now that no one is going to hurt you. Not as long as I'm around."

Amanda fell asleep in her warm cocoon, her breathing now deep and even. Liv gently lowered her back down onto the bed, brought the covers all the way up to her chin, to keep the cool air out, but never lost the physical contact. Their hands were connected, their fingers intertwined and Liv repeatedly brushed the golden curls with her other hand, soothing her even in her sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Misunderstood

Chapter 4

That's how doctor Angela Boland found them an hour later. Liv smoothing back the golden tresses, hands locked tightly together and faint hushing noises escaping the detective's lips.

Angela didn't want to disturb the, clearly intimate, connection but had no choice. Knocking lightly on the door frame with her knuckles she caught Olivia's attention right away. "Sorry." she mumbled and indicated for the brunette to approach. As she slowly let go of Amanda's hand, the sleeping blonde moaned at the loss of contact but quieted down after only a minute or so.

"Hi." Liv sighed tiredly and ran her fingers through her slightly disheveled hair. "I'm so sorry for interrupting your day off, I wouldn't have..."

"Nonsense," she waved it off with her hand. "I told you to ring me if there was a problem or an emergency and I consider this an emergency." she peeked over Olivia's shoulder at the sleeping form before continuing. "I've already arranged for a private room in the ward and room she was in. I can only keep her in the hospital for another two or three days max, since she has no physically life threatening injuries, before I have to discharge her. I would like to keep her here longer until you guys can figure out what to do with her but the members on the board are having none of it. I tried my best but..."

"I understand." Liv interrupted. "Um, we think we know what happened to her and why she won't speak."

Angela frowned and looked intensely at the tall detective in front of her, waiting for her to explain what the blonde had gone through and how she ended up here, all broken and defeated. As Olivia told her about Melinda's findings, the test results, the theory about the church and how Amanda reacted when Liv asked her about it, she could only grasp a few details at a time. Being a doctor ment that she had seen and heard her faire share of injuries, traumas and heartbreak but this, a young innocent woman, who had been held captive and tortured by people belonging to the chuch was just too difficult to take in and even try to understand. It was just all too disturbing and twisted for her brain to comprehend what she was hearing.

"Oh my..." dr Boland leaned against the thin wall for support as she could feel her knees beginning to shake underneath her. A hand was placed on her rapidly beating heart and a wave of sorrow washed over her when she thought about the horrible things they must've put her through.

"It's a tricky case. As a doctor I'd suggest therapy or counseling but since she doesn't speak it's going to be a long road. I'm going to call an old friend of mine who might be able to help. I'll have her set a date and time to see her. She's very good at what she does. Hopefully, she can help Amanda to open up verbally."

Olivia nodded in agreement. "That'll be great, thank you, Angela."

"No problem." she answered and laid her hand on Olivia's lower arm. "Now, why don't you try to wake her up, since she seems to trusts you, and we'll bring her back down to room 405."

Back again in her previous room, Amanda appeared apathetic. Her eyes were clouded and didn't seem to focus on anything except into thin air. Her legs were curled up into her chest, her chin resting on her knees and a shudder would pass through her body from time to time. Olivia made sure she was covered up, to keep the cool air in the room out, but she soon realized that Amanda wasn't shivering from cold. She was involuntary trembling from what she had been through. The memories, the tastes, the smells and what she had seen and experienced.

Even when a nurse loudly pushed the dinner trolley into the room, did Amanda look up or register. Liv sat on a nearby chair, reading through a couple of text messages from her fellow detectives but smiled at the older lady as she made her way to Amanda's bed.

"I see you've got company, Amanda." the nurse beamed.

Olivia frowned amd stood up from her seat. "How... how do you know her name?"

Chuckling heartedly, the older woman placed the trolley within Amanda's reach. "Well, same way as you I presume. The tattoo on her arm, of course. I might be old but my eye sight is like an eagle. Twenty twenty vision."

Immediately, Liv relaxed. "Of course. Sorry, I'm detective Olivia Benson by the way and you are?"

"Rose Maquire. Pleasure to meet you detective." she cheerfully greeted. "I haven't met many detectives in my line of work but I'm always delighted to meet new people."

"Oh please, call me Olivia." she gestured towards the trolley where various plastic containers were placed on a tray. "Is this her dinner?"

"Call me Rose then." she held her hand out for Olivia to shake, smiling as she did so but her face fell slightly as her eyes travelled to where Amanda was sitting. "Maybe you can manage to get something in her. I've tried but I don't think she's eaten anything since she arrived." Rose smiled sadly and placed a warm hand on Olivia's shoulder. "Maybe she'll trust you. I'll be back in awhile."

Concerned, Olivia sat down on the edge of the bed after Rose had left, her hand resting on one of Amanda's feet underneath the blanket and trying desperately to establish some eye contact. "Sweetheart, you have to eat. You're not going to get better if you don't eat, honey. Come on, let's see what we got here." she lifted the lid that covered the plate, letting steam evaporate before she could see anything at all.

The smell of hospital food hit Olivia's nostrils but, despite the slightly unpleasant aroma, she managed to keep a straight face. "We've got carrots, mashed potato, meatballs and gravy. Not too shabby. What do you say? Wanna give it a try? It looks pretty good." the last statement was a lie but she needed to encourage Amanda to eat, not putting her off.

The blonde swallowed thickly as the smell became too much for her and she really had to fight the urge to throw up. The thought of even putting somthing in her mouth scared her to no end. She didn't even know if she would be able to swallow it, not to mention trying to keep it down. She turned her head away in disgust and despair, curling tighter into herself for comfort and warmth.

"It's not five star but I'm sure it's edible. Come on, one bite. For me?" she picked up a carrot with the fork, dipped it into the gravy and held it up for Amanda to eat. "Come on, sweetie." she gently urged.

Amanda finally looked at the steaming carrot, gravy dripping onto Olivia's outstretched hand bellow to spare the bed sheets from any food stains. The look on the detective's face made Amanda feel bad and somehow guilty. The brown eyes held nothing but concern and care for the blonde and the petite woman felt like she owed it to her to, at least, try a few bites.

It felt like such a big effort to open her mouth and wrap her lips around the metal fork. When the carrot layed on her tongue she found herself afraid to chew it, to taste it and to feel it's texture. The overwhelming need to have it removed was too strong and she suddenly convulsed, a hand flew up to cover her mouth and she closed her eyes so tightly she began to see colours dancing in front of her.

Her stomach cramped and churned, causing a clear gush of bile to spill through her fingers and drip down onto her gown. Olivia searched for anything for the blonde to throw up into but there was nothing nearby. Hurriedly, she sprinted into the bathroom to retrieve the trash can, that she knew was there, and quickly shoved it underneath Amanda's chin before another round of heaving started and the clear liquid hit the plastic surface along with the carrot.

The detective held the trash can with one hand and smoothed the blonde hair away from her face to avoid getting any vomit in it. "It's okay, honey. It's okay, you don't have to eat if you don't feel like you can. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have forced you to. Just get it all out, sweetie, and then we'll get you cleaned up, okay? That's it, let it all come out. Shhh."

When Amanda finished the painful round of violent heaving, she slumped back against the pillows, gasped for air as tears streamed down flushed and warm cheeks. To Amanda, everything happened so quickly and, within a minute, Liv was by her side with a clean gown, the trash can was nowhere to be seen. "Can you make it into the bathroom, honey? We'll wash your hands and get you changed."

Amanda stood on shaky legs, feeling her head pound from the recent convultions but managed, with Liv's help, to get into the toilet and she quickly washed her hands to get rid of the smell and stickiness on her fingers. Olivia guided her to sit down on the toilet seat, afraid that the blonde might collapse if she didn't.

"Can you lift your arms for me, honey?" Amanda's head snapped up in fear as she heard those words. The fear of being naked in front of a stranger, cold air hitting her skin, someone touching her, someone seeing her all exposed, her scars, her marks and her burns. She shook her head intensely and scurried backwards.

"Hey hey, shhh," Liv soothed, kneeled on the cold tile floor in front of the weeping woman and lovingly reached a hand out and stroked a damp cheek. "It's okay, sweetheart. I'm not going to hurt you, I promise. You're safe with me, okay? I promise I won't look but, please, let me help you."

There was no way Amanda would let Olivia see her naked, especially not her front part. She shook her head again and wiped at the tears that seemed to be constantly flowing freely causing Liv to sigh sadly, her heart breaking for what this woman must've been put through. "What if you turn and face the wall? I won't be able to see anything then. Would that be okay?"

Amanda thought long and hard about it before slowly nodding her head in agreement and stood up on trembling legs. She hissed in pain as she raised her arms, the cuts and bruises on her ribs and sides protesting against the agonizing movement. "I'm sorry, sweetie. I'll make this as quick and pain free as I can."

Olivia was relieved to find that Amanda was wearing underwear. She didn't want to invade her privacy any more than she had to and she gently pulled the soaked gown over her head, revealing a naked back. The detective suppressed a gasp as she spotted the marks on Amanda's body. Cuts and bruises painted the whole way down from her neck to her lower spine, burn marks and welts could be seen in various places but there was one burn, in particular, that caught Liv's attention. On her lower back, on the left hand side was a burn mark in the shape of a cross. It looked somewhat fresh, red and angry. She had been branded.

Olivia couldn't stop a tear escaping the corner of her eye as she thought about the pain Amanda must've felt during all this but particularly the branding of the crucifix. "Oh, baby! Who did this to you?" she whispered and let her fingers gently caress Amanda's naked side, careful not to touch any of the wounds. "I'm so sorry, honey. So so sorry for what you've gone through."

She could feel the slender beaten form shake under her touch. Liv gently pulled the gown over her head, straightened it out at the back and tied the two small strings into a little bow at the back of her neck. Then, Amanda placed her palms against the cold hard tiled wall, her head bent in shame and humiliation and let out a strangled sob that echoed inside the small room.

Her body shook and her gasps for breath became more desperate by the second. Olivia placed her hands on her shoulders, feeling the protruding bones underneath Amanda's damaged skin and gently turned her around. Carefully, she guided the blonde head into her chest, holding it there, while the other took a hold of Amanda's icy hand, bringing it up, tucked it underneath her chin and kissed the knuckles. "Shhh, sweetheart. It's okay, you can cry all you want. I'm right here, honey, right here." she repeated the soothing words for several minutes until the blonde could finally breathe a bit easier.

"There you go, sweetheart. Nice and slow. Just relax, everything is okay. I've got you, my love. I've got you." Another couple of minutes passed before Olivia could feel the body in her arms relax. Her hold on the young woman had become tighter and it occurred to her that Amanda must be exhausted and leaning against her to support her weight.

"Come on, sweets, let's get you back into bed."

The dinner had been pushed to the side and the tired young blonde had been tucked safely back under the sheets with an extra blanket to cover her chilled body. With some effort, Liv had somehow managed to get a glass of water into Amanda's starved and dehydrated body. It wasn't much but it was better than nothing at all.

The exhausted blonde fought to keep her eyes open. She felt so physically drained and weak that she could sleep for a week but she knew that with sleep came dreams and dreams ment nightmares, horrible ones, and she didn't want to go back there. She didn't want to go back to that place, to see, to smell, to remember the awful, degrading and disgusting things she had endured. Oh god, she didn't want to remember any of it but, no matter how hard, how long and how desperately she tried, the memories would always be there and could never be erased, changed or edited. They were a constant reminder of what had happened to her and to whom she belonged to.

"No luck, I see." Rose walked in with a sympathetic look on her face, removing the trolley with the untouched, now cold, dinner still on it.

"I tried but she actually got sick. Maybe tomorrow." Liv said but decided not to get her hopes up.

Rose sighed sadly, feeling sorry for Amanda as her gaze wandered over the fragile looking woman. She fished around in her pocket and pulled out a small carton of apple juice. "Here, try to get this into her. She needs to keep her sugar levels up. I'll be back again for breakfast." she patted Olivia warmly on her hand befor leaving the two women alone, Amanda on the brink of sleep and Olivia not too far behind.

"You want to try some of this, sweetie? It'll make you feel a bit better." she pulled the straw out, pushed it through the semi perforated area and offered it to the blonde.

Surprisingly, Amanda took it and held it between shaky hands as she sipped carefully on the plastic straw. To Olivia she almost looked like a little girl who had skinned her knee and was given a treat for being so brave for not screaming and crying hysterically. Her flushed face made the dried tear marks more prominent and all Olivia wanted to do was to sooth them all away with gentle word and touches. The pale blue eyes were clouded from the drying tears and the redness around them looked sore and raw.

She was so small. So light and petite. Olivia could see that Amanda was small built by nature but not this small. She was too skinny, too bony and malnourished and it was going to take time until she could build her strength back up and put on some of the much needed weight that she had lost.

The brunette was lost in her thoughts as the slurping at the end of the juice box brought her back to the present and she brought her eyes up to study the woman who had, so suddenly, came in to her life and changed it so dramatically for unknown reasons.

As she removed the empty box from slender fingers, Olivia caught the blue eyes looking intently at her, studying her carefully with a slight frown playing across her tired features.

Olivia felt her heart soar and weep at the tortured sight and didn't really know what to say or do in that very moment. Feeling so conflicted and pained by this beautiful stranger made it impossible not to cry and before she could stop it, a lone tear escaped her burning brown eyes and slid down her smooth tanned cheek.

With a shaky hand and a more profound frown, Amanda reached up and gently wiped it away with her thumb. Her blue eyes locked with the detectives for a few more moments before she turned her head towards the window and stared into the darkness outside.

Olivia almost melted at the touch and, unable to just sit there and do nothing, she reached her own hand out and ran her fingers through blonde tresses, scraping her fingernails against Amanda's scalp, soothingly, until the young woman fell asleep.

"What did they do to you?" she whispered into the silent room.


	5. Chapter 5

Misunderstood

Chapter 5

Something disturbed her sleep. She didn't know what it was but it felt like someone was watching her, staring her down from top to toe, snickering, breathing and grinning from ear to ear. An evil sinister grin that showed yellow stained and crooked teeth between two dry cracked lips. His lips. His teeth. His breath on her face and neck, heavy panting and grunting in her ear causing her whole body to shiver from disgust and horror. It was cold. Too cold. The kind of cold that gets into every nook and cranny, every bone and every muscle in your body. Damn cold. Realization hit, and she became aware that she couldn't move. She wanted so badly to wrap her arms around herself to try and keep warm but something was restricting her movements.

Her hands wouldn't move. Something was holding them tightly in place around her wrists above her head. Chains! She was chained with her arms raised and tied to the ceiling. The shackles around her wrists were too tight and she could no longer feel her fingers. Looking down at herself she gasped and trembled as she realized she was completely naked. The desperate need to cover herself up kicked in again and she pulled and tore at the shackles, trying to break free. No wonder why she was so cold.

She tried to move her legs but, to her horror, found them shackled and chained to the floor as well, her bare feet almost blue from the cold hard and wet cemented ground. She was stuck, trapped and confined. Then, she heard the voice. His voice. That deep and raspy tone spitting words of nonsense into her ears. He was preaching the bible, verse after verse and when he finally was finished, he would start all over again. Chanting, dictating, hollering and sometimes humming. She'll never forget that voice. It was the voice of Satan himself.

Once again, she struggled against the restraints, clutching and grasping at the chains, trying to, somehow miraculously, break them so sh could escape this hell, this dungeon and this prison. Again, the chanting began, more intense and louder than last time.

"We cast you out, every unclean spirit, every satanic power, every onslaught of the infernal adversary, every legion, every diabolical group and sect, in the name and by the power of our Lord Jesus Christ. We command you, begone and fly far from the Church of God, from the souls made by God in His image and redeemed by the precious blood of the divine Lamb."

Her body shook from cold and fear, his breath lingering against her skin and she screamed out as strong hands wrapped themselves around her throat, squeezing the air out of her, squeezing Satan out of her as he repeated the spell again. His face only an inch away from hers and spitting as he spoke causing small droplets of his toxic saliva to land on her beaten and bruised features.

Suddenly, she could move. Her hands seemed to be free and her feet were moving and so were her legs. Hadn't she just been chained and shackled? How did she free herself? She didn't know. All she knew was that her face was still wet from his spit and it didn't seem to ease up. In fact, it appeared to be coming at a rampant speed and the more she wiped at the wetness, the wetter she got. She scrunched her face up, tossed her head in different directions to avoid the drops but it didn't help.

Then, a voice appeared out of nowhere. It wasn't a harsh, demanding and full of hatred voice that she was so use to. No, this voice was the softest of voices, smooth and soothing, low and comforting. She could only hear it from a distance but it soon got closer and stronger before it became totally clear and evident.

"Amanda, sweetie! It's only a dream. Come on, wake up, it's okay."

Amanda quickly brought her hands up, rubbed her palms over her face and felt the wet patches. Tears!? She was crying! They were tears she had felt all along, not spit. She wasn't tied up but instead found herself free from any restraints, laying on a soft warm bed with fresh bed sheets and blankets.

"Sweetie, can you hear me? Come on, open your eyes. You're safe here. It's okay, shh." Liv spoke in a soothing tone, desperate to bring Amanda back from wherever she thought she were. For several minutes she had tried to wake the sleeping blonde but she must've been in such a deep slumber that nothing seemed to work. She had gotten a freight when Amanda had screamed out in her sleep. Since she hadn't heard a single word being spoken from this woman, it was horrifying that such a painfilled and tormented cry would be the first thing she would hear coming from Amanda's lips.

Then, Amanda went perfectly still, her body stiff and ridged, and she inhaled sharply, holding her hands over her throat as if to defend or protect herself from someone or something. Her eyes snapped open, letting a few more tears escape, and felt an instant relief when she spotted Olivia's warm and caring brown eyes, looking down at her, filled with concern and worry.

"Hey, welcome back, sweetie." she smiled shakily and brought her hands up to remove Amanda's tight grip on her own throat. "Easy, come on sweetie, you're okay. Move your hands. No one is here to hurt you, you're safe and it was only a dream. No one can, or will, hurt you here. Trust me, honey. Come on, remove your hands for me." she gently coaxed and relax slightly when the blonde finally let go and and watched her take a few deep breaths.

"That's it, deep slow breaths. It was only a bad dream, honey." she whispered while smoothing blonde bangs away from a clammy forehead. It was just after 2 am and Olivia had accidentally fallen asleep in the chair next to the bed and, seeing Amanda like this, made her glad that she did.

The blonde shot her a confused look and Liv chuckled. "You're probably wondering why I'm still here, ugh? Well, I fell asleep until your screams woke me up. Must've been an awful dream, wanna talk about it? It helps." ske kept her tone low and soothing, hoping that she could somehow break down some of Amanda's walls but she was only greeted with silence and a head shake.

"Okay. That's okay, honey, you don't have to."

As Amanda calmed her raging mind and body, she realized that, at some stage just after her nightmare, she must've grabbed a hold of one of Olivia's hands and she was now clutching onto it as if it was her only lifeline. Ashamed, she pulled away and turned her gaze towards the darkness outside of the window. She was use to the dark but it still scared her. She could never tell when he would arrive because of it. He would suddenly jump out and scream when she least expected it. Anytime, anywhere! Then he would laugh and do it again and again and again until she couldn't take it any longer and broke down, begging him to stop his twisted games.

She leaned quickly that begging wasn't the answer. In fact, things only got worse when she did and didn't see a point in it. Other time, when she didn't make a single noise, he would get easily irritated and a feeling of powerlessness would surge through his entire body. He was in control, he held all the cards and he could make her do anything at any given time. He would beat, torture and rape her until she no longer could hold back the painfull whimpers and cries. Then, he would smile, stroke a hand across her cheek and whisper, "good girl." into her ear.

She fliched at the his voice still trapped in her head and couldn't stop a whimper from escaping her tight throat. She pushed herself into a sitting position, were she felt like she had more control over herself and a good overview of the room, and wrapped her arms around her knees, fighting her tears.

Olivia scooted closer and ran her hand down at the back of Amanda's head, smoothing her hair and calming her nerves. "Is there anything I can do to make you feel better? Anything at all?" she asked lovingly as she continued the comforting motion with her hand. She knew she wouldn't answer but she couldn't help asking. It was in her nature to care and worry about others, to help and reassure them to the best of her ability and make sure that they're okay.

As she suspected, Amanda didn't answer. Her stare was glued to the window like she was in a tranze of some sort, not even blinking as silent tears fell down, creating small wet patches on the covers bellow.

Sighing, Olivia lowered the bed rail and carefully sat back down next to the blonde. She leaned back against the fluffy pillows, draped her arms around the frail form and tenderly pulled her into a warm embrace, supporting Amanda's head with one hand and as she gently brought it into the crook of her neck. "Try to get some more sleep, sweetie. I'll be right here when you wake up." she gently soothed, feeling the small body in her arms slowly relax and go completely heavy in her embrace. Even in Amanda's deep slumber, Olivia didn't stop her calming caresses until she, herself, joined her many minutes later.

True to her words, the older brunette didn't leave. In fact, she was sitting in the same position as before she eventually had succumbed to sleep. Amanda woke up feeling tired but it was a different kind of tired. No more nightmares during the night, no more crying or disturbed sleep. She felt rested even though she felt as if she could close her eyes and drift off again.

The soft snores coming from Olivia told her that the detective was still asleep and didn't have the heart to wake her by moving or pulling away. She felt warm and safe when she was being held by Olivia and she never wanted to leave her safe haven but knew she couldn't stay there forever.

She was practically sprawled out on the tall woman's lap, one of her legs were draped over Olivia's knees, her arm firmly wrapped around her waist and her nose nustled into the warm soft neck, inhaling the faint smell of sandalwood and vanilla. She was afraid to move in case the brunette would wake up and push her away for being too clingy and needy so she just stayed there completely still, listening to the detective's soothing and heavy breathing until she eventually fell back to sleep.

Olivia cracked one eye open and then the other. It was bright inside the room, the sun letting it's rays shine through the window as the the city came to life. It took her a minute to adjust to the brightness before she focused her gaze on the petite blonde, still very much asleep in her cocoon of warmth. She couldn't help but to caress the soft pale skin on the woman's face while peering down at her. It felt so right to be holding her. It was like she was perfectly molded, custom made, to fit inside the arms of the brunette and it made Olivia's heart flutter and swell with a strange feeling she couldn't identify.

Was it just a strong feeling of sympathy and empathy towards her? Nothing more than plain old compassion and care? What was it about this younger woman that seemed so familiar to her? So content by just being near her considering that she had only just entered her life.

Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted as a smiling Rose walked through the door with a breakfast tray in her hands. She beamed at the sight of Amanda sill asleep in Olivia's arms and set the tray down on the nightstand and wheeled it over closer to the bed. "Rough night?" she asked in a soft whisper, studying Olivia's tired features. "You look like you need a whole pot of coffee this morning. No offence."

"None taken." Liv replied while stiffling a yawn. "I suppose I better try and worm myself out of this vice grip. She's quite strong for a small person."

As the brunette shifted, so did the bed, and Amanda immediately woke up and was wide awake within less than half a second, eyes scanning the room before meeting Olivia's and Rose's.

"Good morning, missy." Rose greeted while shooting her her usual perky smile. "I've got breakfast here for you. I hope you'll eat something because you're getting too skinny and, eventually, when you turn sideways I won't be able to see you at all."

Liv chuckled slighly at Rose's sense of humour and tried to discretely stretch her aching limbs. The older nurse rolled the table next to the bed and lifted the lid, steam rising and quickly diminish. "I've got you some toast, tea, oatmeal, egg and..."

Amanda's brain could only grasp one of the words that the nurse had just said. Oatmeal. Oat. No! No, no, no! Her mind was screaming at her and her stomach painfully clenched from the awful memories of the inhumane torture that she had endured. She scooted back on the bed, almost falling down onto the floor on the other side, as she vigorously shook her head, tears falling from fearful eyes and her hands desperately clawing at her belly, whimpering from horror and desperation, as her insides cramped up and her face went completely ashen.

Olivia looked down at the porridge, then to Amanda and back at the porridge again, when realization forcefully kicked in. The oat! Quickly she snatched the lid from the nurse's hand, covered the food and pushed the table away from Amanda so she wouldn't have to look at it or smell it. "She can't have oats or anything to do with oats." she rapidly explained. "I can't tell you why but, please, just take the porridge away. You can leave the other things and I'll try to make her eat something but the oats have to go, I'm sorry."

"Of course." Rose said with worry, grabbed the warm bowl of oatmeal and gave the two women some privacy, hearing Olivia's soothing tone as she left the room.

"Amanda, sweetie, I'm so sorry." blue eyes were wide with fear and agony, her body and mind instantly going into flashback mode and all she could hear, see, smell and feel was him. He was everywhere and there was nowhere she could run and hide where she'd be safe.

Laying on her side, curled up into a tight ball she scrunched her face up as sobs escaped her burning throat and heart wrenching whimpers and cries reached Olivia's ears. Carefully, she approached the bed, kneeled beside it and stroked Amanda's cheek with her fingers, feeling the coolness of her skin. Shock, Liv thought and swiftly pulled one of the blankets, that the blonde had kicked off a little while ago, over her curled up form then continuing the soft caresses on Amanda's face, back and shoulder.

"Shhh, baby, it's okay. You don't have to eat it, you don't even have to look at it. It's gone now, you're safe, honey. You're safe." the detective was angry at herself for letting this happen. She should've known better, should've told the nurses or her doctor about her obvious fear of oat, then maybe this could've been avoided.

Amanda whimpered once again before losing control of her stomach and had no choice but to let her body do whatever it needed to do. There was nothing in her belly to throw up. Clear slimy liquid hit the bed sheets as she painfully clutched her middle, tears running down her now flushed face as she tried so hard not to let another heave take over her body. It was inevitable.

Olivia winched in sympathy, sat down on the edge of the bed and just waited until the worst was over. "It's okay, my love." she quietly soothed, "just let it come if you have to. Don't try to stop it, sweetheart. You'll only make things worse. Just let it come out." she rubbed Amanda's arms, that were tightly clung around her stomach to try and ease the painful cramps, and smoothed her hair back with the other. A couple of minutes passed and Amanda's body had gone completely limp under her touch from exhaustion.

Liv pressed the button for a nurse to come in as she gently slid one arm behind petite shoulders and the other one under her knees. She was surprised at how light she actually felt in her arms but decided not to think about that right now as she needed to get her cleaned up.


	6. Chapter 6

Misunderstood

Chapter 6

The sudden exhaustion hit Amanda hard and she could barely find the strength to stand on her own two feet. It had been a couple of days since she last ate and it was taking it's toll on her body. Even keeping her eyes open seemed like a great task at the moment. As the nurse changed the dirty bed sheets, Olivia found herself in a situation that replicated last night's ordeal.

Amanda's whole body was shaking from exhaustion and her teeth had began the continuous motion of loud shattering. At least her crying had stopped for now and Olivia wanted to spare her from any unpleasantries and embarrassment but things were not as easy as she thought they would be since the blonde couldn't cooperate properly while being so out of it.

The nurse had given her a clean towel, gown, underwear and socks to change into but she couldn't do it herself, she needed Liv's help. She had gotten vomit in her hair and needed to wash it out before it dried and started to smell. A shower would be the most logic option but, without a doubt, not the easiest.

"Okay, we need to get you undressed, sweetheart. Can you raise your arms for me again?" the weak woman complied even though it took her some time to complete the strenuous task of moving around too much.

The shower had a chair in it so the blonde could sit while showering. Feeling bad about Amanda's privacy, she asked the nurse to fetch her another towel so the blonde could cover herself with while the brunette aided her. Liv took her shoes and socks off, made sure the water was just at the right temperature before letting the spray of the shower head wash over Amanda's battered body. As gently as possible, she massaged the shampoo into blonde matted tresses, scratching her fingernails in a calming motion against her scalp while talking soothingly the whole time.

Olivia was surprised at how well the blonde was doing, how calm and collected she seemed and how cooperative she appeared and Liv knew that it had to do with the lack of food and sleep. She wasn't getting any vitamins, minerals, protein or iron. Nothing, and she wondered how long it would be before she completely ran dry and collapsed.

Some of the cuts and burns were still angry looking and Amanda whimpered quietly when the water hit the most painfull spots and Olivia could see the clenched jaw and tightly shut eyes, prying for it all to be over.

The nurse took care of the burns when the brunette had finished towel drying Amanda's hair, brushing it, helped her into fresh clothes and gotten her back into bed. No matter how hard the younger woman pretended to be okay there was no fooling Olivia. She could easily make out the small tremors in her hands, eyes fighting to stay open and her head looked like it weighed a ton. Even though Amanda could easily fall asleep, right then and there, she still needed to get something into her stomach or she would have to mention the word feeding tube and she was sure Amanda wouldn't like that.

Back in bed, all tucked in, Olivia brought the tray closer and once again lifted the lid. "I know you probably don't feel like eating but it's very important that you do. I promise you it will make you feel better and I'm not leaving this room until you at least have one slice of toast with butter and a carton of apple juice. Deal?"

Amanda stared at the dry toast like it was the most alien thing in the whole wide world. For one moment it even looked like she was afraid that the buttered bread would suddenly jump from the plate and attack her. After a few sips of apple juice, her eyes became more focused and the shaking in her hands reduced significantly as the sugar entered her body and did it's job. The toast was more difficult to eat and she struggled with every bite, her throat feeling tight and sore as the bread slowly made it's way down.

When the toast was finally consumed, Amanda pushed the plate away and finished her juice box as a satesfied Liv looked on from her chair. When a coughing fit erupted from the young blonde, Olivia was quick to leave her seat and was instantly by her side, rubbing a hand up and down her arm and sat down on the edge. "Easy, it just went down the wrong way, that's all. You're okay. Shhh."

After calming herself down she shakily took a few deep breaths to try and relax. The warm touch of Olivia's hand kept her grounded and she couldn't help but to turn her gaze towards it, looking at it, analysing it as if it had magical powers to keep all the pain and hurt away. Things were bearable when the brunette was near by and Amanda was confused as to why? How come she didn't flinch from her touches? Or shiver from her voice? Or go completely ridged when she held her close to her chest and stroked her hair and back?

It was strange having someone so close and not be afraid of that person. It had been such a long time since someone showed her kindness of any sort and here, with Olivia, this stranger who showed nothing but, she was afraid in a different way. Afraid of her kind and nurturing nature, afraid of getting too close, too attached, too dependent. Afraid of needing someone but also afraid of being alone.

The brunette smiled gently as she continued to stroke her arm and Amanda was stunned by the beautiful features of the woman. She hadn't really looked that close until now and she was somewhat taken aback by the striking detective. She studied the high cheekbones, the perfect nose, the rosy lips, the well defined jaw and the dark brown concerned and loving eyes. Amanda thought for a second that she was looking at an angel and had to blink several times to confirm that it actually wasn't a heavenly being but Olivia the strong and confident detective.

How could she not have noticed, until now, how stunning Olivia really was? The tall brunette simply oozed warmth and safety and, it was as if there was a light around her, shining and radiating love and care. It was hard for the blonde to understand or perhaps accept what she was feeling since it was all new and fresh.

Olivia watched as blue eyes wandered over her face, carefully scanning every inch with a slight frown. She got a sudden twinge of pain in her chest as she saw tears brimming in the pale blue eyes that were still busy taking in her worried features. One tear slowly slid down her cheek as she bllnked and Liv was quick to wipe it away with the pad of her thumb. As she did so, Amanda couldn't hold her confusing and frustrating emotions and feelings in check any longer and her breathing hitched as she stiffled a sob.

Once that sob came out, so did the rest and Amanda was now a hyperventilating mess. She placed her right hand on her chest to try and calm herself down as she kept wheezing and gasping for air. Liv knew a panic attack when she saw one and scooted closer to the blonde, placing her own hand on top of Amanda's and the other one on the side of her face, her thumb gently caressing the delicate skin under her eye, wiping at the tears as they fell.

"Easy, you're having a panic attack, sweetheart. You're okay, it will pass soon, I promise. We're just going to sit here until it passes, okay? Breath with me, sweetie. In and out slowly, come on, follow my breathing."

Amanda had her eyes fixed on Olivia's the whole time but it became too much as she saw the worry and concern etched on the woman's face and she had to close her eyes as a strangled whimper escaped. "Oh, my love! It's okay, it's okay. Shhh, come here sweetheart, let me hold you and try to follow by breathing, okay? Come here, baby."

Amanda felt strong arms wrap around her shaking frame and immediately accepted the contact and relaxed into the embrace, feeling Liv's chest rise and fall against her own and she tried to copy the same rythm. "That's it, honey, in and out slowly. Don't think about anything else except your breathing and, with each breath, you try to calm yourself down and accept whatever it is you're feeling or experiencing. Now, focus on my breathing and try to to match it with yours. You can do it, sweetheart, you can do it. In and out slowly."

After ten minutes of hysteical crying, Olivia had managed to calm her down even though she was still extremely worried about Amanda's powerful attack. The cries had turned to sniffles but Olivia still hadn't let go of her precious cargo. The blonde was still crying but not half as bad as she had been only minutes ago.

Greatful for that, she started to pull away but was stopped by surprisingly strong slender arms, holding onto her in a vice grip as the hysterical sobs began once again. Liv knew that the blonde couldn't keep this up much longer. Fearing for her physical state, Liv quickly pressed the button and a nurse came in a minute later.

She gave Amanda a strong sedative that would keep her asleep for most part of the day. Olivia laid her down gently, pulled the blankets up over her and decided to stay by h er side until she knew that she was sleeping peacefully. With gentle touches Olivia stroked her face and hair and, not until soft snores could be heard, did she stop and left the hospital, determined to be back before Amanda woke up.

She went back home, had a shower, ate something and decided to take a little nap. The night she had spent in the chair was now catching up to her and her body was protesting. She had to get some sleep before seeing Amanda again. Showered and fed she set the alarm, slipped underneath the blankets of her own soft and comfortable bed and was out like a light.

Almost four hours later, her phone rang. The buzzing noise reached her ears and she scrunched up her face in discomfort before reaching out towards the nightstand, fumbling around to find the device. "Benson." she said, groggy from sleep.

"Liv, it's Melinda. I've got some news about the case. Are you sitting down? Cause you might want to."

Fully awake, the brunette scooted up in bed, resting her back against the headboard. "Um,... yeah, what's up?"

"I ran Amanda's DNA against the John's and I got a hit. One of the perps DNA is a paternal match for Amanda's." there was a long silence and Melinda thought that Liv had hung up on her. "Hello? Liv, you still there?"

Olivia's jaw fell at the news and she couldn't form a word, not to mention a full sentence. "Um... yeah, um... are... are you sure?"

"I ran it twice. There's no doubt about it. DNA doesn't lie, Liv." she stated and waited for an answer.

"Ugh... yeah, okay. Um... thanks Melinda." she hung up, slumped her head back in a resigned manner, resting it on the cream colored wall behind. Her own father.

Quickly, she scrambled out of bed and got dressed. She needed some answers as to what was going on. Before leaving her apartment she decided to pack a bag with some clothes that she didn't really use anymore to give to Amanda. Sweats, t-shirts, underwear and socks. She also stuffed a spare deodorant and some toiletries for her to use. The hospital wasn't really offering the best of stuff when it came to beauty products, especially for women.

The ward was busy, as usual. Olivia didn't think she had ever seen a hospital being a quiet and peaceful place and probably never would. It was a place for chaos and hectic madness. Dr Boland was busy checking charts and giving nurse's orders to right and left. "Olivia, you're here again. You missed me so much that you couldn't stay away for too long, ugh?" she joked.

Chucklin, Liv held up the bag for her to see. "I brought Amanda some stuff she could use. Clothes and toiletries. How's she doing? Is she still sleeping?"

Signing off on a chart, Angela placed her pen back in her breast pocket. "She's still resting but I'm expecting her to wake soon enough." she glanced down at the stuffed back in the detective's hand. "You really care about her, don't you?" she softly enquired with a slight smile on her lips.

Liv was caught off guard and didn't really know where to look, wat to say or what to do. "Um... well, you know, she... um... she doesn't have anyone else so I... I... I just..."

"Relax, detective. I'm just glad that she has you in her corner."

The brunette visibly calmed and switched the weight of the bag into her other hand. "She doesn't have anyone else. I just found out that her father was one of the guys who did this to her. Our ME got a paternal match from one of the Johns."

Angela sighed and leaned against the wall. "When you think you've seen it all." she stated sadly. "Any news of who he is and where he is?"

"Unfortunate no. I'm hoping to get something out of Amanda that could help us with the case but I don't know if she's ready." Liv ran her fingers through her hair, frustrated that they didn't have a lead so far. If there was no match in CODIS then the perp could be anyone walking the streets of Manhattan, raping and torturing women for their own sick pleasure and greed.

Dr Boland sighed. "I don't know if she'll ever be ready. Just thread carefully. She's incredibly vulnerable and scared but I do know that you're the best person for it. Let me know if she or you need anything." she gave Olivia a reassuring pat on the shoulder before starting her rounds.

Liv found herself to be slightly nervous about going in to Amanda's room. She desperately wanted, needed, to know who had done this to her so she could beat the crap out of them and put them behind bars for life, but she also knew that if Amanda wasn't ready to open up then they had a problem. The men were still out there and could be doing this to others.

Amanda was still sleeping when she entered. She quietly pulled the chair up next to the bed and sat down, letting her eyes wander over the small bruised and battered frame. She felt tears stinging in her own eyes but blinked them away and took a deep breath. Fishing around in the bag she pulled out a magazine and a pen that she had bought in the shop on the first floor. Crosswords would pass the time until the blonde decided to wake.


	7. Chapter 7

Misunderstood

Chapter 7

Amanda slowly became aware of dim noises and sounds. Her head felt heavy and her mouth dry. Her eyes fluttered open and was relieved to see Olivia sitting beside her, glasses resting on the tip of her nose, biting the top of her pen, completely focused on the task in hand. She looked well rested, Amanda though and studied the detective's features once again, almost intimidated by her beauty and poise.

She shifted under the sheets and felt a dull familiar ache in the pit of her stomach. She whimpered and curled up into a ball with her arms wrapped around her middle, tightly squeezing her eyes shut.

Olivia looked up fom behind the black frame of her specs and smiled gently. "Hey, you're awake." she instantly saw that something was wrong by the way the blonde was holding herself. "What's wrong, sweetie? You wanna throw up?" she got up from the chair, ready to retrieved the trash can but stopped when Amanda shook her head. "I'll get Dr Boland. I'll be right back, honey. Hold on."

Two minutes later Olivia came back with Angela close behind, ready to assess the situation. "Olivia told me you're experiencing some stomach pains? Can you lie on your back for me and stretch out. I'm just going to press gently on your stomach to see what's going on, okay?"

Amanda searched Olivia's brown worried eyes and then let her gaze wander to Dr Boland's before doing as she was told. "Just let me know where it hurts, okay?" she gently placed her hands on Amanda's, all too slim, stomach and felt her way around but there didn't seem to be anything serious that would cause her discomfort and pain.

Pulling the covers back up, she turned to Olivia then back towards the blonde. "There doesn't seem to be anything to worry about. My best guess is that your stomach is trying to get use to the sudden change of... um, what you've been going through. It will pass in time but I'm afraid its going to take a while. Your stomach is not use to eating. The toast you had earlier this morning is digesting and causing you to experience cramps. We have to introduce food slowly and you should eat little but often. It's just one of those things that's gonna have to run it's course. I can give you something to ease the pain a bit, if you'd like?"

After thinking about it for a minute, Amanda agreed and Angela handed her two tablets and some water in a plastic cup. "These should be taken before a meal so I'm gonna get a nurse to bring you some soup. That should go down easily."

Once the doctor had left, Amanda curled back into a ball on her side and tried to breath normally as she waited for the medicine to do it's job. Olivia came closer and brushed her blonde hair away from her face and saw how uncomfortable Amanda really was. "I'm sorry you're going through this, sweetie." she said, her voice full of empathy and care.

Amanda just looked up at the striking detective, seeing the kindness in her eyes and held her gaze for slightly longer than expected. Liv sat down on the bed and gently removed the tightly wrapped arms, that were positioned around her torso, and placed her own hand on the flat stomach, rubbing small circles over the material of the gown, wanting to ease some of the pain. Amanda didn't deserve anymore pain.

After continuously rubbing soothing circles on Amanda's upset belly, a nurse came in with a cup of vegetable soup and some lightly salted crackers. "Eat what you can." Liv soothed, "Don't force it."

The soup was half gone when she finally pushed the cup away and then looked at the crackers like they were huge and wondered how she was going to be able to eat even just one of them. She managed two and was about to start the third one when Liv placed a hand on her lower arm. She could see tears in Amanda's eyes and how she tried to force the crackers down and it broke her heart to think that, something so easy and apart of everyday life, was so difficult for her to do.

"It's okay, you did great. Don't force it." Liv soothed and took the plate of crackers away, watching a wave of relief wash over the blonde's features when she realised she didn't have to eat anymore. At least the cramps hadn't gotten worse but still she couldn't help the tears from falling and how her bottom lip trembled. She was an emotional wreck.

"Oh, sweetheart!" Olivia wiped at the tears as they fell but more kept coming. "Can you sit up?" she gently enquired while ghosting her fingertips across her cheek and forehead. With Liv's help, she was finally seated, the pillows supporting her back and the covers were brought up to her chin, making sure she was warm enough. "Can I sit with you?" her voice was so gentle that it brough even more tears to Amanda's blue brimming eyes and she stiffled a sob.

Olivia scooted in beside her, lifted one arm and draped it across her shoulders and pulled her close. "Shhh, baby! You're alright, everything is okay. I've got you, sweetie, just let go of whatever it is you're feeling. It's okay to do so. I'll be right here with you."

For a good half hour Amanda cried, her head resting on the detective's strong shoulder and Olivia catched each tear as they fell. When the sobs stopped all she could hear was the occasional hiccup and sniffle, sounding almost like a small child.

Liv slowly moved from her position so she was facing the blonde. "There's something I have to talk to you about. Something that I recently found out." she wiped at Amanda's blotchy face. "We got DNA from three different men from your nightgown. We couldn't find a match for any of them in our system but our Medical Examiner ran your DNA against them all and..." she sighed for what was about to come. "Amanda, one of the men was your father, wasn't he?"

The detective had prepared herself for a breakdown of some sort but all the blonde did was nod her head calmly and looked Liv straight in the eye. It caused shivers to run down Olivia's spine when she saw the dead and defeated look in the blue orbs, empty and distant.

Large warm hands cupped Amanda's face gently. "Sweetie, I need you to talk to me. Please! I need you to tell me where this happened, the name of your father and the other two men. I need you to tell me this so I can stop them and put them in jail for what they've done to you. I promise they will never hurt you again but there's nothing anyone can do if you don't talk to me, honey. Please!" Liv pleaded, her eyes watering up along with Amanda's. "Please." she whispered again, moving her thumbs softy over tear stained cheeks.

Amanda's breathing had turned heavy as she fought an internal battle with herself. She wanted to tell Liv everything but fear was holding her back, thinking that if she opened her mouth she would get punished with a fist, a belt or wooden rosary beads, hitting her so hard it would slice the skin open and bleed for hours. She knew that Olivia wouldn't do that to her but the fear was still there, lingering inside, making a little nest for itself to settle down. She would always carry that fear with her wherever she went.

A flicker of hope ran through Olivia as she saw the blonde opening her mouth. She stopped breathing for a minute, afraid that her breath would somehow interfere with Amanda's voice but the young woman quickly closed it again, pressing her lips so tightly together they almost turned white. "Sweetie, I can give you my word that none of these men will ever hurt you again." Amanda vigorously shook her head, refusing to use her voice.

"Okay, honey. Do you think you can write it down for me?" she suggested and reached for the pen and her notebook that she always kept in the pocket of her jacket to quickly jot down any information that would be relevant to a case.

Small hands shook as she grabbed the pen and paper from the detective's steady ones. The trembling made it nearly impossible to write but she managed, after some time, to scribble down three names before handing it to the anxiously waiting brunette. Olivia scanned the piece of paper;

Father Anthony Rollins - my father

Michael and Lucas Garcia - priests and brothers.

Liv grabbed her phone. "I have to call this in sweetie. I'll be right back." she disappeared out the door and dialed Fin's number.

"Fin, I need you to look up three names for me."

Fin got the short version and was told to ring her back when he had more information on any of them. She took a deep breath to collect herself before entering the room again. "Okay, my partner is working on finding them and, I don't want you to worry because they will find them and they will be prosecuted."

Blue eyes looked at her intensely and with doubt. She wouldn't take Olivia's word for it until she could see, for herself, that they were behind bars and were never getting out again. Only then, would she feel safe.

Liv decided to change the subject to a more nutural one and picked up the bag that had been standing on the floor. "I brought you some of my clothes and toiletries. They might be a bit big on you but I'm sure they'll be more comfortable than what you're wearing now. I also brought a spare ipad with loads of movies on it so you won't be bored and to keep your mind off things. Give yourself a break. You wanna change into something right now?"

Amanda frowned, tilted her head slightly and wondered why this woman was so kind and comforting. She didn't know her at all but yet it felt like she did. There was something so familiar about her which made the whole thing even more confusing.

"It's okay." Liv reassured and placed the bag on the bed. "While you get changed I'll run down to the cafeteria and get us some hot chocolate, how does that sound?"

Once alone in the room, she carefully opened the bag and pulled out the first garment that layed on top. A pair of navy sweats that indeed looked way too big for her but they were soft and seemed warm. Next she pulled out a plain white fitted t shirt, socks and a navy NYPD hoodie that looked old and well worn. Without thinking she brought it up to her nose and inhaled the sweet scent of Olivia's washing powder and the smell that was just unique to her. A soothing and calming smell of vanilla and something else that she couldn't quite figure out.

She grabbed the clothes and headed into the bathroom to change. The t shirt was suppose to be a tight fit but since Amanda was malnourished and lost so much weight it looked about three sizes too big. The sweats were soft and comfortable even though they hung loosely on her bony hips and the hoodie was like a tent meant for two people. Liv was right, she instantly felt more at ease knowing she didn't have to wear the awful looking gown and stockings.

When she was fully dressed she accidentally saw a glimpse of herself in the small mirror above the sink. Shocked at what she saw she just stood there, mouth slightly open, brows furrowed and eyes wide. She hadn't really looked at herself in a long time and what she saw frightened her. Looking back at her was not the Amanda she remembered, not the Amanda she once knew and not the Amanda she had wanted to turn into. In front of her was a stranger that looked like Amanda, but different.

Her eyes were dull and wooden, dark circles framing them, hair dry and slightly clumped together in random places, skin pale and sickly looking and her body was literally skin and bones. She hated what she saw in the reflection and had to turn away before she would let her hand fly through the glass to get the image of herself out of her head.

Just as she walked out, Olivia came through the door, a cupbin each hand and a gentle smile on her face. "Much better. A bit big, as I said, but at least you'll be warm and cozy."

Amanda looked adorable in her old sweats and she had to supress a huge grin from creeping over her face as the blonde petite woman stood before her, swimming in her clothes, a shy expression playing across her features and she swallowed nervously and quickly made her way back to the bed and sat down on the edge, her legs dangling off the side.

Olivia offered her a cup and she shakily accepted and sipped in silence, her eyes intermittently studying the brunette tentatively over the lid of the cup, taking in her beauty and strength.

"Amanda," Liv said softly and joined the blonde on the bed, their legs almost touching. "Is there anyone I can call for you? A family member, a friend, a relative perhaps? Is there anyone that I can contact?"

Sipping her warm beverage, Amanda silently shook her head and turned her gaze down towards the floor, her eyes following a hairline crack on the cheap flooring bellow.

"Okay, if you're sure." she paused and had an idea. "Why don't you let me brush your hair, ugh? I bet it's really tangled up and it will probably make you feel a bit better. Can I?"

Amanda looked up from the floor and into Liv's brown eyes, lingering for a long time, wondering why she was so gentle and kind, why she was so keen on helping her and making sure she was comfortable, safe and protected. Why was this stranger so genuinely empathetic and understanding towards her? What was in it for her?

Eventually she agreed with a nod and let the tall detective gently run her fingers through her blonde locks, untangling the worst knots that way before swapping to the brush. As Liv worked through the knotted tresses, trying not to hurt her, she could tell that Amanda was beginning to relax under her touch. It made her smile and gently scratched her nails against her scalp from time to time, listening closely as the blonde's breathing became heavy.

She made a French plat and tied the end with an elastic, that she got from her pocket, and then positioned the plat over her shoulder, standing in front of her to admire her work. "Feel better?" she asked gently and tilted her head to the side and she smiled when Amanda slowly nodded but flinched when Olivia's phone rang out loud.

"It's okay," she soothed and held her phone up with one hand. "It's just my partner ringing me, okay. I've got to take this, honey. I'm gonna step outside for a minute but I'll be right back." she left the room quickly and swiped her finger across the bright sceeen.

"Fin, please tell me you've got something?"

"Have I ever let you down, girl?" he chuckled, "We got an address for Father Rollins and a couple of churches where he's assigned to. The two brothers are a bit harder to track down. Do you know how many Gracias there is in New York? A shit load! Just give me some more time and I'll serve you their balls on a silver platter."

Liv let out a deep breath she didn't realize she was holding. "Thanks Fin."

"No problem, you want me and Carisi to bring him in?" he asked, eager to help and Liv knew that he must've spent a lot of time by his desk and was dying to get out and do something productive, like busting perps or drive the squad car unnecessarily fast down bendy roads just for the thrill. He could be such a child sometimes.

"No, I want to see his face when we arrest him. I want to make him squirm and sweat in his seat, make him suffer for what he has done. I'll leave the hospital now and I'll see you at the precinct in a few minutes and we'll all go together. I want this guys ass on a spit and in jail where he belongs."


	8. Chapter 8

Misunderstood

Chapter 8

Olivia was fuming inside. Her heart was beating so fast she thought it was going to burst right out of her chest and land on the dashboard on the passanger seat of the car. Fin was driving, way too fast for Carisi's liking who was sitting in the back, clutching onto the seatbelt for dear life. Liv was too angry to be driving and had asked Fin, who immediately accepted while trying to suppress a grin of excitement. Carisi had silently gotten into the back seat, without any arguments, a worried look on his now pale features. He could never get use to Fin's way of driving.

They still had no address for the Garcia brothers but instead of wasting time trying to locate them, they decided to bring in Father Anthony and have a go of him, check his temperature, make him sweat. They would find the brothers eventually.

As the black SUV pulled up in front of a small townhouse, they all scanned the area and saw the top of a church poking through the tree tops a couple of blocks away from one of the churches he had been allocated to. "Let's check the house first." Liv said as they got out, secured their vests and made sure that each of their gun was loaded and ready to fire if necessary.

Fin was the one who knocked on the door, his voice loud and firm. "NYPD, open up!" Liv could tell how much he enjoyed saying that phrase and found herself smiling slightly. When there was no answer Fin didn't hesitate to bust the door in, gun in hand, ready for any kinds of altercations.

They searched the house, room by room but there was no sign of Father Anthony. There was, however, a crucifix in every room, on every wall and even in the ceiling, on each door and above every window. There was a smell of something rotten, dirty dishes piled up on the kitchen counter, the floor was filthy with mud and plain old dirt and on the kitchen table there was a photo. One single photo in the whole house and it was staring right at them.

Liv felt her chest tighten as she saw a very familiar blonde positioned next to an older man that she could only guess was her father. They had the same blonde hair and blue eyes, similar bone structure in their facial features and even their skin tone and hairline was identical. To Amanda's left was a brown haired woman, freckles, glasses but very beautiful. Nothing about her resembled Amanda so she doubted that it was her biological mother. All three of them looked happy. They were smiling, arms around each other and they all seemed content with life around them.

Olivia picked up the picture, gently ran her fingertips over Amanda's face, smiling to herself and wished that she could see that smile in real life. Whatever could've happened? Whatever could've gone so horribly wrong that Amanda had ended up in the hospital with injuries consistent with rape, abuse, malnutrition and torture. Judging by Amanda, the picture couldn't be more than a few years old, maybe three of four at the most.

"Anything?" Carisi called out, wrinkling his nose at the smell.

"Nothing except a smell that matches your morning breath." Fin stated seriously, causing the youngest and newest member of the squad to roll his eyes.

"Let's check the church." Liv said and hurried ouside with her colleagues hot in her heels.

The church stood tall and intimidating, like a giant looking down at you, pointing his finger, laughing. Liv did not believe in God and never spent that much time in church because she simply didn't believe in any of what the bible said or any of what the priests so strongly preached about. She did not mind other people's beliefs and religion as long as no one got hurt or misinterpreted the bible, or any other holy scrips, so it would suit their needs and wants. She always kept religion at a distance.

This big building, this church, also known as the house of God, seemed to get taller as they quickly approached it from the front. They had no idea what to expect when they stepped inside so they kept their guns ready in hand. It was quiet, almost eerie. The air seemed heavy and dense all of a sudden and a shiver ran down Olivia's spine as Fin opened the main door, a steady squeaky noise reached their ears and Carisi grimaced.

As they stepped inside, they became aware of how quiet it actually was. So quiet they could almost hear their breaths, their heartbeat and their thoughts travelling through the giant building. The sound of their footsteps appeared magnified, echoing through the tall, wide and bare manifestation as they made their way down the isle towards the altar.

Fin turned his head towards Carisi, frowned and snorted. "I never thought I'd walk down the isle with you next to me."

"Guys, split up, search the area and we'll meet back here in five. Go!" she kept her voice low but firm and headed towards the sacresty and the vestry but found nothing there. Carisi did a sweep along the isle and the crossing and Fin checked the baptist chapel. They all came out empty handed and disappointed.

"There's always a downstairs in these old churches." Carisi said and searched their surroundings. "There should be a door leading down to the lower level, it's usually located in the vestry."

"I searched the vestry and I didn't see any door. You think it's hidden?" Liv asked, already making her way back to the small room on the right hand side, determined to find something, anything, that could prove that Amanda had been here and held against her will while being sodomized and abused.

All three searched the room thoroughly until Carisi announced that he had found something. Behind a drape, hanging by the far end corner, Carisi found a disturbance in the wall and as he pressed his ear against it and knocked three times, there was a hollow sound that only explained one thing; a hidden door. On a closer inspection, the young detective noticed that the wallpaper behind the drape looked slightly different from the rest of the room. It was of the same colour, just brighter, which indicated that it was relatively new and that it was being used to hide something.

"It's a door or a latch of some kind. Stand back!" Fin stated and, with one powerful kick, the small door flung open and revealed a cemented staircase leading down into the dark unknown. "Somebody got a flashlight?" Fin snorted sarcastically, knowing that neither one of them carried one.

"Use the light on your phone, Sherlock." Carisi snarled at the senior detective, letting the light from his screen to shine straight into Fin's eyes and gave him a smart grin.

Olivia was first to enter the small doorway, not paying attention to her bickering coworkers behind and carefully, step by step with gun in hand, she made her way down the dark narrow stairs, heart beating hard and fast, not knowing what to expect at the bottom. It was dark, cold and damp. As they reached the bottom of the stair they let the light from their phones to shine over the deserted tomb-like area and notices a lightswitch on the wall, close to where Carisi was standing.

The light from the single bulb hanging from the ceiling was faint but strong enough for them to see without the need of their screens. As they took a few steps closer to the middle of the area, a strong smell hit their nostrils full force and Carisi had to place a hand over his nose and mouth. It was a smell of dirt, blood, human feces, burnt flesh and fear but worst of all, Death.

Liv swallowed thickly and slowly took a few tentatively steps forward and frowned slightly as a corridor came into view. "Guys!" she stated and gestured with her hand that she was going down to investigate. "Watch your six." The two male detectives nodded and followed Liv down the narrow cemented path, not knowing what was waiting for them further ahead.

The smell was getting stronger the closer they got to the source and Carisi had a hard time keeping his gagging reflexes under control, even Fin was finding it hard to breath normally as the stench assaulted his senses. Water was dripping from the ceiling somewhere, the drops creating an echo as they dripped down, one by one, and landed on the wet patch it had created. Olivia felt trapped, like she was inside a concrete block, walls closing in and no way out. She quickly shook off the feeling and scanned the walls, ceiling and floor.

The brunette suddenly came to a halt and shined the light onto a door that was secured with a huge padlock and a chain. She yanked at it but found it locked, as expected. "Step back." she instructed as she held her gun out with both hands, aimed and fired. There was a sharp and loud bang as the bullet hit the metal of the lock. It worked, the chain fell and the lock dangled from the door handle a couple of times before it landed on the cold hard floor with a thud.

They swiftly moved in, searching the room with the light from Carisi's and Fin's phones, Olivia ready to fire at any type of theat to protect her colleagues and herself. They had found the source of the smell and even Olivia had to suppress a strong need to gag as the overwhelming aroma surrounded her. That's when she saw it!

A mattress had been placed in the far corner of the room and as they got closer, Liv's heart picked up speed as she spotted a figure laying there, tangled in chains that had been used to tie her down. It was a woman, half naked, beaten, bruised, skin and bones, laying in her own feces. It was impossible to guess the age of the woman since they had no proper lightning but Olivia guessed that she was around mid twenties.

Immediately, she dropped to her knees next to the unconscious form, placed two fingers on her neck and checked for a pulse. Nothing. She was cold and stiff to the touch and Liv knew that there was nothing more she could do for this girl. Looking at the two other detective's, she shook her head sadly and stood up.

Then, a soft and faint whimper caught their attention. At first they all thought they were just imagining it, staring at each other, trying to figure out which one had made the noise but after a few seconds, it reappeared, a bit stronger this time. They turned their attention towards the other far corner, that they still had yet to investigate, and followed the soft whimpers and murmurs.

There, another woman was sprawled out on a dirty spring mattress, completely naked, bloodied and injured. Olivia reached down and checked for a pulse and was relieved to find one, feeling it thump against her fingertips, faint but present. "Call a bus, she's still alive." she shouted and gently turned the naked woman onto her back, brushed the blonde matted hair away from a swollen and bruised face, trying desperately to wake her.

"Hello, can you hear me? My name is Olivia, I'm a police officer. You're safe now, help is on the way, just hold on sweetie. Can you tell me who did this to you? Was it Father Anthony?" the woman whimpered intensely at the name and Olivia took that as a yes. "Where is he now? Do you know where he is?" the detective firmly asked, needing to know the answer so she could make things right by arresting him and make sure he had a long time ahead of him in prison.

Just as Fin disconnected his call with the emergency response, a loud, deep and haunting voice came from behind them. A man's voice, loudly present with a daunting and eerie feel. "Do not question the power of God, thy He is, and always will be, the greatness and goodness of everything. Sinners, is what you are and sinners is what you'll be. You have disrupted the Lord's work and, for that, he shall punish you. I speak for the prophet, as a prophet and will gain His full glory and love and therefore I will be greater than anything. Greater than human kind, greater than any power and greater than God himself."

Father Anthony was dressed in a purple robe, a *** around his neck, rosary beads in one hand and the bible in the other. His face was red and angry, spitting with every word that came out of his mouth, his voice hissed with venom as he preached the way of the Lord and how to mercifully enter His Kingdome.

Carisi had taken a couple of steps back in shock and was almost pressed completely to the wall behind. Fin just stood there with a frown on his face, shining the light from his phone at the robe clad figure and Olivia had risen from her crunched down position and was now standing tall over the semi conscious woman as to protect her from further abuse.

"Father Anthony Rollins, you have the right to remain silent, anything you say can, and will, be used against you in the court of law. You have the right to an attorney, if you can't afford one, one will be appointed to you. Do you understand these rights as I read them to you?"

While Liv preached his Miranda rights, Carisi had snapped out of his trance and easily cuffed the man, who didn't fight back or put put up a struggle. "God, and only God, will punish me. He is the only one who can forgive, the only one to judge and the only one to grant me access to the Kingdom of heaven."

"The only place you're getting access to is prison." Fin snorted as he stepped closer to the priest, yanked at his arm and began to lead him outside.

Ten minues later the whole church was a crime scene. Police, ambulances, paramedics, CSU, the ME, IAB and a large crowd had formed of local people, standing outside the perimeter, looking on with curious faces of what was going on. Father Anthony was being taken into holding and Fin had gone with, trying to squeeze out any info he could from the disturbed man. Where were the Garcia brothers? Did he have more girls locked up somewhere? Why he did what he did?

Olivia and Carisi headed back to the station with pictures of the vics, planning to run them through a facial recognition program to see if anything popped. It did! Both had been reported missing a few months back by their families.

Liv tried to see a connection between the girls and Amanda. They all looked similar, blonde, blue eyes, fair skin and petite and it was clear to everybody that there was a pattern playing out, right in front of them. Carisi checked their social media accounts, facebook and twitter and found out that both women were openly gay and had girlfriends.

Was that it? Was that the connection? Amanda was gay and her father didn't like it so he tied her up, beat her, raped her and tortured her, trying to get rid of the sinful lusts by praying and using his fists? And then, it wasn't enough with just Amanda so he had to resort to this? To kidnap women that were gay and resembled his daughter, to sodomize them, break them and make them feel like they were nothing? To Olivia it was a crystal clear pattern that was so disturbing it made her stomach turn at the thought of it.

Fin walked through the doorway, hands in his pockets and a defeated look played across his features. "That son of a bitch wouldn't tell me anything. What a waste of time. Did you find anything?" he asked and sat down by his desk with a huff.

Liv quickly updated him on all the info they had so far and he was also disgusted by what he heard. "At times like these I wish there were no laws so I could smash this mother fucker's face in, leave him naked, cold and starving in a dungeon somewhere where no one will find him."

Liv nodded and patted his shoulder sadly. "I know, Fin. I know."

Carisi approached the two with a grim looking face, biting his lip in frustration. "The hospital just called. The woman didn't make it."

Fin hung his head, shoved his hands into his pockets and walked out of the bullpen, needing some time to himself. Olivia watched him go, swallowed and nodded. "Okay." sighing, she turned around to face the younger detective. "You're Catholic, right? Why don't you go down to holding, try to get Father Anthony to open up to you. Use the bible, the amendments or whatever you need to. Throw all the 'Godly' stuff in his face and get him to talk. Find out if his holding anyone else and where we can find the Garcia brothers."

Carisi scurried away, on a mission and determined to accomplish it. Liv wanted to head back to Amanda to see how she was doing and tell her that they caught her father but she didn't feel ready. She needed a minute to calm herself, to compartmentalize all her thoughts and emotions before she could face the blonde woman again.


	9. Chapter 9

Misunderstood

Chapter 9

The darkness had fallen over the city by the time Olivia popped her head through the door to Amanda's room, slightly ashamed that she hadn't gathered up enough courage to see her earlier. "Hey, there!" she beamed as she saw the blonde all tucked in underneath the covers, eyes full of sleep, hair still in her french plat, watching a movie on the tablet that Olivia had previously brought with her.

"What are you watching?" knowing an answer was too much to wish for, she walked up and peeked at the screen. "Oh, Jackass! Those are funny guys but a bit foolish and disgusting at times." she chuckled and sat down on the bed by Amanda's hips, collecting herself and a serious expression crept upon her face. "There's something I have to tell you, sweetie." her voice was low and soft, her eyes searching Amanda's blue.

The blonde swallowed thickly, paused the movie and scooted up, resting her back against the pillows but her eyes were fixed on her hands resting in her lap. "Can you look at me, sweetie?" Olivia urged softly.

Amanda eventually locked her gaze with deep brown pools, feeling scared and anxious for what the detective had to say but she tried not to let it show as she didn't want to come across as weak, vulnerable and defenceless all the time around the brunette.

"We found your father. He's down at the station in a holding cell. He will never hurt you again, honey." Liv reached for a small cold hand and held it tightly. "We also found the place where you were being held against your will. We have enough evidence to put him away for a very very long time."

Even though Amanda had promised herself not to cry or break down in front of the older woman, she still found herself fighting the tears that seemed to be coming in a constant flow these past two days. She took a deep shaky breath, as her brain tried to absorb and comprehend the information Olivia had just shared, and fought hard against the tremors that were slowly building inside her body from coming through full force. She knew she was fighting an already lost battle but still felt the need to at least try to calm herself and act as though she was in control and put together.

Olivia wanted to soothe and comfort but decided against it for the time being. She needed to let the blonde know about the other two women that had been found in the, supposedly, same room as Amanda, she just didn't know how to say it, didn't know how to break the news. "Um, also we found another two women downstairs in the cellar in your father's church. Is that where you were being held? Did you know about the other two girls?"

Olivia knew by the shocked look on Amanda's face that she, in fact, had no idea about the other two. The blonde shook her head furiously, eyes wide, tears streaming, body shaking and sobs tearing through her tight throat, gasping for air, all while indicating vigorously with her head that she didn't know.

Olivia removed the ipad that was resting in the blonde's lap, to stop it from falling to the floor and smash the screen into tiny little pieces, placed it on the nightstand and held Amanda's face between her hands, gently brushing at the tears as they fell. "Hey, it's okay, I believe you, sweetie. I believe you. Calm down, you're gonna pass out if you don't stop hyperventilating. Shhh!"

Amanda tried to take a deep breath and slowly let it out but it sounded more like a strangled hiccup than a calming inhalation. She hated herself for being so weak and pathetic, for not being able to control her emotions and hating herself for turning into someone she didn't want to be, an emotional wreck, a mess and a basket case. The more she tried to stop the tears from coming, the steadier the flow and eventually she gave up. She covered her face with her hands, pushing Liv's away, brought her knees up to her chest and sobbed so hard Olivia thought she was going to have a nervous breakdown or completely lose it.

Liv felt her chest tighten at the sight and she, herself, found it difficult to breath. She brought the small crying woman into her arms and rocked her from side to side, hoping it would calm her down. "Oh baby, don't hide yourself from me. It's okay to cry. Please, sweetheart, I'm not going to think any less of you for letting your emotions show. It's perfectly alright to cry considering what you've been through, what you're going through now and from what I just told you. It's okay to feel whatever you're feeling. Just know that you're safe now and I'm not gonna let anybody hurt you, my love. You're safe, you're safe."

Those last words were repeated over and over again, forcing Amanda to believe her as Liv continued to rock the precious bundle in her arms. When the blonde seemed calm enough to breathe, somewhat normally again, Olivia slowly began to pull away, feeling a necessary urge to face the other woman to see if she was okay.

Amanda, however, panicked as she felt the arms around her loosen and feeling herself being pushed away from her safe cocoon inside the detective's embrace. She shrieked at the loss of contact and clung to Olivia's jacket, her fingers clutching onto the material, balling it up inside her fists and held on for dear life.

"Shhh, baby girl. You're okay, I've got you, I've got you sweetie. I won't let go! I promise, I won't let go but you need to calm yourself down, honey. I'm right here with you and I'm not leaving your side. I'll be right here for as long as you want and need me."

After several minutes of soothing words, touches and reassurances, Amanda had finally managed to calm down and was now breathing normally, only the odd hiccup now and then, and her heartbeat had returned to it's usual speed. "You okay, sweetness? Can I look at you? I just want to make sure you're alright."

Reluctantly, and ashamed, Amanda let go of her tight grip she had on Olivia's jacket and slowly leaned back aginst the pillows behind, keeping her head turned downwards to avoid eye contact but was forced to look at the brunette as her hand went underneath her quivering chin, tilting her head up. "You okay?" she whispered, running her hand through blonde bangs and caressing her flushed moist cheeks with her knuckles.

A sharp stabbing pain emerged in her chest as Amanda, once again, burried her face in her hands and began sobbing all over again. Worried for the blonde's physical and mental state, she called for a nurse who injected a light sedative in her arm, telling Olivia that the injection wasn't strong enough to put Amanda to sleep but it would take the edge off of her anxiety, nerves and fears.

She was still crying as the nurse left the room, her head turned in the opposite direction to where Liv was standing and her body was again fighting for control. Closing the door to the room, Liv shrugged off her jacket, removed her shoes and surprised Amanda by climbing into bed next to her. The blonde still didn't look at her, afraid of what would happen if she did. The room felt heavy and dense, full with charged emotions that couldn't singularly be described. There was a whole variety of feelings, floating around in the room, all jumbled up and mixed, too tangled up together to separate them and put a word to every single one.

Olivia didn't know what to do to ease this woman's pain and suffering. She was usually good in situations like these, always knowing what to do or what to say but this time, she had to admit, was even too intense and raw for her to be of any verbal assistance. Nothing she said would erase her memories of what her father had done to her, nothing she did would elevate the despair and agony of going through such an unimaginable trauma of being held captive, tortured and raped. Nothing.

Watching Amanda struggle through the storm that was raging inside of her was torture, even for Olivia. She gently placed a hand on Amanda's bony shoulder, rubbing her thumb against the material of her sweatshirt that she had borrowed and just laid there, silent and watching over the trembling woman.

Then, a few minutes later, Amanda turned towards Liv, took a shaky breath and broke down once again. The brunette, quick in her actions, brought the sobbing blonde close to her chest and held her there, one hand rubbing gently up and down a quivering back while the other brushed away the tears as they fell. Liv felt her shirt getting wet from the salty drops but couldn't care less and scooted closer, pressing their bodies firmly together, so tight not even air could pass through them.

"Amanda, sweetie, you need to calm down. You're gonna make yoursef sick if you don't slow your breathing down. Come one, you can do it, baby. Breathe with me, in and out, slowly. Just follow my breathing."

Amanda burried her face in the crook of Olivia's neck and inhaled her comforting scent as the detective held her close, trying to get Amanda's breathing under control and help her calm her fears and anxiety. This time it worked and, only five minutes later, the blonde was now resting peacefully with her head still hidden between Liv's chin and shoulder, the tears on her face had dried and her eyes red and puffy.

Olivia peered down to see if she was still awake and saw the tired blue eyes opening and closing, fighting against the stinging sensation that usually comes after a good crying session. "Hey!" Liv whispered and ran a cool hand over Amanda's warm and flushed face. "How are you doing? You nice and snug?" she asked and smiled warmly when the blonde nodded aginst her shoulder and couldn't resist to plant a kiss on a warm forehead.

Amanda didn't know why she felt so safe and protected inside the arms of an almost perfect stranger. It had been so long since someone had showed her kind physical affection and proximity and she never wanted this feeling to end, even though it scared her and caused her a lot of confusion and doubt. Being safely tucked inside the arms of this strong detective made her feel wanted and needed again and, even though she would probably be embarrassed later on for being so emotional, she still couldn't stop her body's need for phyical contact and pulled herself impossibly closer to Olivia.

"I'm here." Liv murmured and, once again, kissed her forehead in a motherly fashion. "I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere. You're safe now. You're safe." she whispered soothingly and felt the small frame relax in her arm.

They laid there for half an hour, the silence speaking for itself and Liv didn't see a need for talking anyway. There was nothing to say at that moment and all she could do was to be there for Amanda, to hold and comfort her, to let her know that she was safe and protected and that her father would never lay a finger on her again. It was getting late and almost dinner time when Liv decided to get them both some Chinese take away. Soup was basically the only option for Amanda, considering her sensitive stomach, and the brunette ordered the same for herself.

They ate during complete silence. Only the occasional slurping noises, that inevitably came from eating soup, could be heard in the room. Half way through her bowl, Amanda struggled to swallow and was forcing it down until a loud cough and a strangled gag involontary ripped through Amanda's throat. Liv shot up from her chair, took the plastic bowl away from her and pressed a tissue against her mouth, gently dabbing away the small splatters of soup around her lips.

"Easy, shh, you're okay. If you can't finish it that's okay. Don't force it, honey. You ate half and that's great." she smoothed blonde bangs away from her forehead and caught the blue eyes. "You find it hard to swallow, ugh?" Amanda nodded, blinked against a wave of fresh tears and sniffled.

Standing by the edge of the bed, in front of the seated blonde, Liv brought her head into her chest and rubbed her back in soothing circles, carefully avoiding her burn mark. "That's okay, sweetheart. It'll get better, I promise. Just give it some time and you'll be as good as new." a kiss was planted on the blonde hair and Olivia felt two small arms sneak around her waist, hugging her for comfort.

She could tell Amanda was getting tired. Her eyes were foggy, her breathing was deep and even and her body looked so frail and exhausted that Olivia thought she might pass out. She helped her to lay back down, tucked her in and made sure the covers were covering her frame and then stroked a soft cheek, lingering just for a second longer. "Good night, honey. I'll be back in the morning." she whispered softly.

Just as she turned to leave, a small hand reached out and grabbed her wrist firmly. "Stay."

Olivia froze. Did she hear what she thought she heard? Did Amanda just speak or was it just wishful thinking on her part? Had she in fact spoken? Maybe she just imagined it, but she did hear it as clear as day and it was the sweetest voice she had ever heard, causing a shiver to run down her spine and goosebumps to appear on her arms and back. Her questions were soon answered as Amanda spoke again.

"Please."

Liv felt her eyes well up but managed to control her emotions, swallowed her tears, turned around and looked at the small icy hand wrapped around her wrist in an almost vice grip, then she met tired and pleading blue eyes and her heart swelled with emotion. "Oh, baby!" she croaked, "I'll stay for as long as you want me to."

She began to sit back down in the chair next to the bed but stopped when Amanda tugged at her continuous hold on her wrist. "No, please, here! I... I feel safe with you." she scooted back a bit, shame creeping over her as she scolded herself for showing such weakness and asking for comfort. She hated herself for it but it was like her words had a life of their own and just slipped out before she could stop them.

The detective could see Amanda blush with embarrassment and knew how hard it must've been for her to ask for comfort even though Olivia was glad to offer her her motherly instincts and nurturing. Smiling lovingly, she lifted the covers, slid in next to her and opened her arms wide.

"You are safe with me, honey. I won't let anyone hurt you. I'll keep you safe. I'll keep you safe." she repeated as she stroked the blonde hair and rubbed her back in a gentle motion, calming her fears, worries and doubts. "By the way," she whispered into a nearby ear, "you have a beautiful voice, sweetheart. It's so nice to finally hear it."


	10. Chapter 10

Misunderstood

Chapter 10

A piercing scream filled the room and Olivia was instantly awakened. It was dark but she could still see everything clearly around her. It took only a second to remember where she was and why she was there in the first place and that the scream, the high pitched agonizing and painful scream, came from the still sleeping blonde next to her, obviously trapped in a nighmare.

A nurse ran to the doorway to see what was going on but was stopped by Olivia raising her hand up in the air to indicate that everything was under control. The young nurse nodded reluctantly but left soon after.

Amanda was kicking wildly under the covers, her legs trapped in it's tangled mess, tears mixed with perspiration was smeared over her face as her hands kept flailing in the air, trying to fight off an invisible attacker. Then, another scream filled the dark room, sounding more desperate that the last, more painful and more intense. Whatever the blonde was facing in her dream was far from pleasant and Liv knew she had to get her out of there and back to the present but was afraid to wake the deeply sleeping woman in case of scaring her even further.

She had no choice but to try and alert her, to slowly bring her out of her slumber and into a coherent state. She grabbed a hold of the arms, that kept fighting into thin air, so she wouldn't hurt herself or the detective, propping herself up on one elbow she used some of her body weight to stop Amanda from trashing around, lowered her head and spoke softly into a nearby ear.

"Shhhh, shh, shh! Easy, baby, it's okay, it's only a dream, it's not real. It's me, Olivia! I'm right here with you, keeping you safe. Shhh, come back to me, sweetheart! Come on, you're okay."

Amanda didn't seem to hear or register Olivia's voice or proximity and kept on tossing and turning her head from left to right, her legs fighting to break free from the brunette's firm hold and the tears stayed at a steady flow. "Please, I'll do anything, just don't hurt me anymore. Please, please, I'm begging you! It hurts, it hurts so much! Just stop, please!"

Olivia found herself crying with Amanda, desperate to ease her pain but there was little she could do at the moment. "Amanda, I need you to calm down, honey. Whatever you're seeing, whatever you're experiencing right now is not real. I'm real, I'm here, I'm holding you and protecting you from any harm. No one can hurt you, baby. You're safe, you're safe." she kept repeating the last sentence until the body underneath her own calmed and went completely quiet.

"Olivia?" the blonde whispered, her throat hoarse and tight from the tears and screams. "Make it stop! Please, just make it stop." she sobbed and burried her face in Liv's chest.

Olivia swallowed at the lump in her throat and stroked the beautiful face underneath her chin. "Make what stop, honey? What's going on? What is it that you want me to stop?" she was confused about Amanda's plea for help. Was she even aware of her surroundings? Was she awake? "Tell me." she gently urged.

"The pain. It hurts so much, I can't take it anymore. Please, just make it stop." her cries were soft and pitiful, muffled against the material of Olivia's jumper.

"What hurts, honey? Where's the pain?" Liv asked as she ran her hand up and down Amanda's ribs and kissed the top of her head.

"It burns! It burns so bad, please make it stop."

Olivia then knew where the pain was located as she noticed Amanda's hands were burried between her legs, cupping her sex and her knees were brought up as far as she could, trying to escape the agonizing pain. Olivia's heart was beating so hard she thought it might burst through her chest at any time. She was confused as to why Amanda was in such pain when nothing had recently physically hurt her. Was she still sleeping? Was this some kind of phantom pain that was brought on by the intensity of her nightmare? She didn't know.

She pulled the blonde closer, willing warmth and love into her battered body as she pressed the button for assistance. The same nurse as before stepped inside with a concerned look on her face. "How is she?" she asked and made her way around the bed to Amanda's side.

Liv shook her head in confusion. "I... I don't know. She was having a nightmare and now she's in so much pain. I don't know what's going on." she kept on rubbing the trembling back with her hand and cooed gently in her ear.

The nurse placed a hand on Amanda's shoulder. "Where's the pain, miss Rollins?"

Olivia quickly wiped at her own tears. "She's cupping her sex, I don't know, but I think she's having some kind of phantom pain from her dream. She was raped and tortured."

The nurse didn't know all the details in Amanda's case and was slightly shocked when she found out about the abuse. She took a deep breath and removed the covers fully from the blonde's curled up body and tried to make her turn onto her back. "Miss Rollins, I need you to lie on your back for me, please." even though she kept her voice low and soothing, non threatening, Amanda flinched and scooted closer to Olivia.

"Please, it hurts. Make it go away!" she cried in despair.

Liv kicked the blankets off herself, reached down towards Amanda's hands and tried to pull them away. "Sweetie, we're only trying to help you." the detective soothed and gently pulled at the small hands, clutching tightly onto her privates. That's when she felt it. A warm sticky substance against her fingers. Blood. "Oh my God!" she stuttered and held her hand up for the nurse to see the crimson thick liquid glistening on her fingers.

"I'm paging Dr Boland and taking her to an exam room." she hurried off, leaving the two women alone.

"It's gonna be okay, sweetie. Just try to calm down. The doctor is on the way, I'm right here and I'm not leaving. You're okay, sweetheart, you're okay."

Angela came rushing into the room less than a minute later, already updated on what was going on. "Okay, ladies. I'm gonna have to take you into an exam room so I can have a look at you and see what's going on. Olivia can come too, if you want."

Liv got up and quickly washed the blood off her hand before following the trio down the corridor. By the time they reached the room, Amanda had gone quiet but was still slightly disoriented and dazed. "Olivia?" she croaked, her throat thick from all the crying.

"I'm right here, sweetie, right here." she took one of Amanda's icy hands in hers and gently rubbed it.

The blonde had gone completely still, her eyes closed and her body limp. Olivia stayed by Amanda's upper half while Dr Boland and the nurse proceeded with the humiliating examination. Nothing was said during the procedure except for Dr Boland's muttering of various medical terms to the nurse and Olivia's soft whispers into Amanda's ear.

They managed to get Amanda all cleaned up and in to a pair of scrub pants. Her pain seemed to have vanished as if it had never been there in the first place but she was exhausted and didn't know how long she would be able to keep her eyes open.

"What happened? Why was there so much blood? Is she okay?" Liv questioned, worried about Amanda's physical state.

They were now back in Amanda's room, the nurse had left to tend to other tasks and Olivia was showing a concrned expression, locking her eyes with Dr Boland's, demanding some answers.

Angela sighed and crossed her arms over her chest. "She's okay now but she needs a lot of rest. Her nightmare must've triggered a very painful memory which caused her to actually feel the physical pain she endured during that particular time. It's very similar to phantom limb pain but in Amanda's case it's more of a severe condition of PTSD."

Olivia ran her fngers through her hair and let out a shaky breath. "Thats doesn't explain the blood? What is going on, Angela?"

The doctor glanced over to the bed here Amanda was curled up on her side, facing away from them and appeared to be asleep. "The stress and the horrible shock from the dream caused her to..." the doctor sighed and licked her suddenly dry lips, "... to have a miscarriage. She must've been between three and four months along considering the amount of blood."

Liv felt sick and dizzy. The room began to sway around her, her vision blurred and her heart was wildly beating, causing a repetitive dull drumming inside her ears. She was suddenly aware of Angela's hand on her forearm, keeping her steady on her feet, grounding her and gently pushing her down into the chair. "She was pregnant?" she whispered in disbelief, not quite absorbing the information that Dr Boland had just shared.

"I'm afraid so."

Liv frowned and shook her head. "But... but she wasn't showing and... and nothing indicated that she was carrying. How is this even possible?"

"All women are different, show different signs of pregnancy and different ways in how they're carrying. Amanda is underweight and malnourished which caused the pregnancy to evolve differently. The foetus would've been underdeveloped and smaller in size than what it normally should've been." she paused, "I gave her a mild sedative but she's not in pain anymore. I'll leave you two alone so you can process everything and let me know if there's anything you need. I mean it, Olivia. Anything."

The brunette felt her shoulder being firmly squeezed and Dr Boland made her exit. Shocked and flabbergasted by the terrible news, Olivia sat rooted in the vinyl chair, mouth hanging slightly open, brows tightly knit together and a slumped posture. How could she have been so blind? She had seen Amanda semi naked in the shower and there had been no vital signs, no clues, nothing that would've indicated a pregnancy. She felt like a fool for not seeing it before but, according to the way the blonde reacted only minutes ago, she didn't think she knew anything either.

Amanda's life had changed so dramatically in just a few days. Sure, she had gone through so much for, only God knows how long, but now she was out of that horrible hell hole, she was safe and being cared for by proffesionals and she was still suffering from nigtmares, flashbacks, pain from her injuries and now this?! How much can a person take before completely breaking down to a point where there was no way of crawling back up? How much of this could she take?

The anger Olivia had for Father Anthony was red and pure. Never had she felt such hate and despise for another human being before. There had been many cases during her years as a detective involving children and pedophiles. They were always the hardest ones and she always resented and hated the men who could do such horrible things to a child, but this? This was different, this was more intense and more real. More raw.

Gathering up all her courage, Liv made her way to the other side of the bed, not sure if the blonde was awake or asleep but sat down at the edge and spoke softly. "Amanda, honey, I don't know if you heard what Dr Boland said but I want you to..."

"I heard." Amanda said flatly, her voice sounded calm and collected but Olivia could hear the tiredness and sadness behind it. "I heard it all." she whispered, as her eyes stared into the darkness outside the window. It was almost four in the morning and the sun wouldn't be up for another few hours yet. Liv was tired. So so tired but she could only imagine how tired Amanda must be after the eventful night of nightmares, pain and an examination. Who was she to complain about lack of sleep?

"I'm so sorry, Amanda. So so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through right now, what you're feeling and what you're thinking? It must be heartbreaking, sweetie." the brunette whispered in a thick voice filled with emotions.

"It's not your fault." came the weak reply. "It's mine."

Frowning in concern, Liv rubbed her hand over Amanda's upper arm. "Don't say that, don't ever say that. None of this is your fault, why on earth would you believe that you're the one to blame? Don't go there, Amanda. Don't do that to yourself because it will do you no good. This is not your fault, baby! None of it."

"I should've known." came the weak reply. "I should've noticed changes in my body but I... I... I didn't. How could I've been so stupid?"

During the few days that Olivia had known this woman she hadn't heard her speak so many words and, even though the present circumstances were horrific, Liv couldn't help but to feel relieved and glad that Amanda was beginning to open up. "You're not stupid, honey. Your body was, and still is, recovering from something very traumatic. You're malnourished, dehydrated and you've gone through starvation and torture. You're body was not working properly which means that the signs wouldn't have been there. Your period probably stopped because of it and that is usually the first sign of pregnancy. You couldn't have known, sweetheart. Don't do this to yourself."

Amanda sayed quiet, taking in everything that Liv said, wanting to believe it, needing to believe it, but she still couldn't help feeling guilty, that she should've known something was happening. "I wonder if it was a boy or a girl." she finally whispered into the quietness. "I've always wanted a little girl."

The sound of her small voice tore at Liv's heartstrings and she reached out with her hand and softly ran her fingers through blonde toussled hair. "I'm sure you'll have a little girl one day, Amanda. One day when you're ready and have physically recovered from all of this. I believe that and so should you. It's never too late, sweetie."

There was a heavy pause lingering inside the room before Amanda broke the silence. "There's only one problem."

"And what's that?" Olivia gently inquired, tilting her head to the side as she continued her comforting motion with her fingers through the blonde locks.

"I'm gay."


	11. Chapter 11

Misunderstood

Chapter 11

"Okay, thank you so much, I really appreciate it." Liv hung up the phone after a long discussion about having Amanda moved to a LGBTQ shelter for teens. It was not ideal but it was better than a halfway house or a shelter for women who had escaped abusive relationships or marriages. Amanda was no teen, she was in fact 30 years of age and a grown woman, but this place was the only place Olivia thought was safe for her to stay and, even though the shelter was already full, they promised to sort something out.

"They gonna take her in?" Fin asked as he handed Olivia a cup of coffee and a pastry.

Giving her collegue a weak smile, she accepted her, not so healthy breakfast. "Yeah, I don't feel right about this. It feels like I'm dumping her in the first available shelter and hope that she'll get over her ordeal, move on and forget about all of it."

"Liv, don't do that to yourself. You've spent the last hour and a half on the phone, trying to find the best place for her. Not many people would do that to a total stranger. You're not dumping her off and you're not telling her to forget. You're giving her a chance. You can't take every victim under your wing and personally care and support them! you'll go insane."

Liv sat back in her chair and sipped her coffee, feeling the hot liquid run down her throat. "This is different." she said softly.

"How is it different?"

Sighing in frustration, she rubbed her palms over her face amd groaned. "I don't know. It just is. I... I feel... I feel responsible for her somehow. I can't explain it but... there's something about her that makes me want to know more about her, how she ended up tied down in a cellar, tortured, starved and raped and why? It just makes me so sad thinking about everything she has been through."

"Look," Fin sat down on her desk with a solemn expression. "You've done all you can for her. We got the bad guy and she's safe. She has help now. She sees a therapist, she has group counselling and you got her in to a very good shelter. Nothing more is expected of you, Liv."

The brunette, looked down at her steaming cup, feeling the vapor sweep over her face. " _I_ expected more of _me_." she got up from her chair, pastry forgotten and not even the coffee felt appealing anymore. Her heart ached for the blonde and she couldn't really understand why this case was, and felt, so different from previous ones.

At the hospital Amanda was ready to go. She was nervous and feeling sick to her somach but she kept her head down and told herself that she'll be fine even though she wasn't. Olivia arrived, keeping her promise of taking her there herself to make sure she would be well looked after and that she had everything she needed.

"Hi, you ready?" she tried to smile but it was not a sincere one. Amanda was dressed in the clothes that Liv had brought her earlier and she looked like a lost little girl, rather than a fully grown woman, in the garments.

Amanda just smiled slightly and nodded. No, she wasn't ready. Who could ever be ready for something like this? She was scared, nervous and her body was in a constant fight or flight mode. She wanted to run, so badly, but she knew she had nowhere else to go. Glancing over at the driving brunette, she couldn't help but to feel gratitude for everything she had done for her during the past few days. Even though they were strangers to each other, Amanda felt some kind of friendship or a bond between the two and it was the only thing that kept her going, the only thing that kept her sane and grounded.

The drive was quiet, except for the radio playing the latest hits, music that none of the women cared much for. The traffic was heavy, as always, in New York City but Olivia knew shortcuts and smaller roads that weren't as busy as the main ones and twenty minutes later they reached their destination.

The brunette followed Amanda to her room, her hand placed on the small of her back for support as the heavy set woman of the house showed them around, telling Amanda where everything was and set down the house rules. The blonde felt like she was a child, being told how to behave and how to follow the rules and regulations and instantly hated the place. It made her feel small and invisible but she had no other choice but to grin and bare it.

When the two women were left alone Liv handed her her card and took a few steps closer to Amanda, feeling the need to be near her. "Take this, my cell phone number is on the back of it. I want you to call me if there's any problem or if you just want to talk, okay? I mean it, Amanda! If you ever want, or feel the need to, just pick up the phone and call me no matter what time. I always answer my phone. Always."

Amanda took the card with a shaky hand and looked intensely at it, holding onto it like it was the most precious thing. "Thank you." she whispered while still analyzing the card in her hands.

Olivia bent her knees slightly so she was in eye level with the blonde. "You alright? Do you want me to stay for awhile?"

Yes! Came the loud echoing voice inside Amanda's head but she stopped herself before she could actually verbalize it. "No, I... I'll be fine but thank you." she shifted nervously from one foot to the other, trying not to make eye contact with the beautiful brunette in font of her.

"Okay, I'll be doing a follow up report in a couple of days to see how you're settling in so I'll see you soon, okay?" Liv flashed her an encouraging smile and placed her hand on Amanda's lower arm before she made her exit.

Amanda was left on her own, doing a full 360 of the room and sat herself down on the small single basic bed. This would be her room, her home for the unforeseen future.

"John, it's nice to have you back. How was your vacation?" Liv embraced the oldest member of the team as the scrawny man entered the bullpen.

"Awe, missed me that much? I feel honored and privileged. I should go away more often." he smiled wildly and returned the hug his colleague was offering.

"Dream on, it's my turn next." Fin muttered but was indeed glad to see that his fellow detective was back.

Olivia filled him in on the cases that had come in during his absence and the very delicate case of Amanda Rollins. As Liv told him about specific details of her abuse and where she was being held, she couldn't stop her eyes from filling up with tears. She wasn't even aware that she was weeping until a tear finally broke free and slowly trickled down her cheek. She wiped it away quickly, hoping that Munch hadn't noticed it. Who was she kidding?

"She means a lot to you?" John said, making it sound more like a statement than a question.

Chuckling nervously, Liv brushed at her tears in hope that no one else had taken any notice of it. "I don't know why I'm feeling so strongly about this case? I mean, it was horrific. If you had seen the place she was kept, her injuries and how deluded and disturbed her father is! It's the worst case of abuse I've seen in a very very long time."

"Is it just the case itself that you're upset about or is it your feelings towards her?" Munch asked gently, trying to hide a smile threatening to show.

"Both." Liv mumbled. "I'm upset that I'm feeling this way for someone I barely know. Besides, it feels unethical to even have these thoughts crossing my mind. I shouldn't be feeling this way."

The tall and lanky detective patted her affectionately on the soulder. "You can't decide what you should or shouldn't feel. Why is it unethical? She's not gonna be a victim in a case forever. As soon as we track down the Garcia brother's there won't be a case anymore and therefore the unethical part will be history." he grinned, happy with his own logic explanation.

Liv smiled back but didn't say anything. She thought about what John had said but brushed it off, pushing it far back in her mind and went on with her day, busting perps, managing interrogations and doing paperwork. Munch was back which meant that some of the pressure was off and things would calm down a bit.

It was not until two days later when Olivia felt how tired she was. Her constantly pushing her thoughts of Amanda away, had exhausted her to the bone. Every time the little blonde crept into her mind she had to do something mentally or physically challenging to keep her mind on other things and it was catching up to her. Being at work was easier than moping around her two bedroom apartment. At least, at the precinct, she was always occupied with various tasks and therefore it was easier to keep her mind focused and away from a certain blonde. At home, there was no distractions, except the television but that didn't always work and she often found herself restless, pacing back and forth, cleaning things she had already cleaned a thousand times already.

Groaning, she sat down on the couch with a dust cloth in her hand, her posture slumped and defeated. "Who am I kidding?" she mumbled and threw herself back on the sofa, feeling her eyes getting heavy as she slowly drifted of to sleep.

The loud ringing of her phone startled her awake, duster still in hand, eyes foggy with sleep and her mind slightly disoriented. Glancing at the clock on the wall she realized that she had slept for over two hours and it was now after midnight. The number on the screen was not familiar to her but, due to her line of work, she always answered.

"Benson." Her voice was groggy with sleep and she squinted her eyes towards the bright light coming from the ceiling above her. There was nobody on the other end, just various noises that were impossible to identify. "Hello? Who's there?" still nothing came from the other line and she sighed audibly. "Listen, I'm a detective with the NYPD so if this is a prank call I suggest that you hang up before I trace your call and haul your ass down to..."

"H... hello?" a faint voice interrupted the brunette and she instantly knew who that voice belonged to.

She sat up straight, suddenly wide awake and on full alert. "Amanda? Is that you? Are you okay? What's going on?"

There was a loud clattering noise in the background which caused Liv to frown with worry. "They... they're... they're fighting." she stuttered into her receiver, clutching onto it tightly.

"Who? Who's fighting?" there was another loud bang and Liv grew more anxious by the second as she heard all the racket from Amanda's side. "Amanda, talk to me! What is happening?" Another bang and distant screams shot through the receiver and Liv stood up, grabbing her jacket and keys.

"I... I don't know, I... they're so loud. I think... I think one of them has a gun but I'm not sure." she cried into the phone. "Im so scared, I don't know what to do."

Olivia had already left her apartment and was heading towards her car. The air was cold, too cold, and the vapor from her breath mingled in the night as she picked up her pace. "I want you to lock you door, if it's not already, stay in your room and don't open the door for anyone except me, okay? I'm on my way and I'll call for backup. Try to stay calm, sweetie. We'll be there in a few minutes." she started the engine and pulled out, speeding down the road.

Amanda disconnected the call, curled up on the bed in a sitting position, pulling her knees up to her chest and burried her face in them, rocking back ad forth, hoping that Liv would get to her in time. She cried silently as her body shook from fear and shock. She was cold, scared and tired. She hadn't slept properly since she stepped her foot inside the shelter and the dark circles under her eyes were enough evidence. She looked worse off now then when she first had arrived two days ago.

The shouting and screaming didn't ease up but it didn't seem to get worse either and she slightly began to calm when she suddenly heard a gun shot so loud that her ears were ringing and she could almost smell the gun powder through the door. She cried out, pressed her back against the wall, as far from the door she could possibly get and felt her body go completely rigid with terror. Then screams from outside her room reached her ears and she knew that someone had gotten shot. She didn't move a muscle, just like Liv had said and just hoped that she was close by.

A couple of minutes later she heard people running down the corridor outside her room, feet clattering against the hard flooring and a loud voice rang out. "NYPD, drop your weapon and put your hands on your head. Do it, NOW!"

She could hear the gun drop and she let out a sigh of relief but she was still too scared to remove her head from where it was burried. There was a knock on the door but she was petrified to open it and see who it was, even though she knew it must be Olivia. Her body just wouldn't move from it's spot on the bed, like she was frozen.

"Amanda? Amanda, honey, it's me Olivia. Can you please open the door?"

She couldn't move, couldn't breath, couldn't think. She tried but her body just wouldn't cooperate.

"Amanda, I'm coming in, okay? Step away from the door, honey." with a forceful kick the door flung open, slamming against the wall behind and Olivia had to catch it before it closed again. Stepping inside the small darkish room, her heart stopped momentarily at the sight before her.


	12. Chapter 12

Misunderstood

Chapter 12

All Olivia could feel was how cold Amanda was and how hard the small blonde in her arms was shaking. When she had burst through the door and seen the scared woman all huddled up and in shock, she had slowly approached her, gently talking to her so she wouldn't inflict anymore damage. When she had gotten close enough to touch Amanda, she was relieved when the petite blonde finally looked up, tears streaming down her face, white as a sheet and eyes full of fear and hurt.

The detective slowly reached her hand out but was surprised, and slightly stunned, when Amanda threw herself into her embrace, holding on for dear life, clutching so tightly at the brunette's coat, pulling herself closer to the strong woman, practically ending up in her lap as she began to sob.

Outside the room was chaos. People were still screaming and crying, yelling at each other and throwing things around the place, shouting profanities. It had been a domestic dispute between a female couple in the shelter and one of them, apparently, had had enough, pulled a gun that nobody knew she had, threatened her girlfriend with it and fired.

The girl was now lying dead in a steadily expanding pool of her own blood while Fin and Carisi had cuffed her partner who appeared to be in shock from what she had just done and John was standing in the doorway to Amanda's room, looking at the two women on the bed and saw with his own eyes how much Liv cared for the blonde in her arms.

The brunette had a steady grip around the shivering form and held her as she cried. "Shhh, you're safe, sweetheart, you're safe. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I shouldn't have left you here in the first place, honey. I'm so so sorry." Amanda just whimpered and tightened her hold around Olivia's neck and wrapped her legs around the tall woman's waist, not wanting to let go.

Liv spotted a blanket within reach and, with one hand supporting Amanda's head on her shoulder, she managed to wrap the blanket around her body with the other, rubbing her hands up and down her back to warm her up quicker. "There you go, sweetie. I'll have you warmed up in no time. It's okay now." she soothed and her brown eyes locked with John's and he offered her a faint smile and nodding his head.

Amanda was still shaking ten minutes later and Liv was getting worried that she might have to go to a hospital but the blonde refused, insisting that she was fine and in no need of medical care. Things quieted down and the detectives were ready to leave and Liv helped Amanda to get up on her feet but her trembling legs made it very difficult for her to move. "Okay sweetie, just take your time and lean on me. The car is just out the front."

When Amanda was seated with the blanket tightly wrapped around her, Liv approached her coworkers. "Thanks guys. I'll handle all the paperwork on this tomorrow since I'm the one who called you out here in the middle of the night."

"Damn right you are!" Fin stated with a grin, causing Carisi to chuckle and John to roll his eyes and shake his head.

Munch patted Olivia's shoulder before they all went separate ways. "Take care of her, Liv."

Back home at the apartment, Amanda was still shivering underneath the blanket she was still wearing. It had been a cold car ride, even though the heat had been turned on full blast, but it was now getting to her, crawling in underneath her skin and forced it's way down into her bones causing her limbs to ache, teeth to shatter and her whole body to tense up. Liv grabbed one of her own blankets, removed the one Amanda was currently wearing and replaced it. The blanket from the shelter was thin and worn, barely providing any heat at all. This blanket, however, was thicker, bigger and made out of wool and, to Amanda's comfort, smelled like Olivia.

Shivering still, Amanda curled into herself for more warmth, letting the heat inside the apartment to slowly enter her body and gradually warm her up. Liv sat next to her on the couch, studying the woman from the corner of her eye, taking in her appearance and posture. It saddened her that Amanda had to go through that so shortly into her recovery. She even seemed smaller, thinner, now than two days ago and her eyes were red and puffy from crying and, what she guessed, lack of sleep. Cursing at herself for taking Amanda to that shelter in the first place, she moved closer to the blonde, placing a hand on her back, feeling how tight and tense her muscles were.

"I'm so sorry, sweetie. If I had known I..."

"Bu... but you di... didn't. It's okay." she stuttered between clenched teeth, her breathing short and hitched. "Wh... what's going to ha... happen to m... me? Where do I g... go now?"

"You're staying right here. I'm not putting you in a shelter again, honey. Not after tonight so don't worry okay! You're staying right here." Liv immediately responded, determined to keep her promise. "Now, I know I already asked you this but I'm going to ask you again! Are you hurt anywhere? Are you okay? Do you need a hospital?"

Amanda shook her head. "N... no, I'm ok... okay. Pro... promise."

"You're not okay, sweetheart. In fact, you're far from it but at least you don't have any physical injuries so that's good. Do you need anything? Are you hungry? Thirsty? Anything?"

Shaking her head, she clutched at the front of the blanket, pulling it impossibly closer. "Just c... cold and ti... tired."

Seeing the small woman suffer was unbearable and Olivia finally closed the small gap between them and opened her arms wide. "Come here, baby. Let me help you get warm." she snuck her arms around the cold frame, rubbed her hands over the thick blanket and kissed the top of her head. "You're safe now, sweetheart. You're safe." she whispered over and over, forcing Amanda to believe it.

Eventually her violent tremors stopped but, even though she wasn't as cold as she had been only minutes ago, she still couldn't control the occasional shiver now and then. When she finally relaxed and took a deep breath, everything that had happened came back to her, playing on repeat in front of her eyes and she began to sob silently, trying not to let the pitiful whimpers out but there was no use. They came anyway, rolling down her cheeks and dripping onto Liv's collarbone, leaving a wet patch in it's wake.

They had been silent for a while. Nothing was said except for the occasional sushing noises Liv made whenever Amanda shivered or tensed up. She held her firmly against her body, hoping that her own body heat was helping the blonde to get warm faster. When she suddenly felt a tear hit her skin, she gaced down at the beautiful face, resting on her shoulder and saw the drops streaming down her face. "Shhh" she soothed, placed her arm underneath Amanda's knees and pulled her into her lap, holding her like small child. "I've got you, honey. You're okay, I'm right here and I'm not leaving. I've got you."

"I... I thought I was going to d... die!" she blurted out between hiccups and sniffles and she hid her face in the crook of Olivia's neck.

"Oh, baby! I'm so so sorry. You're safe now, safe with me and I won't let anybody hurt you. I promise." she pulled her as close to her own body as she possibly could, rocking her slightly from side to side as the emotional storm raged her body and mind. "You need to get some sleep, honey. Come on, I'll show you the guest room. You have your own bathroom and everything that you might need in there. We'll sort out clothes and other things tomorrow. You should feel better after a night's rest and a shower and some breakfast."

Olivia showed her where everything was and helped her into bed and underneath the covers, placing the woolly blanket over her. "My room is just next door. If you need anything during the night, don't hesitate to wake me up, okay?" seeing Amanda nod, she smiled and headed for the door. "Good night."

"Thank you." Amanda mumbled before she fell asleep, her eyes lids instantly drooping as soon as her head hit the pillow.

A sense of peace swept over Olivia as she stood there, in the silence, watching the woman sleep. She looked peaceful in that moment but Olivia knew to never judge a book by it's cover. The awful pictures and memories in Amanda's head would never go away. They were to be a constant reminder of what had happened to her, a constant replay of the horrible events that she had endured and she would never forget. Ever. Sighing sadly, Liv left the door slightly open before retreating into her own for the remainder of the night.

At four am, sharp, a high pitched scream tore through the walls of Olivia's apartment and she bolted out of bed, her heart beating wildly in her chest. She ran out into the hallway, turned on the light and then opened Amanda's, gun in her hand, since it had become a habit after all the years she had been in the force. Upon seeing that there was no physical threat inside the room, she ran over to the bed where Amanda was curled into a foetal position, eyes tightly shut with a steady flow of tears streaming down, a now, flushed face. Liv put the gun away and slowly approached the woman.

"Hey, hey, sweetheart! It's okay, it was only a bad dream, honey." by keeping her voice low and soothing she hoped she could calm Amanda enough to talk about what had happened. "You're safe, baby. You're here with me, in my apartment, in my guestroom and there's no one else here except us. Just you and me. You're okay."

"He was here! He was here!" the blonde cried without opening her eyes. "I... I saw him, I..."

"Shhh, my love. It was just a bad dream, there's no one here to hurt you. I won't let them."

"No, no, no, no...!" Amanda repeated while shaking her head vigorously. "He was here!"

Olivia sat down on the bed but kept a few inches between them so Amanda wouldn't feel trapped or threatened. "Honey, can you look at me? I want you to open your eyes and look at me, please. There's no one else here, I promise you. Just open your eyes, sweetie. It's okay."

Sweat bloomed on her forehead, causing the blonde tresses to stick together in clumps, framing her face. Eventually her eyes fluttered open and they frantically searched the room, expecting to see her father but, just like Liv said, he wasn't there. Olivia was there. Warm, caring and loving Olivia was sitting next to her, dressed in pajama pants, a long sleeved top, hair pulled back into a messy bun and her face was makeup free and still held nothing but beauty.

"It... it was so real. I... I thought that... that I saw..."

"Shhh, it was a dream. You're safe now and he can never hurt you again, sweetie. He's locked up and will never get out." she promised with a stern voice as she watched Amanda's tears roll down her cheeks every time she blinked, wetting the pillow beneath. Then she noticed one of Amanda's hands, balled up into a tight fist, her knuckles turning white. The detective tenderly reached for it, rubbed her thumb across it a few times before gently bending her fingers open to see what was inside. It was her necklace. 'Fearlessness'. Smiling, she closed the fingers around the chain but left her hand to rest on top of Amanda's, waiting for the blonde to adjust to her touch.

"Do you want to tell me about the dream?" Liv softly inquired but the crying woman shook her head. "Okay, do you think you can go back go sleep? You want me to stay for awhile?"

Amanda suddenly felt too scared to be left on her own but swallowed her pride and said that she was fine and would go straight back to sleep. When the brunette was gone, Amanda still couldn't shake the eerey feeling she had developed due to the dream and she tossed and turned, trying to push the images in her head away. In the end she got up, made her way into the bathroom and splashed some cold water onto her face, rubbing her hands vigorously over her eyes and cheeks.

The cold water felt good against her heated skin and she glanced at herself in the mirror above the sink. She looked like death itself, bar from the flushed cheeks and rosy lips. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes again, calming her still raving heart. When she opened them again she jumped at the reflection she saw in the mirror. Her father was standing behind her with a sinister smile on his face, rosary beads in one hand and the bible in the other.

Quickly, she turned around but he was gone. It was only a fabrication of her imagination, he wasn't real, he wasn't materialistic or in a physical shape or form, just an image from the back of her mind, warping itself into somthing that wasn't really there.

She went back to bed, sat down with her back against the wall so she had a full view of the room. It was dark and quiet, she felt scared and alone, the klock on the bedside locker made a ticking noise that eventually seemed to get louder as the time went. Reaching out she removed the batteries and the noise suddenly stopped and it went silent once again. So silent you could hear a needle drop.

She wanted Olivia, needed Olivia to tell her that everything would be okay and that she wasn't alone and that she had nothing to fear but she was afraid to get up, make her way over to the brunette's bedside and ask for comfort and reassurance, even though she needed it. Her body began to tremble once again as she recalled the nightmare and she placed a hand over her mouth to stiffle a sob that suddenly escaped. She couldn't do it. She needed Olivia, needed her warmth, her reassuring touch, her soothing words, her strong presence.

Swallowing her pride she made her way out the door on trembling legs, hesitantly walked down the short corridor towards Olivia's room and was relieved to see that the door was slight open.

The room was dark. Only the light from the streetlamps outside gave it a soft glow and Amanda could make out Olivia's slumbering form on the bed, her soft snores and the rise and fall of her chest. She needed to get closer, to see her properly, to make sure she was there, to smell her and to touch her.

Shifting closer to the bed she became uncertain of her next move and stopped, only a few inches away. Now what? She thought and scolded herself for not thinking this through. She couldn't just stand there for the remainder of the night, looking at her sleeping for her own benefits. She felt so stupid for not knowing what to do but she couldn't find it in her to turn around and leave.

Slowly she lowered herself down onto her knees, resting her side against the bed and curled up on the floor, still watching the peaceful sight of a sleeping Olivia Benson. She was so grateful and blessed to have this woman, this stranger, by her side but she was afraid and weary of the unknown. She didn't know for how long she would have Olivia in her life. She couldn't stay here forever, living in her guestroom, imposing like some needy teenager who had abandonment issues and emotional attachment problems. What would happen to her? Where would she go? Where would she live? All this was only temporary, she knew that, but her mind wouldn't stop going through the same thoughts over and over again until her brain overheated and she had no choice but to disconnect. Although, it wouldn't last for long until the thoughts were back again, tiring her to the bone.

Her head began to pound fom all the unanswered questions in the back of her mind and she closed her eyes, rested her head against the mattress and, even though she was cold and uncomfortable, she drifted off to a restless slumber.


	13. Chapter 13

Misunderstood

Chapter 13

Olivia became aware of a presence in the room but as her eyes fluttered open and searched the room from where she was lying, she still couldn't see anyone or anything there. It was still dark outside and the sound of a garbage truck down the street she knew it was around six am. She still had another couple of hours in bed, before she had no choice but to get up and face the day, but for now she was enjoying the wamth and softness of the bedsheets. Sighing in contentment, she turned over on her side and that's when she felt it!

Something restricting her movements, something hard and solid kept her legs from moving the way she wanted them to. She frowned when she heard a faint groan coming from nearby and she was instantly on alert and sat up straight, wide awake. That's when she saw a blonde head resting on the side of the bed, hair toussled and slighly matted, her body curled into a ball to keep herself warm.

"Amanda!" Olivia gasped and threw the covers back causing the blonde to jump and fearfully tried to crawl away from whatever was happening, confused about where she was and how she ended up here in the first place.

"Hey," Liv soothed as she held her hands up and slowly got down to her knees in front of the now shivering woman. "It's just me, you're okay." she studied the blonde for a moment and tilted her head in concern. "What were you doing on the floor, sweetie? Did you sleep on the ground?"

Amanda was getting her heart rate back to normal before she could answer and she realized now how cold she actually was. "I... I... no, I... I mean yes but... I...I'm sorry, I..."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. Come on, you must be freezing." she held her hand out and Amanda stared at it intensely before reaching out her small trembling one and felt the warmth of the brunette's skin penetrate her own. "Jesus, you're like an icicle." she gasped and pulled her quickly onto her feet. "Honey, you're absolutely freezing. What were you thinking? Come here!"

She tugged at the hand, pulling Amanda closer to the bed but stopped as soon as she felt the blonde hesitate and saw how her facial expression changed from confused and puzzled to weary and reluctant, maybe even scared. "It's okay, I just want you to get warm, please."

Amanda gaced towards the bed, wanting nothing more than to curl up beneath the covers, wrapped in Olivia's safe and loving arms, feeling her warmth and secure presence surrounding her but the images from the nightmare she had suffered, only a couple of hours ago, made it difficult for her to relax.

"Look honey, I only want you to feel warm, safe and cared for and I promise you that I'm going to do everything in my power to make you feel those things but, please sweetheart, you need to get warmed up. Your hand is like ice so I presume that the rest of your body is too and you'll be warmer in here with me. Please!"

Amanda finally nodded shakily and let Olivia help her to lie down, covered her up all the way to her chin before climbing in next to her, gasping again as she accidentally brushed her hand up against Amanda's side, where her pajama top had slightly risen up. "Oh my god, you're freezing. How long were you sitting on the floor? Why didn't you get into bed or why didn't you wake me? What happened, sweetie? Did you have another nightmare?"

Liv tucked the duvet tightly around them. Even though they weren't physically touching, Liv could still feel the coldness of the blonde's skin radiating under the warm blankets. She didn't want to overwhelm Amanda by being too close so she kept her distance until she was certain that it would be okay to touch or to hold.

Amanda shivered as the warmth slowly increased her body temperature, a good sign, Liv thought.

"I... I'm sorry... I... I shouldn't have come in..."

"Shhh, I'm glad you came in here if that made you feel better. What I'm not happy about, is that you slept on the floor when there's a perfectly good bed in here to sleep in. What happened, sweetie?" Liv gently urged, fighting her need to reach out and pull the woman into her arms and to sooth all her fears away.

Amanda swallowed thickly and blinked against threatening tears. "I... I couldn't sleep and I... I... I saw... him, standing behind me in the mirror and I... I... I turned and he was gone but I saw him, he was there but he wasn't, I... I don't now what's happening. It won't stop, It won't stop, It won't stop!" she cried and slammed the heel of her hands into her temples over and over, trying to ge rid of the images and the memories. "It won't stop, it'll never stop!" she screamed into the dark and quiet room.

"Hey, stop that. Amanda, please, you're hurting yourself, honey. Come on, stop it. Shhh." Olivia gently grasped her hands and lowered them, rubbing some warmth into the icy skin. "Easy, sweetheart. Listen to me! Can you do that? Can you look at me and listen, darling. Please."

When Amanda had her eyes locked with hers, she tenderly brushed at the tears as they fell and ran her long fingers through unruly hair. "I'm going to tell you somthing personal about myself." she adjusted the blankets before continuing. "About two years ago we caught a case that turned out to be more than anyone could've ever expected. He's name was William Lewis and he was arrested for... inappropriate public behaviour. We had nohing on him and couldn't hold him in custody for very long until we had to release him. It turned out that he had a sinister criminal background under another name that we didn't know about. Later that day, when I arrived home, he was inside my apartment waiting for me."

Liv closed her eyes briefly, images playing before her eyes and she had to force herself to snap out of it. "He held me at gunpoint for almost three days, took me to an abandoned house in the middle of nowhere, didn't feed me, didn't let me drink anything except vodka, that he forced down my throat, and I was tied down to a bed just waiting for him to... to... to attack me and finish the job. He never raped me because I knew that putting up a fight was exactly what he wanted, so I didn't. I just laid there and let him do whatever he wanted to me so he eventually got bored and stopped. He beat me, he sodomized me, he drugged me and he tried many times to rape me."

Amanda was listening carefully, her breathing had calmed down and the tears had temporarily stopped but she never broke eye contact with the detective as she told her the most horrific event of her life. "I somehow managed to get free when he wasn't looking, I caught him of guard and I beat him with a meal rod that had brokn off from the bed. He's now in prison for life, in isolation and with no chance of parole. My whole squad was there for me, helping me get through it. I also saw my therapist about three times a week and I still see him now and then whenever I feel overwhelmed or sad or just in need to vent. He has helped me through a lot and now I want to do the same for you. I know I'm not a therapist or a specialist in PTSD but I do know a lot about it and I can see you're stuggling, sweetheart. I just want to help you. I'm no stranger to nightmares, flashbacks or panic attacks. I've had my fare share but I want you to know that I'm here for you, things will get better with time, your flashbacks and panic attacks will get less frequent and you will get past this. I promise you that, honey."

For a long time, Amanda studied the detective's face that was only a few inches away and she was stunned at what she had just heard. That even a strong and stoic detective, like Olivia, could fall into the hands of a deranged psychopath and rapists. Without thinking, she grasped onto Liv's hand and looked at her through teary eyes. "Do you still have nightmares?" she silently questioned, her voice low and shaky.

Olivia nodded. "Sometimes, but not as much as I use to. If I've had a stressful week or a tough case I sometimes have them. It helps to talk about it, even though it's the last thing you want to do. You just have to keep pushing through the dark and difficult parts to get to a stage where you feel more at peace with yourself and accept what happened to you was not your fault nd that you can be happy." Even Liv had tears in her eyes as she finised her last sentence.

"Does it ever go away?" the blonde whispered through a raw and raspy throat, her breathing hitched slightly as she waited for an answer.

Olivia gave her a sad smile, propped herself up on one elbow so she could get a better look at Amanda's face and lovingly stroked her forehead and cheeks, wishing she could answer yes to her question. "No, sweetheart, it doesn't." she responded with so many emotions hiding in her voice that she was surprised she was able to answer at all. "I wish it did, but it does get easier. Believe that, trust in that because I know that it will."

Amanda's face crumbled and a deep chesty roar escaped her tight throat, her breathing completely out of control as her body gave up and surrendered to the storm that had slowly been building. She shook as she struggled to get air into her starved lungs, her eyes went wide with fear and panic of not being able to breath and her hands were clutching at anything they could find for support.

Liv managed to catch the flailing hands and slid her arm underneath Amanda's shoulders and pulled her up into a sitting position, hoping she would be able to breathe easier that way. She pulled the twitching body as close as she could without smothering the poor woman and she let one of her hands to come and rest on Amanda's heaving chest. "Oh baby! Shhh, I know, I know, it will pass soon. Just breathe, honey. You're okay."

Amanda felt like she was slowly choking. She needed air and fast. Her legs were now tangled in the blankets due to her violent kicks and twists and her whole being just screamed for air to enter her lungs. "C... can't... breathe!"

Olivia pulled them both back to rest against the headboard, her hand still on Amanda's chest while the other stroked her face and hair. "Yes, you can, sweetie." she whispered in a nearby ear as she began to rock her precious bundle from side to side. "You just have to let go and let your body do whatever it needs to do. It's okay, you can breathe, you're in control. Just let go."

The small blonde was still fighting for air as her body continued to jerk and tremble from all kind of emotions that were running rampant in her head, filling up her brain until it was flooded and she just couldn't take it anymore. Her head spun from the lack of oxygen, her fingers began to tingle, black spots swayed in front of her, clouding her vision and her heart thumped hard in her ears. "C... can't...!"

Olivia then gently pushed her forward, sneaked her hand up her back, underneath her jumper and placed her palm flat on the middle of her back, feeling her soft skin against her own but also the tight muscles bellow the surface, twitching and turning. "Come on, sweetie. Breathe, you can breathe!" she removed her hand from the heaving chest and brough her head down to lay near her heart. "Come on, honey! Lisen to my heart beat and my breathing and try to copy it. I'm right here, right here."

Amanda could feel the warm hand on her back and was relieved for the skin on skin contact. She was too out of it to notice Liv's other hand sneak up underneath her pajama top from the front and placed her other palm down on the blonde's bare chest, letting her thumb rub soothingly over her flushed skin. Liv could feel the force of the heart beats thumping against her hand so hard it almost felt like she was physically holding Amanda's pumping muscle in her hand.

"Shhh, sweet girl! I've got you, just let go. There's nothing to be afraid of." Liv soothed quietly and felt the quaking form in her embrace shudder, almost violently, as Amanda finally managed to take a deep breath before a raw cry tore through the room, bouncing from wall to wall, echoing. Then, sharp and desperate pants and gasps could be heard from the younger woman and Olivia knew then that she had broken the barrier and she was now falling down from an incredible height, waiting to hit the bottom. Liv wouldn't let that happen though. She would catch her before anything like that happened, pick up the pieces and put them back together again.

Amanda slowly came back to reality, her breathing much better than just a little while ago, her heart rate significantly decreased and was almost back to normal and her vision had cleared from the dark spots that had previously blocked her sight. The only thing that kept her grounded was Olivia's presence, her touches, her soft words of comfort and her intoxicating smell of her shampoo and detergent.

The brunette pulled away slightly so she could get a good view of Amanda's face and her heart ached from the pain she saw in the blue teary orbs. "You okay, sweetheart?" she smoothed the blonde hair away from her flushed face and frowned in sympathy when she felt the heat radiating from Amanda's pores. "You're warm even though you're freezing, honey. I'm gonna get you some water, okay. I'll be right back."

Amanda snuggled up under the duvet, trying to keep her eyes open but it seemed easier said than done. She was too afraid to go to sleep with the images of her father and the Garcia brothers still playing tricks on her mind. They would never leave her alone.

Olivia came back in with a big glass of crystal clear water and a hot water bottle to help with her shivers. "Here, drink this, sweetie. I don't want you to get dehydrated, not on my watch." she winked and smiled, rubbing her hand up and down Amanda's upper arm, her heart fluttered as the blonde offered a faint smile back. "I though you might need the extra heat." Liv said and placed the hot bottle underneath the covers, on Amanda's stomach, letting her fingertips lightly brush against the soft skin, lingering for just a few seconds longer than needed.

"Think you can go back to sleep?" she asked while she scooted in next to the small blonde. Amanda's face sank and she swallowed hard as she began to stand. Liv gently placed a hand on her wrist and stopped her movements. "Hey, you don't have to leave. Stay right here, you'll be warmer and I'd like to keep an eye on you in case you need anything. It's okay." she soothed.

Hesitantly, Amanda got back into her warm cocoon, facing the ceiling, clutching at the hot water bottle that was resting on her belly. "I need to get up for work in a couple of hours but you can sleep for as long as you like. You need to rest, okay? I can't imagine how exhaused you must be. Just close your eyes, relax and sleep. I'll be right here."

Liv layed on her side, facing Amanda, watching her struggle to keep her eyes open even though her eyelids were drooping non-stop. "Shh, rest sweetie. You're safe." she was happy when Amanda slowly shifted closer, glad that she felt comfortable enough to ask for comfort, or maybe she was just too scared and did it out of fear? She didn't know why but she saw her chance to take the blonde into her arms again and held her close to her chest, running a hand through her hair, up and down her back and leaving intermittent kisses on her temple and forehead.

Amanda was still more or less a stranger to her but at the moment she didn't care. All she wanted was for Amanda to feel safe, warm and cared for and, if the detective could offer just that, then she was happy to do it. "Sleep." she whispered one final time and felt the body in her arms go completely limp.


	14. Chapter 14

Misunderstood

Chapter 14

The next time Olivia woke was by the sound of her alarm. Groaning faintly she reached out, fumbled with her hand to find her phone on the nightstand and pressed the snooze button. She loved and hated the snooze button. A few more minutes in bed was always a good thing but a few minutes usually turned into a twenty or a thirty minute snooze, which made it even more difficult to just get up and get on with it.

She could hear the soft snores coming from the woman next to her and it felt soothing and comforting, knowing that someone else was there, close by and just offering her her presence. Shifting slightly in the bed, to get a good look at Amanda, Liv placed a gentle hand on her forehead, worried that she might have developed a fever from early this morning since her face had been so warm and flushed, but to her relief the pale skin felt cool to the touch.

Sitting up, she turned her alarm off before it could go off again and make unnecessary noises and wake Amanda up from her much needed sleep. However, a few seconds later, her phone rang and Fin's name came up on her screen. Quickly, she slid her index finger across the screen and answered with a whisper. "Fin, what's up? It's still quite early, are you that eager for me to get into work?" she snickered.

"Liv, have you looked outside? I don't think you'll be going anywhere for at least a couple of days." Fin bluntly stated and sfiffled a yawn that, he was pretty sure, Olivia could hear anyway.

"What do you mean?" the brunette frowned, made her way to the window and pulled the curtain to the side. "Oh!" Looking out, all she saw was white, white everywhere, the streets, cars, lampposts, roofs and pretty much everything else. It was at least fifteen inches of snow covering the ground, making it almost impossible for anyone to drive or even walk on the footpath.

"Yeah, Oh is right! Listen, Munch was the only one smart enough to listen to the weather forecast last night and saw the expected snowfall. He stayed in the cribs so I guess he's stranded at work, poor guy." he laughed at his colleague's foolish decision. "I'm gonna try to get to the precinct but since you live furthest away I doubt that you'll be able to even go to the store anytime soon. Munch will handle the paperwork from last night's incident so don't worry about it. How's Amanda doing?"

Liv glanced back towards the bed and smiled when she saw how beautifully peaceful the blonde appeared to be in her sleep. "She's sleeping right now but she's... she's... okay, all things considered."

"Alright, I hope this snow will keep rapists indoors cause it's gonna be hell to try and get outside today." Fin muttered.

"Yeah, me too." Liv sighed, her eyes still resting on the sleeping form of Amanda. "Keep me posted if something comes up."

"Will do."

It was cold in the room, due to the rapidly falling snow, and Liv covered the blonde with an extra blanket before she headed to the kitchen to turn on the heating and made herself a cup of coffee. There was nothing workwise she could do. Being cooped up in her apartment for the unforeseeable future was not a good feeling but she realised quickly that there was nothing she could do about it. The newspaper hadn't arrived yet and she didn't think it would until the snow lessened or disappeared. She turned on her ipad and flicked through the top headlines of what was going on in the outside world.

She sipped her steaming brew carefully, feeling it slowly warm her body from the inside out. After reading through the top stories she turned on the tv and was immediately greeted with an updated weather report. 'The snow is falling heavily over New York City and it's not expected to ease up anytime soon. The icy clouds are continuing to come in from the east and cause us a prolonged snowfall that is expected to last until tomorrow evening. Stay indoors, snuggle up underneath your warmest blankets with a cup of hot chocolate because this winter wonderland is here to stay.'

"Great." Olivia muttered and sighed in defeat. Looking at the time she decided to make some breakfast for the two of them, maybe some scambled eggs on toast or just plain cereal? No, Amanda needed more nutrients than just plain old cerial and Liv quickly decided on the first option and got right to it before waking the slumbering blonde.

Sitting down on the edge she studied the soft delicate features of Amanda, taking in her beauty and her grace, her pale complexion and her rosy lips. She was simply breathtakingly stunning and seeing her laying in her own bed, in her own apartment felt somewhat very familiar and right and for a second it was like Amanda had always been there with her. She quickly shook her head to clear it from such foolish thoughts and softly ran her knuckles down Amanda's cheek.

"Sweetie? Amanda, honey! Breakfast is ready. Come on, open your eyes for me."

Blue eyes fluttered open and looked straight into Liv's and it took awhile before she remembered where she was and what had happened last night and how she had gotten here in the first place.

"Hi there. Did you sleep okay?" she asked and smiled softly and ran her fingers through Amanda's toussled hair. "Wow, you've got quite the hairstyle going on. I think I have to send you to a different hairdresser or you should ask for your money back. It's cute but I wouldn't recommend going out in public." Olivia winked and laughed softly as she saw a blush creeping up on the sleepy features beneath her. "Come on, breakfast is waiting."

Sleepily, Amanda sat up, fixed her hair the best she could and stiffled a yawn. "Why... I mean, I thought you said you were going to work." she was confused as to why Olivia was still here.

"I thought so too but it looks like mother nature had other plans. Come on, I'll show you." she held her hand out for Amanda to take and led her to the window. "We're officially snowed in, my love. They say it's gonna last for a couple of days so I guess we're stuck in here, sweetie."

Amanda was mesmerized by the thick layer of crystal clear white snow. Fresh snow. Snow that hadn't had a chance to get dirty from car exhaust or trampled on by dirty boots or peed on by dogs. A smile crept upon her lips as she took a step closer to get a better view of the milky white world outside, glistening in the still gloomy light from the streetlamps.

"You're beautiful when you smile." Liv said softly, beaming down at the shorter woman next to her. "You're beautiful when you don't smile too." she chuckled and wrapped an arm around Amanda's shoulder and pulled her close. "Come on, the food will get cold."

Amanda was amazed by Liv's natural way of caring and tending to her needs. The brunette was very attentive, very in tune and in synch with what was going on around her. She picked up on the smallest of things, the tiniest facial expressions, body language and the way people spoke and came across. Being a detective for so many years had sharpened her senses to the full, learning how to read people, know when they're lying or telling the truth, if they're hiding anything from her or if they're simply fabricating a story.

Amanda was genuine. Her story, her feelings, her fears, her worries and her pain were real. Everything about Amanda was real and Liv only wanted to help. The meal was shared in a comfortable silence. Liv had even placed the blonde's medication for her stomach on the table so she wouldn't be in too much pain as the food digested. Everything Olivia did she did out of care and the best intention towards others.

As the silence prolonged, Liv noticed the distant and defeated look on Amanda's face, she pulled her chair out, made her way around the table and kneeled down on the floor next to the seated woman. "Talk to me, honey." she urged gently and took a cold hand in hers. "What's going on in your head right now?"

Amanda looked away, afraid that her floodgates would suddenly open, again, and burst into tears. She was so sick of it, sick of feeling vulnerable, weak, tired and emotional. She was sick of feeling tired and tired of feeling sick. It all felt like a vicious endless circle that would never end and that this was her life now. Miserable. "Nothing." she responded in a shaky voice, looking at everything else but Olivia. A lone tear ran down her cheek and she was relieved that Liv couldn't see it from where she was seated.

"I don't believe you, sweetie. Please, I'm here to help you. I'm here because I want to be and I want to help you."

"Why?" the blonde asked in a whisper, struggling to keep her voice firm so the detective wouldn't notice the quiver.

The kneeling brunette cupped her face softly and turned her head so that she had no choice but to look her in the eye. "I am here because I want to be and because I need to be. I am here because I want to help you, I'm here because I care about you, I care what happens to you and I care what happened to you. What you've gone through is an unimaginable event and I can't even begin to say how sorry I am that you had to go through it all alone for god knows how long. I'm here because you need someone right now, I'm here to make sure you're taken care of, I'm here to keep you safe and I'm here for you to lean on for support whenever you need it. I don't know your family history or if there's someone out there that misses you or wonders where you are. I don't know if you have anybody else, Amanda and I'm not just going to get up and leave until I know for sure that you're okay. I'm right where I want and need to be."

The detective had tears brimming in her own eyes by the time she finished talking and the expression an Amanda's face had changed into one of confusion and doubt but also, Liv hoped, a realization that she wasn't alone anymore, that she didn't have to fight this on her own and that Liv was actually there to help. "I'm gonna repeat myself every day until you believe it, Amanda."

"But... I... I... I'm gay. Doesn't that bother you?" she asked in shock, tears still in her eyes and she just couldn't believe why Olivia would want to be near her. She had been taught that being gay was wrong and a sin, the kind of sin that would take you straight down to hell and no hope of redemption until the demon had been cast out of your body.

Olivia closed her eyes briefly, trying to think about what to say to this beautiful and kind woman before her. She then took Amanda's hands between her own and gave them a reassuring squeeze and intertwined their fingers. "Does this look like it bothers me?"

A thick silence crept upon them as Amanda's gace travelled down to look at their joined hands and how the detective was softly brushing her thumb over her bony knuckles. "I... I guess... not." she mumbled distantly and turned her head to the side, fixing her gace on a spot on the wall to her right, trying to escape the whole situation by pretending to be somewhere else and not have to deal with the awkwardness of it all.

"It's okay to be gay, Amanda. It's not a sin or a bad thing. Love is love and you can't help who you fall in love with, it just happens. I'm not a religious person, I don't particularly believe in God or Jesus or the bible but, if it's all true, if there is a God, then I don't think he would punish you or send you to hell for loving someone with the same sex. I mean, God and Jesus was all about love, compassion, forgivness and courage. I don't think that being gay would matter as long as you treat the other person with respect and acceptance."

"I... I know, I just... my father... he... he... taught me that being... gay, or homosexual, was wrong and... and ugly and... sick. He... he didn't like that his own daughter was... that way. In his eyes I should've been cured, have the demon inside of me cast out and have my body and mind cleansed from any impurities." Amanda said sadly but there was also a hint of venom in her voice as she spoke, feeling the hatred of her father's words spread through her whole being, causing her to shudder.

Liv rubbed a hand up and down Amanda's arm, thinking she was feeling the cold from the still heavy falling snow outside. "Is that why your father did all those terrible things to you? Because you're gay?" Olivia asked softly.

The blonde didn't trust her voice at that point and bobbed her head up and down before the tears came rolling down her face and her breathing hitched, fighting against the heaviness and tightness in her chest.

"Oh sweetheart, come on, let's sit down on the sofa where we'll be more comfortable." she guided Amanda around the kitchen table and onto the couch where Liv quickly draped a blanket over her shoulders before sitting down next to her as close as she could and brought her in close to her chest. "There you go, baby. You're okay, you're okay." her heart went out to the woman in her arms and she couldn't understand how someone, especially her own father, could treat her in such an awful and horrid way.

She held her in silence, rocking them both slightly from side to side as Amanda's sniffles lessened and Liv ran her fingers through her hair, brushing the bangs away from her teary eyes. "Do you think you can tell me what happened to you, sweetheart? How it all started? I promise you you're safe here and I'm not gonna let anybody hurt you, honey. It's safe to talk about anything you'd like."

Olivia's voice was so soft and comforting, a low husky whisper that held nothing but concern, empathy and care and Amanda knew she was safe here, safe with Olivia, safe in her apartment but she still didn't know if she could let the words pass her throat and say them out loud. "I... I don't know, I... I'm not sure if I can, I... it's... I don't know." she took a shaky breath and bit her lower lip hard to keep it from trembling.

Olivia cupped her cheek and brushed her thumb over the pink flesh to stop her teeth from piercing the surface. "Hey, stop that. You're gonna hurt yourself, honey." she gently cooed. "Take all the time you need and you can stop anytime you want to. Just say the word and we'll stop, okay? Do you think you can tell me?"

Amanda unconsciously snuggled closer into the detective's warmth, inhaled her soothing scent and let her body relax fully against the strong and solid brunette's. She never thought she would tell anybody her story. It was way too painful, horrid and gory to even think about but Olivia seemed to make it all bearable. Just her calming and nurturing presence made everything a tiny bit easier and it didn't take long before Amanda finally decided to open up and tell Liv, the only person she trusted, her full story.

"I had a perfect childhood..."


	15. Chapter 15

Misunderstood

Chapter 15

"I had a perfect childhood. I loved school, I had loads of friends and I had a lot of activities and volunteer work with the church, the community and the neighborhood. I was happy." she couldn't help but to smile at the memories that flashed before her eyes of her in her favourite light pink dress, playing doll hospital in the front yard with her friends, or picking flowers for her father so he could place them in a vase on the altar like he usually did or simply just have afternoon tea in the garden with all her stuffed animals.

"My mother, Eileen, died from a rare blood disease when I was ten. I was devastated and so sad. I knew that dead meant that the person would never come back and you would never see them again. Being only ten I suppose it was hard for me to understand why it all happened in the first place until I realised that not even my dad, who was way older, didn't have the answer to that question either. As a child you think that your parents know everything because they're older and they usually have answers to your questions."

Pausing briefly, she licked suddenly dry lips and swallowed at the lump in her throat. "There was a distance between me and my dad after my mother passed away. He spent a lot of time in church, he was very quiet and sad at home and he kind of withdrew into himself. When I was fifteen, Sarah came into out lives. We all met at a convention and she and my dad instantly hit it off. I liked her too. She was wonderful and very similar to what and who my mother represented. I guess I related to her because of that and she became like a mother to me."

Again, she had to take a deep breath and close her eyes for just a second to recharge her batteries. Liv held her close and kissed the top of her head. "It's okay, you're doing great, honey. Take your time, I'm not going anywhere... literally." she chuckled, lightening the mood a bit and relished at the sound of Amanda's giggle.

"When I turned twenty Sarah was diagnosed with stage two pancreatic cancer. Her treatment went well and we thought that she was cancer free but two years later it came back, more aggressive and harder to treat. She was in constant pain and she couldn't do much by herself so I ended up looking after her. I didn't mind, in fact, I liked it. We became really close, we would watch movies together, stuff our faces with popcorn and candy, read each other ghost stories and tell secrets to one another." quickly she brushed away a stray tear that slowly trickled down her cheek. "She knew I was gay before I told her. She was happy for me and said that it didn't matter to her if I liked girls, boys or chickens, just as long I was happy."

Her voice hitched at the emotional memory and Liv's arms tightened around her. "She was very special to you. I'm so sorry you had to see her suffer so much, honey. It couldn't have been easy for you." she spoke softly and rubbed her back soothingly.

"She was special. Still is, even though she's not phyically here. My dad was hardly ever around, I guess it was too hard on him to lose two people that he loved more than anything. I was twenty-five when she died. It was a tuesday 14.37 pm in my bed, wrapped up in my favourite blanket, holding my hand and told me she loved me, to go to college, get an education and do whatever I wanted." Amanda pulled back slightly, leaned back against the sofa and sighed, exhausted. "I did go to college and graduated at the top of my class in business development studies. I had a crush on a woman in my class, I never told her and nothing ever happened, but I eventually told my dad that I liked women and not men. He didn't quite understand it and couldn't wrap his head around it and accept me for who I was. We had a huge fight about it one night and, since I still lived at home with my dad, I packed up my things and got ready to leave when something hard hit me at the top of my head. I passed out and when I woke up I was tied up, in the basement of the church with no clothes on."

A wave of nausea hit her hard at the vivid memory but she managed to swallow it down and continue. "He beat me, starved me, force fed me and... and raped me for almost two years." her throat closed up and it was hard to get the words out. "I... I didn't know about the... the other... girls. I never saw anyone else during the time I was there. If I did I would've told you about it straight away, I swear!" the desperation seeped through as she spoke, her eyes were red and glossy and her nose was stuffy and felt like it had expanded to twize it's size because of it.

Olivia ran a cool hand over Amanda's face and studied her tired features. "I know, sweetie, I know. I'm so sorry for what you went through. Losing your mother as such a young age, then losing someone who was very special to you in such a painful way and then your father did terrible, unimaginable things to you just because you're gay! I wish I could've been there to help you through it all." she finished sadly, "I wish I had known you back then."

Amanda didn't comment on that. Instead she focused her eyes on a tiny crack on the wall above the television, speaking in a defeated tone. "That's why nobody reported me missing. I have no family left, no siblings, no aunts or uncles, no friends from college because they all split up and moved to different parts of the country. I'm all I've got." she chuckled sadly. "Me, myself and I."

The older woman had to swallow at her own lump forming quickly in her throat, feeling all kinds of emotions overwhelm her. Taking a cool hand in hers she rubbed her thumb over the back of it, squeezing it to get the other woman's attention. "You've got me now and you'll never get rid of me, I'm like superglue, annoying and a pain the ass."

Chuckling, Amanda responded with a firm tug on Olivia's hand. "In the past few days I've known you, you never once judged me or looked at me in a funny way, hurt me, lied to me or laughed at me. I'm not sure I understand why you seem so eager to help me but you've been nothing but kind to me and if you consider that being a pain in the ass, then you're a very much welcomed pain in my ass."

Liv beamed and relaxed into the soft cushions. "Be careful what you wish for. I might be more than you can handle." she joked and gave the blonde a wink, watching a faint blush creeping up on her cheeks.

"I... I doubt that." Amanda stuttered and looked down at her hands, embarrassed for blushing over an innocent little comment but Liv was so kind and caring, stunningly beautiful and breathtaking that it was hard not to be affected by her personality and charisma. Suddenly her stomach cramped up and she wrapped her arms around her middle to try and ease the pain. She hissed and groaned as another cramp washed over her. The breakfast was settling in her stomach.

"What's wrong, sweetie? Is it cramps?" when she saw Amanda nod and clench her jaw tightly she couldn't help but to sympathize. "Oh, sweetheart! I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this." she placed a cushion in her lap and held her arms out towards the crippled form next to her. "Come here, sweets. Lay down and try to relax, it should pass in a few minutes."

Amanda almost fell into Olivia's embrace and laid her head down on the soft pillow, feeling the detective's hand immediately start stroking her blonde tresses. Her legs were drawn up to her chin, trying to shift and move to a more comfortable position but she still couldn't escape the pain and cramps. "Shhh, relax. Try to ease up a bit, baby. Bring your legs down a bit and relax."

It was easier said than done but Amanda gave it a try and as her legs lowered she felt the brunette's other hand sneak underneath her top and began to rub soothing circles on the tight stomach, feeling the blonde's muscles spasm beneath her palm. "It's just gonna take some time for you tummy to get use to proper food, sweetheart. I'm so sorry you're in pain and I wish that I could bear it for you." her tone was low and hushed, trying to help in any way to ease some of the discomfort.

"Be careful what... you wish... for." Amanda stuttered between clenched teeth but still managed a half hearted smile.

Olivia found herself smiling down sadly at the woman who layed with her head in her lap, pale and in pain. "I'm sorry." she simply whispered and ran her knuckles over the soft skin of her cheek.

"Why? It's not your fault." Amanda responded and relaxed slightly under Olivia's soothing touch on her cramping belly.

"I just wish I could make things better for you."

"You already... have." she uttered painfully as another cramp tore through her abdomen.

"Shhh, it's okay honey. It'll pass soon." Liv placed her whole palm down on the warm and soft skin, smoothing her thumb back and forth. "How did you end up in the dumpster? Do you remember?" she didn't want to bring up more bad memories but she had to know how she got there in the first place.

"I... I begged for the Garcia brothers to let me go and eventually they did. They weren't there from the start, they just showed up one day after about a year with my father. They didn't actually do anything to me. They were the ones who 'took care' of me, as my father put it. They were the ones who brought me food and water, tended to some of my wounds and cleaned me up. My father had them in an iron fist and they followed his every move and command. Whatever he wanted done, they did it. Eventually I think I got to one of the brothers, I don't know which one, and I convinced him to let me go and they both got me out of the chakles, dressed me in an old nightgown, carried me into a van and threw me inside the dumpster. I remember one of the brothers say; "they'll think she escaped from a mental hospital." next thing, I woke up in the hospital, strapped down once again. I freaked, I thought I was back there again." she sobbed lightly, turned her head and hid her face in Olivia's stomach, feeling safe in her embrace.

"You're okay now, baby. Shhh, you never have to go back there again. No one is gonna hurt you, I'm right here with you and you're safe now. Do you hear me, sweetheart? You're safe, you're safe." the last two words were repeated over and over, drilling them in to Amanda's brain so she would believe her.

"I... I know." she hiccuped, swallowed her tears and looked up into Olivia's brown and caring eyes. "Thank you for everything you've done for me. You have no idea how much it means to me."

The stoic detective blinked at her own brimming eyes but managed a faint smile. "You're welcome. Now try to get some rest, okay? Let me know if your tummy gets worse. Just close your eyes and sleep for awhile. I'll be right here, promise."

Amanda's gace lingered for an extra few seconds before her eyelids began to droop and she couldn't fight the clearly losing battle of sleep. The last words she heard before she drifted into unconsciousness was Liv's soothing words of comfort and reassurance. Telling her she was safe and that they would get through all of this together.


	16. Chapter 16

Misunderstood

Chapter 16

The sound from the tv and clattering of pots and pans in the near distance woke the blonde up, a frown appearing on her face as it took a minute to figure out where she actually was. She became aware that she was no longer comfortably resting her head in the detective's lap and a pillow had instead been added as a substitute. She could hear a low husky humming coming from the kitchen, just behind the sofa, and the corner of her mouth turned upwards in amusement. Olivia was faintly singing, humming along as the theme song for Orange is the new black popped up on the tv screen.

The blonde knew about the show since she had watched the first season before everything happened and she was pleasantly surprised that the show was still in the works, even though she had some catching up to do. Her stomach was much better and so were her eyes. They no longer felt raw and puffy, the stinging sensation was almost gone and her vision seemed much clearer. However, she knew that the dark circles under them were another story.

Pulling the blanket tighter around her body, she slowly sat up, her hair slightly toussled from her nap and she found herself stiffling a huge yawn.

"Well, good afternoon, sleeping beauty. Did you have a nice little siesta? You did snore a couple of times so I presumed you were in a deep sleep. How do you feel?"

Amanda looked confused. "Afternoon?" she questioned and looked at the clock on the wall that, indeed, pointed at two o'clock. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sleep so long. You should've woken me up." she got up on her knees on the sofa and untangled the blanket from her legs before standing up. She instantly felt the cold but did her best to ignore it. "What are you doing?"

Liv, with wooden spoon in her hand, walked up to the couch, smiling gently. "Don't worry about it. You clearly needed the sleep. I'm actually surprised that you didn't sleep longer." her brown orbs locked with blue and she found it almost impossible to tear her gaze away from them, a sudden feeling of immense care and loyalty towards the small woman standing in front of her, messy hair and sleepy eyes, washed over her. Olivia could look into those deep blue eyes forever, so many emotions playing in them, so much hurt and sadness that she wanted to eliminate and so much fear that she wanted to soothe.

"Is something burning?"

The soft voice suddenly penetrated her thoughts and she was quickly warped back into reality, sniffing the air. "Shit, the soup!" Liv ran back to the cooker and removed the pot from the heat in one swift motion. "It's okay, I think it's still edible. Some soup must've splashed onto the hob and burnt it. Pew, close call. Here I am, trying to impress you with my very limited cooking skills and I end up burning soup. Very impressive, don't you think?"

Amanda chuckled as she walked up to the detective and glanced over her shoulder and into the pot. "You made soup from scratch? That is kind of impressive but, yeah you're right, burning it takes a lot of skill." she joked lightly, hoping that Liv wouldn't be offended.

"Hey, you!" Liv nudged her gently in the ribs as she continued to stir the steaming broth. "Cooking is not my area of expertise but I haven't killed anybody with it."

"Yet." Amanda chipped in.

The brunette threw her head back and let out a laugh that made Amanda's stomach flutter with all kinds of feelings, her heart picking up speed at the full sincere echo of the delightful laughter. "Well, lets just hope it never comes to that. Why don't you take your meds and have a seat by the table."

"We just ate!" Amanda stated.

"Honey, that was hours ago." Liv chuckled as she poured the homemade leek and potato soup into two bowls with two slices of brown bread each. "You don't have to eat all the bread if it gets too heavy on your stomach. Just eat what you can."

The blonde reluctantly sat down, scooped up a spoonful of steaming hot soup, before letting it pour back into the bowl. She did it a few times without paying any attention to it, lost in her own thoughts until Olivia broke her temporary trance. "I promise, its good." she smiled gently and cocked her head to the side.

Amanda blushed slightly, her intention was not to hurt the brunette's feelings by playing with her food, she was just simply not aware that she was doing it as her mind was somewhere far far away. "Sorry, I just... drifted off." she mumbled and shoved the spoon into her mouth before blowing on it to cool it down. The burning sensation spread across her tongue and lower lip, grabbing the glass of water in front of her she gulped down the cold liquid to soothe the searing pain. "Fuck!" she mumbled and brought her fingers up to her lip, checking for blisters.

Olivia was suddenly by her side, on her knees, hand on her shoulder and a worried expression on her face, needing to see what damage it had caused. "Aww, sweetie! come here, let me have a look." gently she turned Amanda's head towards her, removed her hand tenderly and began to inspect the slightly red and swollen bottom lip. A blister had already formed on the tender flesh, small but still big enough to cause discomfort and pain. Liv brushed the pad of her thumb across Amanda's lower lip, amazed by how soft they were and how pink, plump and perfect they appeared, so inviting and so tempting.

Amanda felt like her heart stopped as Liv closely studied her burn. She couldn't help but to let a shiver run down her spine as the detective touched her lip so softly and tenderly. Their eyes were at the same level, since Olivia was kneeling on the hard floor, and it was impossible not to make contact.

Everything around them seemed to disappear. The meal was forgotten, the time stood still and the pain in Amanda's lip had temporarily vanished. They were so close, face to face, breaths mingling, eyes searching and cheeks burning. Just a few more inches and their lips would connect, clash together in a heated kiss and not stop until their lungs screamed for air. Just one kiss.

Sitting sideways in her chair, Amanda closed the distance by another inch, ready for what was about to come when the sound of Olivia's phone suddenly interrupted the intimate moment. The blonde pulled away quickly, turned so she was facing the table and took another big gulp of water.

Liv mentally groaned, reached for her phone and saw Fin's name across the screen. "Benson."

"Liv, I've got some good news. We found the Garcia brothers, hiding in a vacant house in Brooklyn and they're interested to make a deal. They confess and plead guilty, they get a reduced sentence of ten years."

That was good news and Olivia immediately felt more at ease knowing that they had finally been arrested, locked away where the sun wouldn't reach their faces and where the rain would never touch their skin. They would be locked in a cramped cell with no privacy and no peace and quiet to even hear your own thoughts at night. "That's great, Fin. Thanks for letting me know. I gathered you got to the precinct okay then?"

"It took me twice as long to get here, it was a bit difficult to dodge the ice patches and I have a bruised ass because of it and Munch is having a field day mocking me."

Liv could hear John chuckle in the background and she, too, couldn't help but to stiffle a laugh. "Sounds delightful, just keep me in the loop of what's going on."

"Copy that, Liv."

Amanda watched as the brunette sat back down on her chair and noticed the faint smile and the somewhat relieved expression playing across her features. "Everything okay?" she asked, holding the cool glass of water against her lip, pressing gently.

"It's more than okay. That was Fin, another detective, he just informed me that the Garcia brother's have been arrested and sentenced to ten years in prison. No body will ever hurt you like that again. You're safe." her brown eyes soften as she witnessed some of the tension and worry leave Amanda's body as if an extremely heavy burden had been lifted from her shoulders.

That was exactly how the blonde felt in that moment and she immediately felt lighter and more relaxed, physically and mentally. The strain and stress from the last few days had taken a toll on her petite frame and, as the relief took over, her fears and worries seemed to dissipate ever so slightly. "What about my father? What's going to happen to him?" the words came out sounding quiet and distant, as if she was afraid to find out the answer.

Liv sighed and wished she could tell Amanda all good things but how could she explain what was going to happen when she didn't even know herself. "I'm not entirely sure. Fin said that the brothers are willing to confess and tell us everything they know. I'm hoping that what they say will keep your father in prison for a very very long time."

A dead silence rang in Amanda's ears as she slowly picked her spoon back up and continued to carefully sip the hot broth. She was dreading the cramps that would surely soon follow but, not wanting to be rude or insult Olivia's cooking, she ate it anyway but leaving the bread untouched. "I don't think I can stomach any bread, I'm sorry." she looked down into her alost empty bowl, ashamed of not being able to eat every single bite.

"Don't apologize. It's okay, honey, you ate most of it." As the brunette cleared the table Amanda suddenly felt awkward and in the way, like a burden and a total waste of space. She felt out of place and excused herself from the table, telling Olivia that she was fine but needed to lie down for a while. Being a good detective and was able to read people like an open book a lot of the time, Liv knew she wasn't telling the truth but decided not to question her about it. If Amanda needed time for herself then she had to respect her wishes and just go with it even though her entire being told her not to let the blonde out of her sight, to be close to her at all times and to hold her tight so she knew she was safe.

Inside the room Amanda sat down on the bed feeling relieved, sad, scared, confused and small. _Am I safe now? Is this it? Is it all over and I'm suppose to move on, carry on as normal and pretend that nothing ever happened in the first place? Why am I still here? Why is Olivia still here? What am I doing? I have to leave. I have to leave now. I have to leave._

Her mind was running too fast for her to stop and actually think about what she was doing. All she could think about was that she was a burden and had to free Olivia from the strenuous task of constantly babysitting her, coddling her and taking care of her. The detective clearly had better and more important things to be doing with her spare time than being stuck with some sad and damaged soul like Amanda. She couldn't let Olivia waste anymore time by minding her twenty-four seven. She had to leave. She had to. For Olivia.

Standing up, her first instinct was to pack a bag with her belngings but she soon realized that she had none. The clothes she wore were not hers, not even the socks or the brown elastic band she used to put her hair up with to keep it away from her face. Nothing she had belonged to herself. Nothing. Looking down at her sweatpants, hoodie and woolly socks she quickly decided against leaving. She couldn't very well just walk out the door and wander around the snow covered city with no shoes or jacket but, more importantly, she had nowhere to go except to her fathers house, her childhood home and her worst nightmare. She couldn't go back there after everything that had happened. She had a lot of good memories in that house but also a lot of bad, in fact, the bad ones outweighed the good and she just couldn't face going back there, at least not yet.

Sighing she sat back down onto the soft bed and pulled a pillow into her arms and hugged it tight, her nose brushing softly against the scented fabric, inhaling the smell of Olivia, safety and warmth. What was going to happen to her now? Where would she go and how was she suppose to move on from here? A cramp ripped through her stomach and she silently cursed as she had no choice but to ride it out. Clutching the pillow tighter into her chest she laid down on her side, curled up into a ball and let the tears fall, sobs escaping her throat as she tried to stiffle the cries with her hand, biting down hard on her knuckles.

Olivia had an unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach. Something was off. Something didn't feel right with Amanda. The blonde's sudden distant behaviour worried her and she knew she wasn't telling the truth when she said she was fine. Battling with herself she debated whether she should check up on the blonde or just leave her be, let her have some time alone to sort her thoughts and feelings out. She didn't want to push or act like an annoying burden, pestering her by constantly being around, asking her questions, telling her to eat and how important it is to take care of herself so her body can heal.

Frustration crept upon her, forcing her to let out a groan and rb her hands over her face to clear her mind of the debating thoughts. That's when she heard the weak sobs coming from the guestroom. Amanda's room. She was crying and it broke Olivia's heart to hear the faint and stiffling sounds of sobs coming from the woman she had grown to care so much for. Standing up she couldn't fight the strong urge to comfort and nurture. Making her way up to the room she gently knocked on the door. "Amanda?" the sobs and sniffles suddenly stopped. "Amanda, are you okay, honey?"

"Y... yeah, I'm good. Just ti... tired." came the shaky reply, closing her eyes tightly, hoping that Liv would just leave it alone.

"You sure? Can I just come in for a second? I'd feel much better if I could see that you're okay. Please!" her voice was low and silky smooth, urging the blonde to let her in.

"I'm... I'm okay. I'm really tired that's all." Amanda cursed at herself for not being able to sound convining enough and she knew now that Liv wasn't going to just walk away. Another cramp tore through her belly, a sob escaped from deep within her chest before she could stop it and Liv immediately burst through the door.


	17. Chapter 17

Misunderstood

Chapter 17

Amanda's heart picked up speed as she heard the door being burst open. Again, Liv would see her in a vulnerable and weak state and again the blonde felt like a failure. Why couldn't she just stop crying, suck it up and stop with the drama already? She didn't want Olivia to see her like this, so broken and defeated. Her stomach hurt even more as the sobs ripped through her frail body and she curled up even tighter, hiding her face in her knees.

"Oh, Amanda!" three long steps and she was beside the curled up form laying on the bed sobbing almost hysterically. She immediately placed her arms around her, pulled her up into a sitting position, sat down next to her and then gently hauled her into her lap, cradling her head in the crook of her neck. "Shhh, baby. I've got you, I'm right here, sweetheart, I'm right here. Just hold on to me, you're okay." Amanda continued to sob uncontrollably, wetting Olivia's tanned skin with her tears but the detective didn't seem to mind. She held her even closer, pulled the covers over the distraught woman and began rocking them both from side to side.

"Easy, sweetie. Take nice and slow breaths for me, okay? You can do it, sweetheart, you can do it." she felt the back of her top being clutched and pulled at, knowing that Amanda's hands were searching for something to hold on to, something to ground her and keep her in the present.

"I c... can't, I... can't!" she gasped between sobs and hiccups, wondering why the air suddenly felt so heavy and dense.

Olivia shifted the shaking form in her arms so that Amanda's front was laying sideways facing her, her face now pressing against the detective's chest, just above her heart. "Shhh, yes you can, I know you can." she whispered softly, her lips resting on Amanda's temple. One hand was cradling the blonde's head while the other snuck underneath Amanda's sweater and began to lovingly form large circles on her naked skin, soothing her in any way she possibly could.

As the large hand worked it's magic she could feel the frantic heartbeats coming from Amanda's chest and she instantly became worried. "Honey?" she pulled back slightly, "Sweetie, I need you to take a few deep breaths, okay. I know it's hard but you're going to make yourself sick if you don't. Please, for me? Come on, in and out slowly, honey. You can do it."

Focusing on the warm hand rubbing her back, skin on skin contact and Olivia's heartbeat made it easier for her to relax and breath a bit easier. When she finally had control over her breathing she felt the shame creep up on her again and hid her face with her hands. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so..."

"Shhh, hey, stop that!" Liv softly replied, kissing her forehead. "You have nothing to be sorry for, sweetheart. Nothing at all." hearing Amanda hiss slightly she knew that the cramps were back again. "Oh, honey! I'm so sorry you're in so much pain." as she cradled the blonde she realized how small she actually was. It was almost like holding a child, except for the fact that Amanda was taller.

Olivia's hand moved from the smooth back to the tight stomach and felt how the muscles contracted and released in intervals under the palm of her hand. "It'll pass soon, I promise." she hushed and once again kissed her temple. About ten minutes passed before Amanda had fully calmed down and Olivia actually thought she had fallen asleep and was surprised when the body in her arms shifted and blue eyes suddenly made contact with hers. "Hi." Liv said, smiling down at the sleepy woman, wiping at the dried tears on her cheeks. "How are you feeling? Do you want to tell me what happened just now? It's good news right? They're behind bars and they can't hurt you or anybody else ever again. What made you so upset, sweetheart?"

There was no use lying to Olivia. Being a detective, for so many years, she could tell straight of when someone was lying or telling the truth so there was really no point in trying but Amanda did try to play it down. "I... I guess I just had a panic attack. I'm fine now though, thanks for... your help but really, I'm okay." she pushed herself out of the warm secure embrace and headed towards the bathroom. "Um, I'm gonna take a shower, if that's okay?"

Liv frowned slightly and reluctantly stood up, giving Amanda some needed space. "Sure, feel free to use whatever you need. I'll um,... I'll just be outside. Take your time."

Amanda almost fell apart again after seeing the hurt expression on Olivia's face as she exited the room, her head hanging low and shoulders slumped. She had caused that. She had hurt the brunette by pushing her away when she only wanted to help but at the same time she needed to distance herself from the detective. Mixed feelings towards Olivia swirled around in her brain and she couldn't put a word to any of them. Was it admiration? Endearment? A crush? A... a... a what? A love interest? No, it couldn't be!

Turning the water to the highest temperature she stood on the tiled floor, letting the strong spray of the shower head hit her back and she winched at the pain it caused because of her burn. It was still not fully healed but it did look a lot better than what it did a few days ago. The steam quickly spread across the small room, fogging up the glass and the mirror, making it almost impossible to see her own reflection but she didn't care. She didn't want to look at herself, to be reminded of who and what she had become.

Suddenly she became increasingly aware of a male presence behind her, pushing her against the hard cream coloured tiles, pinning her body to the wall and forcing her legs apart. "I will show the demon inside that God demands your willingness to surrender and leave this body. I shall cleanse my daughter, my own flesh and blood, from evil spirits that holds her hostage. I will cast you out, Demon! I will cast you out!"

Her father's voice hissed in her ear and she was paralyzed from fear and shock, feeling her body betray her as she began to tremble like a leaf, barely able to stand up. "Go away! You're not real, you're not here! You're locked away and can never hurt me again. Go away!" she cried repeatedly, soft whimpers escaping her throat.

"I will always be here, Amanda. You're my daughter and will not leave you alone until you have been cleansed from the impurities that travels through your body. It's disgusting. You are disgusting! You filthy whore!"

She could feel his breath against her neck, his body pressing against hers and his words were so loud. Where was Liv? Surely she must have heard his loud voice by now. Why didn't she come and save her?

"Nooo, please!" she cried as she felt his large rough hand slip between her legs, spreading her lips and began to painfully rub her clit. "Stop, it hurts! Go away, you're not real, you're not real!" her eyes were tightly shut but tears found their way through, mixing with the water on her cheeks. Her throat was so tight it almost made it impossible for her to speak.

"Oh, I'm real, Amanda. Feel me touching you? That's how real I am. You can't escape me, you dirty dyke. I'll show you what a real man can do." he snarled and pushed her legs even further apart.

Amanda knew what was coming but there was nothing she could do to stop him. She was frozen in place and couldn't move a muscle. Then, out of nowhere, she somehow got her bearings back and started to come around. She filled her lungs with a big gulp of air and, with all the strength she possessed, she let out a piercing scream that tore through the walls of the apartment. "Help me!" she cried, feeling her legs give out and she collapsed into a hysterical sobbing mess. "Please, help me!" her pleading voice suddenly turned weak and vulnerable.

Olivia snapped her head up as the scream reached her ears and it took her a second to register that it was Amanda's voice coming from the guestroom. In quick long strides she made her way into the blonde's room but found it empty, then she saw the steam coming through the bottom crack of the door and she immediately sprung into action. As she bust the door open a big cloud of steam hit her face and the heat inside was almost unbearable.

"Amanda?!" it took several seconds before she could see anything at all, the steam slowly dissipating into thin air, leaving only the glass and the mirror still fogged up. "Amanda?" she tried again when she heard the whimpers coming from inside the shower cubicle and she could faintly make out the dark silhouette of Amanda curled up into a ball on the slippery tile floor.

The detective, on autopilot, slid the door open, reached inside and fumbled with the tap but managed to switch the water off without getting too wet herself. Before her was a naked, curled up and scared out of her mind Amanda, hands covering her head and face as if she was protecting herself from an oncoming blow and her knees drawn all the way up to her chest to cover her private parts. She was shaking uncontrollably, her sobs were so strong and raw it sounded like a wounded animal.

Quickly she reached for a large towel, kneeled down next to the blonde and gently began to wrap it around her shivering shoulders but, as soon as the material touched her skin, she flinched and cried out. "Don't hurt me! please! please, please, don't hurt me anymore!"

Olivia felt her own eyes well up with tears as she took in Amanda's physical state. It was truly and utterly heartbreaking to see the blonde so distraught and terrified. "Amanda, honey! It's me, Olivia. I would never hurt you, sweetheart. Never." she whispered softly. "Come on, sweetie, can you please look at me? Im right here next to you, I'll protect you, I promise."

"He... he was... here and he... he... he pushed me agains the... the wall and he... he... he... I... I couldn't stop him and I..."

"Shhh, no no, baby! There was nobody in here with you. Nobody got into the apartment. I've been outside your room the whole time and nobody got inside. I promise, sweetie. Please, will you look at me so I know that you're here with me, listening to me. I just want to look at you, baby."

Still sobbing, Amanda lifted her head to look at the kneeling detective and her face crumbled when she saw Olivia next to her. "Hey, you're okay." Liv smiled and tenderly brushed wet blonde hair away from her eyes. "You're okay."

Amanda stared at the brunette in front of her with wide scared eyes before she finally slammed her body into Olivia's, clinging desperately to her, needing to feel the warmth and comfort that only Liv could provide. In a right state of mind she would never throw her naked self at someone but she wasn't in a right state of mind, she was scared, petrified and hurting and her nakedness was the last thing on her mind right now.

As the blonde pressed her shivering body against the detective, Liv wrapped the towel around her, trying to keep some of her dignity intact. "Oh, come here sweetheart. Everything is okay. I believe you had some kind of a flashback honey but don't worry about anything, I'll be here helping you get through all of this." the sobs kept on coming in a steady rythm and the shaking didn't seem to ease up, the opened bathroom door was letting the chilly air in, making Amanda shiver from the cold, and goosebumps appeared on delicate skin.

"Do you think you can stand, honey?" Liv gently urged and began to pull away from the shivering form but Amanda shrieked in fear and didn't want Olivia to remove her strong and secure arms. "Okay, honey! Okay, it's alright." she made a quick decision, needing to get Amanda warm and dry as quick as possible. "Can you wrap your legs around my waist, sweetheart? Come on!"

The blonde clung to the tall brunette like a lifeline. Wrapping her legs around Olivia's well defined waist was proven to be a difficult task due to her constant tremors but she did manage after a few clumpsy attempts. Holding Amanda tight in her arms, she hoisted them both up, careful not to slip on the wet surface of the floor as she made her way out, snagging another towel on the way.

Walking out of the guestroom, Liv decided to take her into her own room where she could find some dry clothes that would fit but Amanda refused to remove her arms from around her neck and legs that were tightly locked around her waist. She had no choice but to sit down on the bed, Amanda in her lap and try to coax her into letting go of her strong hold. "Amanda, baby, you're safe here with me. No one is going to hurt you but you're cold and shaking and I need to get you dried off and into some clothes, alright? Come on, sweetheart, I promise I'll be quick." her lips were touching Amanda's ear as she spoke and rubbed her hands up and down the tembling back.

Finally, the younger woman let go, her breathing shallow and laboured, face flushed from the hot spray of the shower and yes red rimmed and glossy. As promised, Liv was quick to find a set of clothes that wouldn't completely drown the woman and tried not to look at her bruised and frail body as she helped her getting dressed. It was hard not to look since the cuts, marks, burns and bruises were starkly contrasted against her otherwise pale skin. As she helped Amanda into her underwear she noticed the bruises on her inner thighs and a wave of nausea washed over her, feeling the sudden rage and hatred flare up from deep within but she had to swallow and ignore her own feelings right now, Amanda needed her and she was determined to help in any way she possibly could.

When the still, slighy sobbing, woman was dressed Liv began to towel dry her hair to get most of the water out before she could lay her down on the pillow. As she gently rubbed the rough material against her scalp and hair, Olivia softly began to hum a song that she knew by heart. She was not, by any means, a great singer but she could hold a note pretty well and the melody was quite simple and soothing.

When Amanda finally had stopped crying and only the occasional hiccup and sniffle remained, Liv finished by brushing out the tangled tresses and, within a couple of minutes, the blonde's eyes began to close and her breathing evened out, relaxing into the soothing touch. "You okay, baby?" Liv quietly questioned, placed the hairbrush on the nightstand and sat down next to the sleepy woman. "Wanna tell me what happened in there?" Amanda shook her head. "Okay, that's okay. Did you have a flashback, sweetie?" If Amanda didn't want to tell her what had happened she could only guess and she was aswered with a shaky nod. "Okay, honey. You don't have to talk about it right now. I think you need to get some rest, though. You're almost falling asleep sitting up. Come on, I'll help you get under the covers."

After being tucked in under the warm duvet, Liv pulled away slightly to turn off the main light but was stopped by a firm hand on around her wrist. "Please," Amanda pleaded, "don't go."

Liv smiled gently and squeezed the hand on her wrist. "I'm just turning off the light sweetie, I'm not going anywhere." she assured and as promised she was back by Amanda's side within just a few seconds. "Would you like me to lay down with you? I could do with a little nap myself."

"Please." the blonde whispered softly as a lone tear slowly made it's way down her cheek.

Brushing the tear away with the pad of her thumb, Olivia walked around the bed and got in under the covers, leaving a few inches between the two, not wanting to crowd the blonde. A few minutes passed and the brunette noticed that Amanda had moved closer to her and that she was still experiencing occasional shivers. "Would you like me to hold you, honey?"

Opening her arms, the sleepy blonde immediately crawled into the warm embrace that was offered to her, placed her head on Liv's shoulder, wrapped one arm around the detective's waist and drifted of in a peaceful slumber.


	18. Chapter 18

Misunderstood

Chapter 18

Two hours later, Amanda popped her eyes open and found that it was now starting to get dark outside. She heard the noises down bellow from the street of cars and trucks trying to make their way through the snow covered roads and also children laughing and screaming, delighted about the sudden change in the weather, busy making snow angels and snow men. Looking out the window she could faintly make out the big fluffy flakes of white descending from the sky above, landing softly on the ground, adding volume to the already thick layer.

The apartment was gloomy and quiet, just the light buzzing from the radiators could be heard as the heating was up and running. She felt warm and safe for the first time since she was a child and it kind of scared her a bit. She was just so unfamiliar with the feeling and didn't know how to process it or how to take it aboard.

Tilting her head up she was almost face to face with Olivia, staring in awe of how beautiful the brunette looked in that very moment. Her eyes closed, mouth slightly open, making her lips look fuller, her tanned skin seemed to glow in the dark lighting and her brown hair was fanned out on the pillow, framing her face beautifully.

Shame and embarrassment suddenly crept up on her as the memories from just a couple of hours ago came flooding back. Olivia had seen her at her worst but that was not the main reason she was embarrassed. She was literally mortified that Liv had seen her in suck a bad state _naked_. Olivia had even helped her getting dressed and tucked into bed like a crying child who was having a tantrum because she had been upset. Things were not looking up for Amanda right now.

She found herself so engrossed by Liv's beauty that she hadn't noticed the brown kind eyes staring back at her. "Seeing something you like?" the brunette asked, chuckling softly and stiffled a yawn.

Immediately, Amanda pulled her gace away, embarrassed yet again, for being caught doing something she normally wouldn't do, blushing furiously. A soft warm hand stroked her cheek gently. "Hey, it's okay. Did you sleep?" Amanda nodded, not trusting her voice just yet. "Have you lost you voice again, sweetie?" Olivia smiled and brushed a blonde stray hair away from sleepy blue eyes.

"I'm just embarrassed." the blonde silently mumbled, too ashamed to even establish any sort of eye contact. The bed shifted as Liv scooted down until they were face to face, cupping Amanda's cheeks with her hands, the pad of her thumbs stroking the delicate skin underneath her eyes.

"Why are you embarrassed, sweetheart? Is it because you were so upset?"

Amanda's eyes flickered across the room, blinking against threatening tears once again. "Being upset while naked." she corrected and felt another blush creep up over her features. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have put you in that position."

"Oh, sweetie! You didn't put me in any position. You didn't do anything wrong. You obviously had a horrible flashback and it just happened to surprise you while you were in the shower. You have nothing to be embarrassed about bodily wise. You are beautiful, my love, absolutely beautiful and I don't want you to think otherwise."

"But all the... bruises and burns..."

"Makes you even more beautiful and courageous because it showes that you're stong and that you managed to survive." Olivia gently interrupted and wiped a lone tear that was slowly trickling it's way down Amanda's cheek. "And they will fade with time, honey. You are beautiful, don't ever doubt that."

Sighing, the blonde looked away and let her gace wander back to the window, snow still falling heavily in brilliant white. "I want to smell the air and feel the snow." she said softly.

"Well, we can fix that. How about I find you something warm to wear and then we can go to the park just around the block. I'm sure it's already been invaded by kids but if we're lucky we can find a small area with untouched snow."

The crisp winter air hit the two women as soon as they stepped a foot outside the door. The vapor from their breaths rising up before dissolving, the glistening from the newly fallen snow sparkled in the streetlight as they made their way towards their destination. Olivia had been right, the park was mobbed with children, dogs and parents who obviously had no choice but to finally let their whiny kids out to play and let off some steam.

Liv watched Amanda from the corner of the eye and saw so many emotions playing across her features, her eyes shimmering and her cheeks rosy red from the biting cold. To Olivia, she was the most beautiful woman she had ever laid eyes on and, in that particular moment, all she wanted was to scoop her up into her arms, hold her tight and kiss the chilly face and lips and never let go. She wanted to show her that life can be good and that there is so much to live for, so much beauty and happiness, not just pain and suffering that she had experienced on a daly basis for the past few years.

Amanda was quick to pick up a handful of snow and began kneading it to make a ball, she then laid it on the ground and began to roll it onto the patch of clean crispy snow, watching it get bigger and bigger. "Wow, you certainly have this down to an art. What made you so good at making snowmen?" Liv chuckled as she tried to copy what Amanda had just done but didn't quite succeed as effortlessly as the blonde.

"I use to love the snow when I was a kid. Every time it snowed we all went outside to play in it, me, my mother and... and my... my father. We made snow angels, snowmen and all kinds of things." a smile was brought to her face as she thought about the happy memories of her parents but it faltered very quickly and the sadness and hurt reared their ugly reflection in her eyes. Only twenty minutes later the snowman's head was neatly placed on top of the middle ball and they both began to pat the snow to even out the lumps and bumps before Amanda placed a few rocks as a mouth and eyes that she had found while being on her knees, creating balls out of snow. "Now, all we need is a nose." she started looking around for anything that could be substituted as a nose but there was not much available.

"How about this?" Liv said and handed her a perfectly orange carrot, smiling mischievous as she did so.

Frowning, Amanda accepted the vegetable, shook her head in disbelief and just looked at it as if it had come to life in her hand. "Wh... when did you... where did you...?"

"I took it from the fridge when you weren't looking. You can't make a snowman without a carrot." she grinned, reached her hand into her other pocket and pulled out another two items. "Or a scarf or a hat."

Amanda raised her eyebrows in surprise and hesitantly accepted the garments. "Who are you? Mary freaking Poppins? What else have you got in that pocket of yours?"

Liv threw her head back and laughed aloud into the dark and nippy evening air. "I have to keep some secrets to myself." the brunette stated and watched Amanda place the hat on the snowman's head and wrap the green scarf around his neck, tying it nicely in the front. "Very nice, Amanda. Does he have a name?"

Pursing her lips, the blonde thought for a while, trying to come up with the most suitable name but came up empty. "Why don't you do the honours? You name him." she suggested and fixed his scarf one last time before stepping back and admired their work.

"How about Olof?"

Amanda looked at her in amusement and confusion. "Olof? That's the name you're going with?" Liv smiled and nodded eagerly. "Okay, but why? It's kind of... unusual."

"Well, there's a kids movie with a snowman in it called Olof. We can watch it when we get back home. It's actually a lovely movie with great music and it's really funny."

"Are you implying that I'm a child, detective?" she scolded but there was a hint of humour hiding behind her serious tone.

Liv raised her arms out in front if her in a defensive manner. "I would never." she stated gravely but couldn't stop a smile from escaping her lips. "Come on, it's getting cold. Let's go home, make some hot chocolate and watch the movie." holding her hand out, she waited for the blonde to take it and, when she did, she gasped in surprise. "Jesus, Amanda! Your hands are like ice. Why didn't you wear the gloves I gave you, sweetie?" she rubbed the frozen hands gently between her own, willing warmth into the stiff digits.

"I wanted to feel the snow. Besides, you get a smoother finish on your snowman if you don't wear any." she argued and winched in pain as the detective kept rubbing her chilled skin.

"Sorry." Liv apologized and eased up on her touch a bit, not wanting to cause Amanda any unnecessary pain. "A smoother finish, ugh? You sound like a professional snowman maker." they both chuckled and began making their way home.

Back at the apartment, they both got changed into fleecy pyjamas, Liv got started on the hot beverages while Amanda fixed the blanket on the couch, spreading it out, ready to be snuggled underneath. For a kiddies movie Amanda thought it was incredibly funny and very well made. The characters were all so different but yet they were all searching for the same thing; their happily ever after.

"Olof is definitely the right name for our snowman. I'm glad you picked it." Amanda said as she snuggled deeper into the warmth of the blankets and let out an involuntary shudder, still slightly cold from the earlier activities out in the cold snow.

Olivia noticed the shiver and scooted closer to the blonde, the need to hold her and provide her with some heat creeping up. "Come here, sweetie. Can't have you freezing in my company." holding her arms out for Amanda to crawl into, blue eyes curiously searched Olivia's before cautiously accepting the open embrace.

Both happily content with each other, they sat there, watching the end credits of the movie scroll down the screen, Liv's left arm around her shoulders and her right wrapped tightly around her waist, pulling her close to her own body. A few minutes passed and Amanda could hear the change in Olivia's breathing. Tilting her head up, to see if the brunette had fallen asleep, she was instead met with two chocolate orbs so close to her own, noses almost touching and their lips not far behind.

Both women, shocked by the sudden close proximity, froze in place, breaths mingling, minds buzzing, hearts racing and eyes searching. Everything seemed to disappear around them and the time appeared to have come to a complete stop and nothing else mattered, nothing else was important except for this very moment.

Olivia didn't want to push or scare the woman away. She wouldn't use her current vulnerable state like that and forced herself to hold back and let Amanda lead the way, for her to set the pace and see how things evolved from there. She wanted nothing more than to kiss the pretty blonde next to her. Amanda's lips looked so soft, so sweet, so full and so perfectly pink. Then, she noticed how, ever so slightly, the blonde parted them and moved half an inch closer, feeling her warm breath on her face. Liv's eyes fluttered close and she held her breath as Amanda leaned even closer. Suddenly, the brunette felt the warmth and softness of Amanda's kiss and she was afraid to move incase she would scare the young woman.

Amanda curiously tasted Olivia's plump lips, gently brushing against them, nipping at her lower lip before deepening the kiss, allowing her tongue to slip out and caress Olivia's hot mouth, which was immediately granted. The second their tongues met, none of the two women could suppress a moan from escaping their emotionally clogged throats.

Liv placed her hand at the back of Amanda's head, letting the blonde locks curl around her fingers and deepened the kiss even more, feeling the smaller woman relax and sink into her. When they both ran out if air, they had no choice but to pull away from the sweet torture.

Blue eyes searched brown for a long time before before Amanda timidly spoke up, whispering softly. "Why does it feel like I've known you forever?"

Tucking a stray lock of blonde hair behind a delicate ear, Olivia smiled sweetly and cupped her face. "Maybe we knew each other in a previous life?"

Raising her eyebrows in surprise, Amanda chuckled. "Do you believe in that stuff? I mean, reincarnation and that life has no start, no end and continues on and on in a circle?"

Now, it was Olivia's turn to chuckle as she kissed Amanda on her forehead lovingly. "I believe that this discussion is way to serious and deep to be having right now, honey." sadness clouded the blue eyes and her stare became distant and dull. "Hey, what's wrong, sweetheart? Tell me." Liv encouraged and caressed Amanda's upper arms and back.

Sighing audibly, the blonde shifted where she was seated and closed her eyes for a brief second. "I can't help to wonder if... if I... if it was a boy or a girl? It died before it even had a chance to live. How is that fair?" she asked, knowing that Liv could not possibly provide her with an answer.

She felt the blanket around her tighten and a soft kiss was placed on the top of her head. "It's not. It's not fair and there is nothing that I can say or do to make it hurt any less. All I can offer you is to listen to you when you need to talk, give you space when you want to be left alone and to hold you when you feel like there's nothing good left in this world and you feel like giving up and can't stop crying. I'm going to be here for whatever you need, sweetheart. I'm not leaving."

She felt how the small form in her arms began to shake and she knew that the flood gates had opened yet again and a strained hiccup echoed through the room. Liv felt her heart clench at the sound and fought against her own tears as she pulled Amanda fully into her lap, holding and rocking her like a baby. "Shhh, sweet girl. I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry that you're going through this."

Amanda clutched at the front of her own shirt, needing something to hold onto as the heart wrenching sobs kept coming in a steady flow. Olivia pushed her forward a bit, trying to make it easier for her to breathe, stroking her hand up and down the quivering back, running her fingers through blonde hair and soothing her with gentle words. "Shh, baby, it's okay. Just let it go, sweetheart, just let it out."

A minute passed and Amanda managed to take a lung ful of air. "I... I can't... can't stop!" she wailed as another round of violent sobs tore through her body.

"Oh, sweetie, you don't have to stop. Just let it run it's course, baby. It's okay to cry, dont worry about not being able to stop. It will stop when you're good and ready. You don't have to stop right now. It's okay, shh."

It took several minutes for Amanda to finally calm down enough so she could breath and speak properly again. Olivia had pressed the mute botton on the remote so she could gently coach Amanda to inhale and exhale in the same rythm as herself. The blonde was now slumped back, resting comfortably in Olivia's safe arms while the brunette soothed her with gentle touches on her face and back, until they both decided to call it a night, Amanda insisting on sleeping on her own, wantin to prove to Olivia, and herself, that she could do it.


	19. Chapter 19

Misunderstood

Chapter 19

She was hungry, thirsty, cold and in pain. Trying to look around to see where she was, she was only met by darkness, damp cold air and hard wet concrete floor. Shifting, where she was laying on her back, the chains tied to her arms and feet were pulled, tearing at her already marred skin and she became aware that she was naked. Attempting to move again, she felt a stabbing pain tearing through her lower abdomen and she couldn't help but to let out a deep and raspy moan. She called out for help but was only met with deafening silence as another wave of agonizing pain shot through her lower body. She was alone.

Suddenly a strange sensation came about and the need to push became almost too strong. What was happening? What was going on? A third wave of pure agony washed over her and, with all the strength she could muster, she pushed hard. Screaming in pain and fear she felt something shift within her and she could feel something pushing it's way through her lower belly, travelling down between her legs in a slow and painful way until the sudden urge to push appeared once again.

With all the strength she had left in her cold and shivering body, she bit down on her lower lip, closed her eyes tightly and slammed her head back into the hard surface she was positioned on and gave it one last push before she felt an instant relief as a warm and sticky mess coated her inner thighs. Then, a high pitched wail pierced her eardrums and then a small, gurgling and helpless cry followed. A baby! She had just given birth to a baby. Confused, but still exited to see the tiny little human being, she pushed herself up slightly to take a look but, yet again, there was nothing but darkness. She couldn't make out anything, not even the contours of the baby or what sex it was. Nothing.

Crying herself, she desperately tried to reach down with her hand to touch the new born but the chains pulled and tore her skin open. She couldn't reach the upset infant and her newly awakened maternal instincts came flooding. She wanted to hold the baby, kiss it, sooth it and nurture it like a mother should but, being tied down to the cold and wet cement floor, made that completely impossible.

Then she heard footsteps, from a distance at first, but it rapidly came closer and closer until she could feel another presence next to her. She didn't need light to know who it was, didn't need to see or hear this other presence because she knew who was lurking in the murky shadows. Her father. Whimpering and pleading for him to let her see and hold her baby, he laughed, kneeled down and stroked her flushed cheek with his rough and dry knuckles.

"Oh Amanda! What a gift you have given me. It's a true miracle." he then picked the baby up into his arms, let out a sinister chuckle, turned and slowly walked away, leaving his own daughter hurt, cold and bleeding on the ground for the rats to nibble on.

"NO! Please, come back! Give me my baby GIVE ME MY BABY!" she roared, flung her arms wildly around her, sweating profusely and panting before waking up and sat straight up in the bed, sheets clinging to her sweat soaked body. "My baby!" she cried and curled into herself, muffling her screams as she pressed her mouth against her knees.

Olivia was wide awake as soon as the screams reached her ears. She threw the covers to the side, got up and ran as fast as she could into Amanda's room and found her sitting in bed, rocking slightly back and forth, crying and whimpering in terror and angst. "Sweetheart?!" Olivia gently announced, approached the shivering form and place a hand on a damp shoulder. "Sweetie, it's okay." she soothed softly and when Amanda didn't pull away she scooted in behind her, placed a cool hand on her burning forehead and brought her head and body back to rest up gainst her front.

"Shh, it was only a dream, baby, only a dream. I've got you and you're safe here with me in my apartment in my bed. You're safe." she repeated over and over while her other hand was wrapped around Amanda's stomach, gently rubbing circles over her drenched pyjama top. "Oh, sweetie! You're absolutely soaking. We have to get you into some dry clothes, honey. Come on!" she pulled away slightly but was stopped by Amanda's terrified plea.

"No, please, don't go! Don't leave me." she clung to Olivia's arms that were securely fastened around her middle.

Liv kissed a nearby temple and hushed her with an ever so soft soothing voice. "Hush, sweetheart, I'm not going anywhere and I'm not going to leave you, okay? I just want to help you get in to some dry clothes so you'll be more comfortable. I'm not leaving you, sweet girl. Shhh." the older woman continued to rock Amanda's damp and shivering body in her arms for a few more minutes before she gently scooped her up in her arms, cradled her against her chest and took her into her own bedroom where she could find something for her to wear.

As she helped the blonde to get redressed, she took a good look at Amanda's face when she wasn't paying attention and the sad and lost appearance on the flushed features broke her heart into tiny little pieces. It was a look of complete hopelessness, emptiness, exhaustion and Olivia wanted to soothe everything away so she wouldn't hurt anymore.

When the blonde had a fresh pair of PJs on, Olivia helped her under the covers and got in next to her, pulling her close and rubbed large circles over her back and shoulder blades. "Do you want to tell me about the dream, honey? You don't have to but I know for a fact that it does help. I'll be right here, listening."

There was a heavy silence in the dark room and Amanda was contemplating whether she should tell Olivia about her nightmare or not? She knew that talking about bad dreams and traumatic experiences did ease some of the pain, guilt and fear and did in fact help but the thought of bringing it all back up again was daunting and frightening. All she wanted was to forget about the dream and her father but, despite her fear, she took a deep breath and spoke with a shaky voice.

"I... I was back there again. Tied down, laying on the... on the cold floor, hungry, freezing, naked and... and I... I... I was... pregnant and I... I... the baby... I gave birth to my baby..." she cried, her face crumbled in dispare but found the strength to continue. "... I couldn't see or touch it. I was... pulling at the... the chains but I couldn't reach my baby!" she shook from the sobs and Olivia found it hard to understand the upset blubbering woman, her words were sputtering and hurried. "It was pitch black... I couldn't see anytbing but I... I... I felt and heard my... my father next to me. He... he touched... my face, laughed and... and thanked me for giving him... such a gift and then... then he... he took my baby and... and... and he took it and... and he... he walked away, laughing and I yelled at him to give me my baby but he... he didn't, he... he just walked away with my baby, my baby, my baby..." she had worked herself up into a state where she could barely talk, her body shook from violent sobs and catching a breath seemed near impossible.

Olivia ran a cool hand over Amanda's heated face, her concern peaking as she noticed the laboured breathing and the rapidly heaving chest. As she had done before, she placed her hand, palm down, onto the raising and falling chest, feeling the rapidly thumping heartbeats. "Shhh, sweet girl! Calm your breathing for me, come on, you can do it. Nice and slow, sweetheart, nice and slow."

"I... I can't!" the blonde hiccuped while trying desperately to fill her lungs with air to satisfy the hunger for oxygen.

Olivia reached for a clammy hand and held it tight against her own chest, kissing it softly. "Yes, you can, honey! Just listen to my voice, focus on my voice okay? Come on, baby! Come on!" she kept her voice low and soothing, nearly a whisper, as she spoke words of comfort and reassurance while still holding onto Amanda's small and cold but clammy one. "Thank you, sweetie, for telling me about your dream, for trusting me enough to tell me. I'm so sorry that you're suffering like this. I wish I could make it all better, I really do." she whispered softly.

Amanda was too emotionally exhausted to say another word. All the crying, panicking, fear and pain had taken it's toll on her mind and body, finding it near impossible to speak or even move. "I know that everything is still very raw and fresh but, honey, would you consider talking to someone about all of this, someone proffesional? Like a therapist or a councillor? I'm always here to listen, sweetheart, but there is only so much I can do. I don't have the skills or knowledge to help you in a way that you deserve. You don't have to give me an answer right now but it's worth to think about. Just let me know if that is something you're willing to try and I'll make the arrangements. I can go with you if you'd like, just say the word and I'll make it happen, okay. I'm here and I'm gonna make sure that you're taken care of, no matter what it takes. You're not alone in this."

The words reached Amanda's ears but she was too tired to verbally respond. She heard every word Olivia had just said but it had taken slightly longer to actually comprehend what she meant and understand the context of it. She simply nodded and fought to keep her bloodshot stinging eyes open.

Liv made sure she was all covered up, comfortable and warm before kissing her lightly on her cheek then her lips. "Sleep now, sweetheart. You're safe, you're warm and you're in my bed next to me and I'll be right here if you need me during the night and I'll be here when you wake up, I promise. Just close your eyes, shh."

The morning sun streamed through the gap between the curtain and the window frame. It was bright and clear and Olivia noticed that it had finally stopped snowing. Carefully, so she wouldn't wake the blonde, she tip toed over to the window and looked out, finding the streets, roof tops and everything else still covered in a thick layer of white. The draft from the double glaced window made her shiver slightly and goosebumps appeared on her tanned strong arms. It was beautiful, like a magical winter wonderland that glistened in the brightness of the beaming rays.

"Is it still snowing?"

Liv was slightly startled by the sudden voice coming from behind. It sounded weak and full of sleep. "Hey, sweetcheeks." she stated softly and sat back down next to the barely awake blonde. "It stopped but there's still a lot of snow out there. " she smoothed her hand gently over Amanda's face, brushing toussled hair away from her eyes. "How are you feeling, honey? You look a bit pale but that could be from lack of sleep due to your nightmares. Did you sleep through the rest of the night?"

Amanda knew she looked pale without even seeing herself in a mirror. It was like she could feel that the colour in her cheeks had drained from her face, leaving her with a grey and sickly looking appearance. "I slept pretty good." she mumbled, "I'm still feeling tired and sluggish, though."

Olivia caressed a soft cheek with the back of her hand. "Why don't you stay in bed for another while? I'll bring you breakfast." she offered as she stood up and was relieved when Amanda nodded with a slight smile on her lips. "Okay, give me ten minutes. How about some scrambled eggs, freshly squeezed orange juice and maybe some crispy bacon?" her own stomach rumbled as she mentioned the mouth watering foods.

After taking her meds, Amanda slowly began to eat, dreading the expected cramps that were sure to follow. The bacon was perfectly cooked, nice and crispy and drained from any excess fat but Amanda only had one piece since she was not use to eat meat. Liv was understanding, telling her that it was probably a good idea not to eat too much of it all at once. The orange juice and eggs went down pretty well and the blonde felt comfortable and satisfied.

"I've thought a bit about what you said last night." Amanda interrupted the silence and saw Olivia's gace studying her from the corner of her eye. "About talking to someone." she said more quietly, folded her hands in her lap and took a shaky breath. "I... I'm not looking forward to it but I know that it's probably what I need so I can find some... closure and move on with my life. It's not something I want to do but it's something that I need to do."

Liv pushed the tray away, shifted her body so she was facing the younger woman and reached for her hands. "I'm really proud of you, honey. I know that it's not something you want to do but I know for a fact that it will help you heal and find closure. It's going to take time and effort but you, we, will get there, I promise you that. I'm going to call my therapist and see if he can fit you in sometime this week for a referral, okay? He's really good at what he does and I know that he will refer you to the person he thinks will suit you and your background. I'll call him later on today, it's still a bit early. I mean it, Amanda, I'm really proud of you for making this decision, it couldn't have been easy."

The blonde nodded and held on tighter to Olivia's hands. "Thank you." she whispered and didn't try to stop silent tears from rolling down her pale cheeks. "I truly appreciate everything you've done for me, Olivia. I have nothing to offer you. I have no money, no job... nothing, and I just don't understand what you see in me and why..."

"Hey, shhh!" Liv gently interrupted. "I don't care about any of that. You have plenty to offer me, sweetheart, you're just in a bad place right now and it's hard for you to see the bigger picture and difficult to try and find something in yourself that makes this whole dark path worth walking. I'll be with you every step on the way, sweetie, and don't worry about money or not having a job. When you're ready and feel up to it, I'll help you find a job but, don't think for one second, that you're a burden to me and I don't want you to worry about money, okay? Your health is my priority and main concern right now and it should be yours too. We're going to get you back on track, baby, I promise."

There was a comfortable and peaceful silence in the room. Their hands were still intertwined, holding onto each other tightly, Amanda shedding the odd tear and Olivia wiping them away as they fell.

"You have a therapist?" the blonde finally asked quietly.

Chuckling lightly, Olivia kissed one of Amanda's slender hand. "Yeah um, after Lewis I... I needed help finding a new direction in life, how to function again, how to shake the negative patterns by doing things that you normally wouldn't do. Simple things like walking to work instead of taking the car or the sub, try a new restaurant or even food you've never tasted before. You'll be surprised how much of a difference small trivial things like that matters. I still see him from time to time, if I had a rough case or if I just need to vent or simply because I want to. He's there to help you see things in a different light."

Amanda locked her eyes with Olivia's, brought her hand up to rest upon Liv's cheek, leaned in slightly and placed a soft kiss on plump lips. "Thank you." she whispered and kissed her again.


	20. Chapter 20

Misunderstood

Chapter 20

Dr Peter Lindström was well established and well known in his area of expertise. He had been working as a therapist for over two decades and there wasn't one single case he would turn down, seeing each and every client as a challenge and an opportunity to excel and learn more about human behaviour himself. Amanda was no different and they all agreed that, even though Olivia was already his client, Amanda would still attend two appointments, two days a week. Liv was not allowed in on Amanda's appointments unless it would benefit the blonde or if there was something Dr Lindström could inform Olivia about when it came to helping Amanda if she was having a panic attack, a nightmare or just a bad day in general.

It was hard for Amanda to open up on her first appointment. Talking to a stranger, a male stranger, made her feel very uncomfortable and scared at first but, after a few meetings, her fears and worries slowly ebbed away and she became more sure of herself and her way of expressing her feelings and thoughts. Olivia patiently waited outside in the waiting area until she was ready and they had made a little routine of going for something to eat afterwards.

This appointment, however, had been unusually rough on Amanda and she was emotionally draied and exhausted when Dr Lindström finally opened the door that led to the counselling room and guide a red eyed, pale and upset blonde through the doorway.

Olivia had been busy reading a magazine when her head shot up as she heard the door open. The comforting smile she currently wore, quickly faded when she spotted the teary eyed shaking Amanda. She stood up and instantly made her way over to the duo, giving Dr Lindström a questioning and worried look. "It was a quite draining session that brought up some bad and heavy stuff. Just be close by if she needs you and I'll see you both in a couple of days."

Liv didn't want to bombard Amanda with questions even though she was frustrated and wondering what had happened inside that room, why she was so upset? What had brought it on? Was she okay? Olivia knew that talking about traumatic experiences could often lead to memories, bad memories, to suddenly pop up and assault your senses in the most horrific of ways and it didn't necessarily have to be one single thing that caused overwhelming emotions, it could be many factors that played a role in a sudden outburst. All she needed to do now was to get Amanda home where she felt safe and comfortable.

The car ride was silent, except from Liv's occational soothing words of comfort and small reassuring touches on her shoulder or knee. Trying not to break any speed limits was a difficult task when all Olivia wanted was to get the blonde home as soon as possible but she didn't want to use her authority and break any laws.

It had gone so well the past four weeks. Amanda had gotten more relaxed around people and, more importantly, in herself and now this?! The detective knew very well that every session is different, with different emotions and different ways of handling the outcome of them and that you needed setbacks in your recovery process to actually be able to move forward. This just came as a shock for both of them but for Amanda it felt like she had just taken two steps back and was now stuck.

It was still winter in the air even though the snow had melted weeks ago but inside the apartment the warmth enveloped the two women like a heated blanket. It was almost dinner time and the darkness had slowly crept up on them and before they knew it, it was pitch black outside.

Amanda would probably be too upset to stomach anything food wise but she had to eat something to maintain her digestive system and her metabolism. Since Amanda was now off the medication for her stomach cramps, and her belly in general, Olivia made sure that she ate healthy, regularly and not skipping any meals even though Amanda was well capable of cooking, and knew what was good for you and not, she still wanted to make sure she was taken care of.

The silence was slowly killing Olivia and she could no longer keep quiet and pretend like everything was okay and that nothing had happened. After a light dinner, which was only half eaten on Amanda's part, the brunette could see how hard Amanda was trying to hold it together and not to break down in tears. She didn't know how to approach the subject and, of course, didn't want to upset the blonde further but enough was enough and as they finished their meal, Liv cleaned up quickly, took Amanda by the hand and led her over to the couch where they both sat down, Liv leaving a foot length between them.

"Do you want to tell me what you're feeling or thinking, sweetie?" she gently encouraged as she held the small hand in hers, feeling it trembling.

Amanda's face crumbled slightly, turned her face down and pressed her lips tightly together and shook her head. Olivia shifted closer by a couple of inches, ducked her head to try and read the blonde's facial expressions. "It's okay, honey. Whatever it is, you can tell me. Saying it out loud is a big and scary thing to do and it also makes it feel more real but, I promise you, we'll get through it."

Amanda continued to shake her head while silent tears dripped down onto their joined hands. Liv pulled her hands away and tenderly wiped at the damp face. "Shhh, hey hey! Baby, tell me what's wrong, I only want to help you. It's breaking my heart to see you like this."

The smaller woman tried to keep her tears at bay but there was no use in trying as they seemed to fall more heavily the more she fought against them. "I... I don't... don't want you to ha... hate me." she cried, feeling incredibly small and vulnerable.

"What?" Olivia frowned in confusion. "Why would I hate you, sweetheart? What makes you say that?"

"I... I didn't mean for it to happen, I promise. I... I tried not to but it was too much and I... I... I just couldn't stop it." she whispered as she wept.

Olivia was confused. She had no idea what she was talking about and nothing she said made sense. She didn't mean for what to happen? Couldn't stop what? What was going on? "Amanda, honey! I have absolutely no idea what your talking about. You didn't mean for what to happen? What couldn't you stop? Tell me, sweetheart, please! I want to know, I need to know." she cooed in a soothing voice. "It's okay to tell me."

The blonde finally brought her head back up and teary blue met warm and concerned brown. "I... I didn't mean to... to... to fall in love with... you." her words were only a whisper but Olivia heard her loud and clear, causing her heart to stop, only to resume in double speed, and she temporarily forgot how to breathe.

Amanda had just told her that she loved her. She had fallen in love with Olivia Benson, a Manhattan SVU detective and a good one at that, a kind hearted, loving and badass cop that busted perps for a living. That Olivia Benson. Amanda didn't dare to look at the brunette's face in front of her, too ashamed and embarrassed for what she had just confessed. "I'm sorry." she sniffed weakly. "I shouldn't have said anythi..."

Her words were cut off by Olivia's soft and warm lips pressing firmly against hers. She was startled by the detective's sudden move but she wasn't going to pull away. Instead, she found herself melting into the sweet kiss and felt a surge of arousal pass through her body, causing her fingers and toes to tingle with warmth and excitement. When she felt Olivia caress her lower lip with her tongue, she granted access and the kiss deepened significantly, causing both women to moan and shift closer to one another. Only when Amanda brought her hand up and gently cupped Liv's breast, did the brunette pull away.

"Whoa! Easy there, Tiger! We don't have to knock it out of the park on the first day, hmm?" she giggled and brushed blonde hair away from a flushed face.

Amanda looked down again, embarrassed for losing control like that but also confused as to why Olivia had pulled away when she seemed to enjoy it as much as herself. "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. I just... I thought that... that you wanted it and I... I... I just wanted to please you. I'm so sorry!" Amanda frantically repeated and burried her face in her hands.

"Hey, it's okay!" Olivia whispered gently while trying to pry her hands away. "I did want it and I did enjoy it, sweetie. I only pulled away from you because I think we should slow things down. I don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of the situation or..."

Advantage? I kissed you!" Amanda interrupted.

"I know, honey. I just don't think that it's the right time. You're in a very vulnerable state right now and there's a lot of things going on for both of us. Believe me, there's nothing more I'd like than to make love to you, to feel you, to touch you to hold you. I'm just saying that we should take things slow and see where it leads us. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

The blonde sighed audibly and nodded. "Yeah, I do and you're right, we should probably take things slow. I'm sorry."

Olivia smiled and kissed her softly on the lips again. "I'm not, because I love you too." she whispered, her brown eyes darkened in colour and her whole face lit up when she experienced Amanda's instant reaction first hand. The blonde threw her arms around her neck, nustled her nose into Liv's collarbone and sighed heavily, her body shook from relief as she cried softly into Olivia's warm tanned skin. "You okay, baby?" she asked as the body in her arms trembled and she pulled Amanda impossibly closer.

"Yeah, I'm just... I'm okay. Overwhelmed, I guess." came the shaky reply, her lips brushing against Olivia's skin as she spoke, causing the older woman to shiver slightly.

"That's totally understandable, honey." she kissed a fair brow. "You okay with this? With us? Do you have any concerns or doubts?"

"Just nervous, I guess." Amanda shyly confessed.

"About what, sweetie? What are you nervous about?" her fingers ran through blonde locks softly, kissing her forehead and temple.

There was a pause, a short time of silence before Amanda picked up the courage to say what was on her mind. "I'm worried that... I'm not going to be enough for you. I don't want to disappoint you or let you down. I've never had a serious relationship before. I mean, I've been with women before but obviously not since... not since... you know, this while thing and I'm just..." she sighed in frustration before she decided to just spit it out. "I'm worried that I might not be able to... please you."

Liv frowned, not sure what she had meant by that, but when she spotted Amanda's red face she knew she was talking about sex. "Honey, a relationship is a two way street. As long as we have trust, honesty and respect then everything will work itself out. That's why I pulled away earlier, not that I wasn't enjoying what we were doing, but because none of us is ready to go down that road yet. It's going to take some time to get there but we will reach our destination if that's what we really want. You set the pace, I don't want things to be rushed. You're in control, sweetie and I would never break your trust. Never."

Amanda did trust Olivia. She trusted her words, her promises and her loyalty that she had shown so many times over the past several weeks that they had known each other. It was herself she didn't trust. What if she freaked out in the middle of... _It?!_ Or what if she had a flashback during sex and couldn't go through with it or, by some reason, she hurt Olivia during a state of panic? She wouldn't be able to forgive herself if that happened. She did not trust herself right now. Olivia pulling away earlier was a good thing and Amanda was now happy that she did.

"Honey?!" Olivia's low and soothing voice broke through her thoughts and she blinked a few times in an attempt to come back to the present surroundings. "The kiss we just shared was completely amazing and I really, and I mean really, enjoyed it and found it extremely hard to pull away from it. If just a simple kiss from you have that effect on me, then I don't think you have anything to worry about, sweetheart." she ran her knuckles down Amanda's soft and smooth cheek tenderly, leaned forward and, ever so gently, brushed her lips against the blonde's. "Nothing at all." she whispered.

Amanda let out a shaky breath once the kiss ended. Both women were overwhelmed by it but Olivia could still see fear and uncertainty in the blue eyes. "Is this something you'd like to talk to Dr Lindström about? Maybe he can have a session with the two of us so we can talk through our concerns and fears, what we want to achieve and what we want to happen between us. I think it would help the both of us, what do you think?"

Even though how scary and embarrassing it would be to talk about it with her therapist, she knew that Liv was right. Things would probably lighten up a bit and seem less worrisome if it all came out in the open and if they shared their feelings. Amanda finally nodded. "Okay," she replied shakily, "I'll try."

Smiling, the brunette pulled her in to her arms and held her tight. "That's all I'm asking, sweetheart. You've come so far the past few weeks, don't let something that we both know would be an amazing thing, stand in our way. I understand you have doubts and fears and that's totally normal after what you've been through. Just remember that I'm here no matter what happens, I'm not leaving and I could never ever force you to do anything you don't want to do, sweetie. Never."

Listening to Olivia's reassuring words made her feel a bit more calm and more at peace about the whole situation. She knew, however, that that feeling wouldn't last very long but she decided to accept it and treasure it for as long as it did last. Right now, in this moment, she felt safe, content and relaxed in the warmth and strength of the older detective. "I know." she answered in a faint tone, feeling the stress and the tension from her recent session leave her body as she sank into the embrace.


	21. Chapter 21

Misunderstood

Chapter 21

Amanda picked at the worn material of the couch in Dr Peter Lindström's waiting area. She was nervous as hell, her stomach was in knots and her palms were sweating profusely. She hated feeling this way. So on the edge and out of control. It had been almost two weeks since Olivia suggested on a session together so they could talk about their uncertainties and questions about their newfound relationship.

When Dr Lindström opened the door, Liv stood up, offered Amanda her hand and together they walked into the modern but cozy office. Peter instantly noticed a change in the atmosphere as they entered and couldn't stop a slight grin from creeping up on his face as he spotted their joined hands, fingers intertwined. "Olivia, Amanda, nice to see you." he politely greeted them. "I see that some changes have evolved in the matter of a couple of weeks. I'm happy for you, please sit down."

Dr Lindström sat in his large recliner a few feet away from the two seater sofa where the two women were sitting. Amanda had curled herself into the corner, trying to make herself as small and unreachable as possible, her hands now nervously fidgeting. The detective put a large warm hand on top of Amanda's rattled fingers and gave them a gentle squeeze. "It's okay." she whispered softly.

Peter noticed how caring and compassionate Olivia was acting around Amanda. He had seen it before but, this time, it felt different, more heartfelt and authentic, like the older woman really cared about the blonde and would do anything in her power to help Amanda in every way she possibly could.

"So, we haven't seen each other in almost two weeks, which isn't that long, but I can see a big change between you two." he mentioned, letting his eyes travel from one woman to the other, smiling gently as he did so and letting his gace slip down towards their clasped hands. "I believe a congratulation is in order."

Olivia smiled widely and chuckled lightly. "Thank you! Yes, it's been like a rollercoaster ride lately. I'm happy, we're taking things slow and I believe Amanda feels the same way." she beamed.

Amanda felt two sets of eyes staring at her and she wished she could just disappear into thin air, for the couch to envelop her into it's soft cushions or for the ground to swallow her whole. She felt her face going red and she became extremely uncomfortable, fidgety and nervous. "I... I do." she stuttered and smiled briefly.

"We're just having some thoughts about where to go from here. I believe the intimate part is something that we obviously want to accomplish, even though it might take some time, but we both have some concerns about the next step in our relationship. Things that we need to shed light on before we do anything hastily." Olivia could feel how uncomfortable the blonde was next to her. It was like she radiated fear and horror and Liv picked it up straight away, wanting to ease her nerves.

Peter pursed his lips, nodded and clasped his hands together. "Well, these feelings are completely normal to experience in any new relationship but in this case, I must say, it's a bit more delicate." he turned his attention towards Amanda. "What do you feel about all of this?" he asked matter of factly. "Let's just say that you both decided that it was time to take the next step, you're enjoying yourself, everything is going smoothly, what is the worst that can happen? What are your main concerns?"

Again, two sets of eyes were left staring, burrowing their gazes deep into her soul. "Um,... I... I guess I'm... I'm afraid that... that I won't be able to... see it through, that I'll have a freak out or a... a flashback or a panic attack and I'll ruin everything or... or that I... I disappoint her, that I'm not good enough." there, she had said it out loud, confessed her fears and exposed herself.

Dr Lindström nodded understandingly. "What makes you think you're not good enough?"

Amanda shrugged nervously and fixed her gaze on a faded stain on the rug underneath the small glass table positioned between them. "I don't know, I... I guess I'm just self conscious about my body and the way it looks. I've got many scars and marks." she said quietly. "I'm... I'm broken." she whispered. "I just don't see what I have to offer. I'm damanged goods."

"Oh honey!" Liv softly chipped in, scooted as close as she possibly could to the young woman and ran her fingers throuh blonde hair. "You're not damanged, sweetie. We had this conversation, remember? You're an amazing woman who have gone through a horrible ordeal, fought through it, came out at the other end and survived. You're a caring, loving and gentle person even though you've gone through hell. To me that shows you're strong, independent, stubborn and capable of doing anything you put your mind to. I know it's going to take time for you to realize that you are all of these things and I'll keep repeating them to you every second of every day until you finally see it too. You are beautiful inside out, sweetheart."

Olivia had tears in her eyes as she finished speaking and Peter could see the love Olivia had for Amanda and vice versa, just by hearing and listening to the brunette speaking so lovingly about her. "Do you feel that the scars and marks on your body makes you ugly, Amanda?" Peter asked gently cocking his head to one side and frowned slightly.

The blonde bit her lower lip and nodded in shame, with no verbal response, tears gathering in her pale blue eyes. Olivia held on tightly to Amanda's left hand, letting her thumb stroke the back of it in soothing circles. "Has Olivia seen any of your scars?" Amanda nodded once more, blinking rapidly as the salty drops began to drip down her cheeks.

Peter turned his attention to the brunette. "Have you?"

Swallowing at the lump forming in her throat, Liv took a breath. "I've seen a few on her back, a few on her arms and lower legs. I've also seen a burn mark in the shape of a crucifix at the side on her lower back. To me, the scars show strength and an incredibly strong will to live." she turned towards Amanda and gently caught a tear with the pad of her thumb before continuing. "They don't define you, sweetheart. They don't make you ugly or weak. We all have scars, yours are just more prominent and raw but, honey, scars do fade with time and I will be here every step of the way. Promise."

Amanda was too emotional to speak, knowing that, if she opened her mouth, she would more than likely break down in full sobs. Instead she tried to smile and nodded slightly.

"Are the scars your main concern, or is there something else that's been on your mind as well? Maybe just the whole thought and concept of being intimate with someone after everything you've been through? Does that scare you?" Dr Lindström gently prodded. Being in the field for so many years he could easily read the signs, establish patterns in behavior, body language and facial expressions. Amanda ticked all the boxes for PTSD and Geneal Anxiety Disorder and, by diagnosing a patient, treatment would be easier and quicker to find and execute.

Olivia grabbed a handfull of tissues that was provided through a dispenser box on the table and handd them to the emotional distraught women, watching her dab at her eyes and nose. Finally she had calmed down enough to, hopefully, get something audible out. "The thought of being... intimate with someone, anyone, terrifies me." she whispered while fidgeting the damp tissue in her hands. "I'm afraid that... that if Olivia touches me in that way, that all I'm going to see and feel is my father's face and hands instead of hers. I don't want that to happen. She deserves better than that."

"How do you think Olivia would react if that happened? What do you think she would say or do if you had a sudden flashback during sex and you broke down completely?"

Silence filled the unusually large office as the young blonde thought about her answer. "I... I'm not sure. I... I guess she would stop whatever she was doing and make sure I was okay. That's what I would've done but I... I don't know, maybe she would be disappointed in me as well, for not being able to... see it through, for being weak and... and pathetic."

"Baby, I would never think that about you." Olivia interrupted softly, her own eyes started to fill up.

"What would you do if that happened, Olivia? If Amanda had an episode while you two were being intimate and things turned into a completely different direction. How would you react? What would you do to try to calm the situation?"

"I would stop what we were doing, of course." she turned sideways on the couch so she had a better view of Amanda and continued. "I would make sure that you were safe, warm, protected. I would talk to you, hold you, sooth you in any way I could. I would let you know that you're not alone and that things will be okay. I would bring you back to me."

Amanda listened carefully to Olivia's words and felt how they settled down in her mind to stew for a bit. It warmed her heart to think that Olivia would do all that just to make her feel safe. She turned her head to look at the woman next to her and could instantly see that Liv was telling the truth, her brown eyes glistened with compassion and care.

"How does that make you feel, Amanda?" the blonde had to stop herself from not rolling her eyes at the cheesy cliche line that therapists always used in movies and books.

"Um... I don't know." she mumbled. "The thought of... having sex is too scary to even think about at the moment. I can't put myself in that scenario, to me it seems too far away, like a... a distant dream."

Dr Lindström turned his attention to Liv. "What do you feel about all of this? I mean, do you think you're ready to take the next step?"

The detective raised her eyebrows and thought for a minute before answering. "No, not yet. I mean, there's a lot going on at the moment and I don't think any of us is ready to go there but I think we're slowly heading in that direction. It's a process and we have to take things step by step."

"I agree." Peter stated. "Every serious relationship is taken step by step and I think you're both doing a great job at it. It's going to take time but with dedication, trust and respect towards one another you will get there. I do have something in mind that I'd like for you to try. I want you both to get to know each other's bodies in a non sexual way. Expose a body part of yourself, a part that you feel comfortable with, and let the other study it, touch it and learn it. It could be your foot, your arm or your neck, anything. I want you to each show a part of yourself. I know it's going to be hard for you Amanda, since you feel so self conscious about your scars but this will really help with that and, eventually when you feel more sure of yourself, it will get easier and easier. You think you can do that and I'll see you two back here again in three days time? I don't want you to feel pressurized and do it because I said so. I want you both to really _want_ to do this."

Olivia nodded. "Okay."

"I... I'll try." Amanda responded shakily, her chest tightening at the thought of exposing herself to Liv, even though it was just her hand or foot.

Smiling gently, Peter let his gaze flicker between the two women. "That's all I ask."

Back at the apartment the air was thick and tense, so thick you could almost cut it with a knife. Dinner was eaten in mostly silence and Olivia could sense the fear and dread in Amanda's every move and every breath until she could no longer ignore the blonde's obvious mental pain. "Honey, are you okay? Talk to me, please." the brunette pleaded while staring at Amanda's back as she washed their plates by the sink. She could see the petite shoulders shake from trying to hold in her tears and she had to do something. "Honey." she soothed, walked up to the shorter woman, placed a soft hand on a trembling upper arm and turned her around to establish eye contact. Amanda immediately looked away, too ashamed to look at the worried expression on the detective's face.

The tears rolled involontary down her cheeks as her breathing became irregular and heavy, causing her chest to tighten even further. She did not want to cry. She didn't want Olivia to see her vulnerability right now, there had been plenty of that already and she was sick of it, so so sick of it, but no matter how hard she tried, she could still not find the strength to keep the tears at bay and she crumbled in front of Olivia's very eyes. "Oh, my sweetest girl. Come here, baby! Its okay, shh."

Amanda stood frozen and Liv, herself, had to pull her in for a warm and soothing embrace, feeling the body in her arms hske with full force, all the pent up emotions, that had been building all day, were finally breaking free. "What's going on in your pretty little head, honey? What's gotten you so upset? Is it because of what Dr Lindström suggested for us to do?" she kept her voice low and comforting, more of a whisper than anything, while rubbing her hands up and down Amanda's back, holding the woman close, feeling her nod against her chest. "Oh, honey! My sweet sweet girl. Come on, let's go and sit down on the couch, I'll finish the washing up later. Come with me, sweetheart, come with me."

Gently, she pushed the weeping blonde down onto the soft cushions and, while standing in front of her, she did something that caused Amanda's heart to stop momentarily. Olivia had pulled her top of, leaving her in only a pair of black jeans and a black lace bra, exposing round, full and voluptuous breasts. She sat down and instantly saw the terror in Amanda's eyes. "It's okay, honey. You don't have to do anything, just sit here with me."

Tentatively, Amanda curled up against Olivia's side, her head resting on a naked shoulder, her left arm slowly wrapped itself around the brunette's bare waist, gasping at the softness of the warm skin. Instinctively she shifted closer and let her tears flow. "Shhh, there we go, my sweet. It's okay."

As she cried in the detective's strong arms, she couldn't help but to let her eyes travel over the tanned soft skin. It felt like warm velvet, smooth silk and smelled of sandalwood and vanilla. Her hand was resting just above the generous swell of Olivia's left breast and she shivered as the older woman gently reached for it, opened up her palm and placed the clammy hand flat over her heart. She could feel the steady heartbeats underneath and it had a calming and soothing effect. Soon her breathing had returned to, somewhat, normal and her eyes were slowly beginning to droop.

She didn't know how much time had passed, how long they had been sitting like this, all cuddled up in the comfort of each other, when she realized that, somehow, during this past few moments, Olivia had, ever so gently and carefully, rolled up the sleeve of Amanda's shirt, exposing her lower arm and elbow and was now gently stroking her pale skin with her fingertips, turning it slightly in her hand to tenderly caress the inside of it. When Olivia traced her fingers over a patch of marred skin, she flinched and tried to pull away but Liv was quick in her actions and gently held the arm in place.

"Shh, sweetheart, it's okay." she cooed into her ear. "I'm not going to hurt you. Just feel my touch, my hand touching your skin, my fingers tracing your arm." Amanda relaxed efter a while, leaning more of her body weight against the brunette. "See, that's it, sweetie. You're okay, you did it!" Olivia whispered, smiling and nustled her nose in blonde hair, inhaling her scent.

"No," came the weak reply, "we did it."


	22. Chapter 22

Misunderstood

Chapter 22

"I think Dr Lindström was surpried at how well you've been doing, honey." Liv said smiling as they walked hand in hand through Central Park. It was a nice day, overcast but still dry and the temperature had been slowly rising during the past few weeks, spring was on it's way.

"I couldn't have done it without you." Amanda answered shyly, looing down at the footpath as she walked. Her self confidence and self esteem was slowly but surely building it's way up but she still had a long way to go. Olivia tried not to look at it that way but, instead, try to explain and show Amanda how far she had come and that things could only get better and better.

The brunette squeezed the small hand she was holding. "You don't give yourself enough credit, sweetheart. You've come this far because of You, not me. I have just been tagging along, annoying you with my presence, acting as your shadow just so I can see your beautiful face." she lifted her right leg, kicked Amanda gently in the butt from behind and winked. "I'm like your groupie, your biggest fan who has this insanely huge crush on you."

The blonde giggled and bounced her shoulder against Liv, causing the older woman to stumble slightly. "Hey, is that your way of thanking your own personal stalker?" Olivia placed a hand over her heart, pretending to be hurt.

"Mommy!" a child's cry interrupted their banter before Amanda could say something smart back in her defense. A girl who couldn't be more than five stood a few feet away, looking completely lost and terrified, tears streaming down her cute freckled cheeks. "Mommy!" she cried again but louder.

"Hey, sweetie! What's your name, honey?" Olivia had immediately turned her attention towards the distraught child and walked up to her, Amanda close behind.

The snotty little girl took a couple of steps back, her blue eyes shining from tears. Amanda stepped out from behind Olivia and smiled at the blonde little toddler. "It's okay, we're not going to hurt you. We just want to help you find your mommy. Can you tell us your name?" she lowly approached the girl, bending forward a bit, making herself as small a possible so she wouldn't make the child feel scared or intimidated by a larger presence.

"I'm... I'm not suppose to... to talk to strangers. Mommy said." her words came bubbling out between sniffles and soft sobs.

"That's a very good rule. My mommy taught me the exact same thing when I was your age. But what if I told you that my name is Amanda and the woman behind me is Olivia and she is a police officer. It's kind of her job to make sure that we find your mommy. So, can you tell us your name?"

Blue teary eyes darted between the two women, trying to decide whether to follow her mother's rule or to just tell them her name. "Ka...Kate." she finally mumbled, wiping her runny nose with the back of her sleeve.

"That's my favourite name! Now, we're not strangers anymore." Amanda beamed, hoping she could make the child feel more at ease. "I had a doll named Kate when I was a kid and she was the best doll I've ever had. Now, where did you last see your mommy? Was she with you in the park?"

The child nodded and sniffled. "Yeah. We came to feed the ducks but... but I... I saw a butterfly and I... I just wanted to pet it and... and I... and..."

"... and you ran after it, trying to catch it?" Amanda finished for her, smiling gently at the little girl's innocence.

"Yeah, but it was too fast and... and when I turned around mommy wasn't there." she began to cry again, her bottom lip trembling. "I'm sorry." she sobbed.

Amanda sank down to one knee in front of the girl and stroked her cheek, wiping her tears. "It's okay, sweetie, we'll find your mommy, okay? You wanna hold on tightly to my hand while we go look for her?" she held her hand out and instantly felt a smaller one fill her palm. "Come on, pumpkin. Let's find your mommy."

Olivia was usually the one to take charge in situations like these but watching Amanda handle the little girl made her choke up and get all emotional. To see this other side of Amanda made her heart swell and she couldn't help but to picture the blonde with a child of her own, the child that she lost, the child she never got a chance to see or hold. Amanda would make a wonderful mother.

She stayed behind the two as they walked towards the pond where the ducks would usually be, watching them interact with each other. Kate was telling Amanda a story, totally engrossed in it, waving her hands in the air, eyes wide and shining with imagination and her short little legs moving twice as fast as Amanda's. It was such a precious sight and Liv didn't want to interrupt or intrude and decided to just stay in the background and enjoy watching them interact.

As they got closer to the pond they could hear a female voice frantically shouting Kate's name and the little girl immediately let go of Amanda's hand and ran towards her mother. "Mommy, mommy! She finded me, she finded me!" she yelled as her little legs ran as fast as they could into her mother's waiting arms. "She finded me mommy!" she squealed happily.

The worried mother engulfed the child, holding her tightly and thanked everything Holy that she was alright. "What do you mean, honey? Who found you?" she asked her daughter, tears of relief in the same blue eyes as her baby girl.

"Amanda and the police!" Kate beamed happily and pointed towards the two women approaching them.

"The police?" the mother said in shock, her face showing confusion and slight fear.

"Don't worry!" Olivia stated calmly. "We found her alone crying for her mommy. Apparently she got lost after chasing a butterfly." she smiled down to the little girl who was now clinging onto her mother's leg. "No more chasing butterflies without telling your mom about it, okay?"

Kate nodded, promising Olivia to listen to her mother and not to venture too far. "I don't know how to thank you." the woman said, her hand placed over her heart to show them how grateful she was.

Olivia took a small step to the side and placed her hand on the small of Amanda's back, guiding her forward slightly. "I might be cop but, Amanda here, did a great job calming your daughter down enough so we could go and look for you. You have a lovely girl."

The woman almost threw herself into Amanda's arms, holding on tightly and repeating her thanks about a hundred times before letting go of the startled and blusing blonde. "It's... it's okay." Amanda stuttered. "I... mean, I... I was happy to help."

As mother and daughter said their goodbyes and headed for the park's exit, Amanda couldn't help but to feel slightly overwhelmed. The short few minutes she had spent with the girl had triggered something inside of her that she couldn't explain. A feeling, many feelings, mixed together and she didn't know what to make of it. She thought about the baby she could've had and unconsciously placed a hand on her lower stomach, rubbing her thumb over the material of her jacket as a lone tear slid down her flushed cheek.

Suddenly, she felt a strong arm wrap around her waist from behind, pulling her close. "You were amazing." Olivia whispered into a nearby ear and turned Amanda towards her, her heart sank as she saw the tear that had landed in the corner of her mouth, leaving a wet path in it's wake. "Hey! Oh baby, it's okay. She's okay thanks to you. You did great, honey, I'm so proud of you."

Smiling sadly, Amanda wiped her face. "Thanks." they began walking again, hand in hand towards a cafe. "Do you handle cases that involves children too?"

"Yeah," Liv answered with a sigh, "unfortunately we do handle a lot of cases involving child neglect, child abuse and sexual assault. Those cases are the hardest to deal with but someone has to speak up for them when their own voice won't be heard. We do what we can but sometimes it's... it's not enough."

She felt Amanda squeeze her hand in support. "I admire you, you know. I couldn't do it." she stated firmly. "I don't think I could watch a child suffer and not be able to do anything about it. I would probably end up shooting the son of a bitch responsible."

"You sound like my old partner, Elliot." Liv smiled sadly at the memory of her ex long term partner. "I guess twelve years of watching kids going through hell eventually caught up to him. He handed in his papers and left on day, without saying goodbye. Haven't heard from him since, that was almost six years ago now."

Amanda could detect the sadness, confusion and disappointment in Olivia's voice and she could also see the emotions playing across her face. "I'm sorry he did that to you. I know that partners can get really close in your line of work, almost like a married couple. You didn't deserve that and I'm sorry you had to go through it." her voice was sincere and empathetic, offering the brunette a comforting smile and a gentle tug on her hand. "Hot chocolate?"

"Count me in, sweetcheeks!" Liv grinned as they entered the small cafe.

Back at the apartment Liv was typing away on her laptop, being slightly behind on her paperwork which was very unusual for the brunette. She always kept up to speed with case files, reports and logs but the last few weeks had been busy, both at the precinct and in her private life. Amanda needed her and she was not going to wave her off and make her feel like she didn't matter. The tv was on but neither woman was paying attention to the action packed, science fiction movie playing before their eyes. Olivia was deeply engrossed in her work, brows tightly knit together in concentration, her glasses rested comfortably on the tip of her nose and her teeth nibbled at her lower lip. To Amanda it was the most beautiful sight and she was captivated and drawn to the stunning brunette. She glanced at her from the corner of her eye while pretending to watch the movie.

"Is there something on my face?" Liv suddenly asked, a sly smile playing across her lips as her fingertips graciously roamed the keyboard.

Feeling a deep shade of red creeping up her face, Amanda didn't know what to say since she had been caught in the act. "I... I wasn't... I mean, I was just..." sighing, she sank down further into the softness of the sofa. "Okay, I was staring." she shyly admitted and began to fidget with the hem of her shirt. "You're beautiful." she mumbled.

"What?"

"You're beautiful." Amanda repeated a bit louder than the first time.

"What? Say that again, I can't hear you very well." Liv said and cupped her hand behind her ear, her face scrunched up as if she was straining to hear what Amanda had just said.

The blonde became aware of Olivia's playful manner and threw a pillow at her. "You're mean, Benson." she pouted and crossed her arms over her chest.

Olivia chuckled, closed the laptop, placed her glasses neatly on the table and scooted closer to the sulking woman. "You better pull that lip in before I kiss it." brown eyes studied the pink plump lips that were only a few inches away from her own. The room became quiet, even the noisy movie seemed to have magically turned down it's own volume and their faint breathing was the only sound they could hear.

Amanda leaned in closer and brushed her lips against Olivia's, feeling the brunette's warm breath tickling her sensitive skin. "Kiss me." she whispered but it sounded more like a plea than a simple request. The detective didn't think twice before fully claiming the lips of this beautiful woman and kissed her passionately but let Amanda set the pace and take full control of the situation.

The kiss lasted for a long time and by the time they pulled away, they were both breathless, panting from the lack of oxygen, eyes darkened with desire and hearts beating wildly within their chests. " _You_ are beautiful." Liv whispered and stroked a smooth cheek. "So very beautiful."

A strange sensation swept over Amanda as Olivia said these words. She had heard her saying those words many times before but this time felt different, it even sounded different when the detective had said it. A wave of peace, calm and contentment came crashing over her and she burrowed herself into Olivia's chest and immediately felt two strong arms surround her, pulling her close, kissing the top of her head and rubbing her back soothingly up and down.

"I love you." Liv whispered and began a slow rocking motion from side to side, her own body relaxing against the blonde's.

"I love you too." Amanda whispered gently, her voice full of emotion, clogging her throat to a point where she could barely speak.

Later on, when they laid next to each other in bed, Amanda traced her fingers along Olivia's side, enjoying the warmth and softness, memorizing every curve, every groove and every little bump. It felt comforting, in a way, to be able to touch the brunette in this fashion and it calmed her usually anxious spirit more than she thought was possible by just a simple touch.

Feeling a sudden moment of bravery pass through her senses, Amanda gently took Olivia's hand in hers, slipped it under her own top and placed it on her naked skin just below her right breast, shuddering as she felt Liv's fingers flex upon the contact. "You're beautiful." the brunette whispered and felt tears sting her eyes at the wonderful moment.

Amanda frowned when she spotted a tear escaping brown orbs. "Why are you crying?"

Shifting closer, Olivia cupped the blonde's cheek, her thumb brushing lightly over her pale clear complexion. "I'm honoured. I'm honoured that you feel comfortable enough to let me touch you this way, honey. I'm so proud of you. You're the strongest person I know." they kissed gently, lips brushing lightly against one another's, breaths mingling together, panting as the kiss grew deeper, more passionate and intense.

After several long minutes of making out like love struck teenagers, Amanda slowly and reluctantly pulled away. She was aroused, so incredibly aroused but she didn't feel ready to go all the way and she was so grateful that Olivia seemed to understand that before she voiced her uncertainty out loud. "Sleep now, my love. It's okay."


	23. Chapter 23

Misunderstood

Chapter 23

 **Explicit sexual scenes in this chapter. If it offends you then move on. I got a bit carried away!**

Again, the two women found themselves in a comfortable position, that had more or less turned into a daily routine, by sitting on the couch, the tv on, Olivia with her laptop and Amanda doing the crossword puzzle printed in the newspaper. The light tapping on the keyboard was comforting and familiar and Amanda found that it had become a soothing kind of ritual and had a calming effect on her usually troubled mind. She had become to love that sound, almost long for it sometimes. It was like an addiction that she couldn't get enough of but it wasn't just the noise on it's own that made her feel that way, it was the combination of how Olivia looked and the noise that made it so special. The brunette would always wear her glasses on the tip of her nose, brows furrowed and her lower lip in a gentle hold between her teeth.

For the past two weeks, Olivia had barely spent anytime at home with Amanda. Work had been crazy busy and taken up all her time, making her feel guilty as hell for not being there for the blonde as much as she would've wanted. To everyone's surprise at the pricinct, she was now officially on a two weeks vacation and she was finishing up some paperwork before she could relax, clear her mind and totally focus on Amanda and their relationship.

She had just clicked the save button, when a bare foot was suddenly shoved in front of her face. Raising her eyebrows, she looked over at Amanda who was smiling as she flexed and wiggled her toes in the air. "To what do I owe this pleasure?" Liv joked, closed her computer and placed it on the coffee table.

"Well," the blonde began, "I'm simply following Dr Lindström's orders and letting you touch and study a part of me." she stated simply and waved her foot around, keeping it in Liv's eye level.

"Your foot?" the detective asked, confused but also amused by Amanda's playful behaviour. It was not often she saw this side of Amanda but she had grown to love it and cherish it when it did occur.

"I thought that maybe you could give me a foot massage and, in return, I can give you a back rub in bed. You've worked so hard lately and I can see that you're tired."

Liv narrowed her eyes, a sly grin appearing on her face as she snatched the foot with one hand and began to tickle the sole of her foot with the other. "I'll give you a massage, young lady!"

Amanda roared with laughter as Olivia steadily held on to her right foot, poking and scratching lightly underneath it, making the woman squirm and wriggle, trying to get out of the situation. "I surrender! I surrender! Please, stop or I'll pee my pants." the blonde begged, slapping at Liv's hands to make her stop.

"I'm not falling for your tactics, Miss Rollins!" Olivia stated and began tickling her stomach and ribs, all while Amanda cried with laughter, so hard her sides and face hurt from straining the muscles she wouldn't normally use.

To the detective, a laughing Amanda was the most precious sight she had ever come across. The blue eyes lit up, faint dimples appeared, a perfect set of white teeth showed and her pale skin blushed from the excitement. Simply beautiful. Hovering above Amanda, Liv stopped her delightful torture as the blonde gave up struggling underneath her and they were both left with slowly fading giggles, irregular breaths and deep fiery eyes. The room fell quiet and everything around them seemed to disappear in that moment. Everything in their surroundings turned blurry and unfocused, nothing else mattered but them.

It was a frozen moment in time that lasted forever but in reality, only a few seconds passed before Amanda cupped a tanned cheek, stroking the soft warm skin underneath one of Liv's tired eyes with her thumb, content in her current state and mood. A powerful urge to kiss this woman, this beauty, hovering above her like an angelic form of life that only existed in fairytales, became too strong to ignore and suddenly her lips were attacking Olivia's in a sensual heated kiss.

Amanda surprised herself with the hungry liplock they were now sharing. She didn't think she could ever feel this way about another person after everything she had been through but Olivia had, somehow, sneaked inside her mind, wrapped her around her little finger and eventually broken down her walls. It was scary not to have the comfort of the walls surrounding her. She felt exposed and vulnerable, bare and weak but yet so much stronger than before, before Liv had entered her life, added value to it and also meaning. It felt like everything was falling into pace and she was so happy about it.

"Do you wanna move this to the bedroom?" Amanda asked while sneaking her fingers under Liv's top, running the tips gently up and down her naked sides.

"What... about... your... foot... massage?" the detective questioned between passionate kisses all over the blonde's face and neck.

"What... massage?" the blonde giggled and wrapped her legs around Olivia's toned waist, locking her ankles at the back so she was more secure. "Take me to bed, Olivia Benson." she whispered, her warm breath caressing the brunette's glowing face.

Olivia didn't hesitate for a second. In one swift move she was standing upright with a clinging Amanda glued to her front and together they made their way into Liv's bedroom. Ever so gently, Liv began to undress both of them. She began by shedding an item, like a sock, from her own feet and then discarding the same clothing from Amanda until they were both laying all tangled in each other's naked limbs in just their panties and bra. It was up to Amanda to give the all clear for the next step.

"Please," Amanda whispered as she felt the brunette pull away slightly. "I need you."

It was a plea for help, to feel something to feel good again, for someone to touch her intimately in a loving and gentle way, not the rough and violent touches she was so use to. "Are you sure, sweetheart? I don't want to do anything you're not ready for." she wiped at Amanda's flushed face, her blue eyes so full of emotion. The blonde didn't answer but instead took one of Liv's hands in hers and placed it over her breast, clutching on to it. That was all the encouragement Olivia needed and she instantly placed her lips over the material of her bra, feeling her nipple harden under her warm mouth.

"Oh my god, please! More! I need more!" the blonde desperately begged, her hips began to rock on their own accord, trying to grind her pelvis onto Olivia's leg for some much needed friction. Liv pulled the lace material down under her breast, leaving an errect pink nipple staring straight at her. She licked it, teased it and sucked it while sneaking her other hand underneath Amanda's slender back to unhook her bra. Once the material was discarded she removed her own and felt small hands cup them firmly.

"Oh, Amanda! The things you do to me." she groaned and kissed her way around the blonde's chest area, down her rib cage and bellybotton. She could smell the younger woman's arousal in the air as she travelled lower and lower down her body. When she reached the waistband of her purple lace panties she hesitated, afraid that she was going too fast or had gone too far. "You okay, baby?" her voice was husky and filled with lust as she looked into Amanda's hazy eyes and was rewarded with a nod.

In less than a second she had the restricted material removed and was greeted with a glistening moist heat, seeping out from the petite blonde's sex, the musky scent hit her nostrils and she breathed in deeply, taking it all in before taking her first taste. "Oh god!" she mumbled against Amanda's slick folds and let her tongue flick the engorged clit, sucking gently on it, circling her tongue around the slippery flesh.

"Oh my... please, I... god!" Amanda panted as soon as she felt the warm velvety tongue against her throbbing sex. Tears instantly came to her eyes as she had never felt this good before. She was overwelmed with pure pleasure and she couldn't help but to let out a strangled sob.

Olivia was on immediate alert, stopped whatever she was doing and crawled back up to face her lover, concern written across her features. "Hey, shh, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry, baby. It's okay, sweetheart. Come here." she pulled her in close, kissed her forehead and wiped her tears away. "I shouldn't have..."

"No," Amanda quickly interrupted, "you did everything just right. I'm just... I'm just overwhelmed. It's good, it feels so so good. Please, don't stop."

Olivia didn't look convinced. "Are you sure? We can wait, sweetie. There's no rush and I don't want to hurt you in any way." she soothed, brushed blonde toussled hair away from teary blue eyes.

"I'm sure. I... I need you to touch me, to make me feel good, to forget his... his hands. I want your touch, your hands on my body so I can forget. Please, I need to feel you." it was more of a plea than a request and Olivia slowly nodded, kissed her deeply on the lips, tasting her own arousal and, this time, let her hand travel down towards where it was needed the most.

Amanda's hips shot up as soon as Liv's hand made contact. "Fuck." she grunted and began a rocking motion, trying to match the detective's rythm. "So good." she panted in pure bliss, floating on cloud nine. She knew it wasn't going to take long.

Liv kept up the steady rythm with her fingers, stroking her swollen bud while whispering sweet nothings into her ear and felt how Amanda's walls began to tighten around her digits. A few more strokes, a few more rubs and she would bring her over the edge. "Come on, baby, it's okay. Come for me, my sweet girl. Just let go." as she spoke those words she felt the body underneath her go completely still before it began to almost violently shake with so much pent up pleasure.

While still stroking her clit, Liv watched Amanda unravel beneath her. Her eyes slammed shut, her breathing stopped and a strangled cry of pleasure and relief echoed through the room. A stream of clear liquid hit Olivia's hand and created a wet patch on the white Egyptian cotton bedsheets and her legs immediately closed around Liv's still moving hand, a bit shocked and embarrassed about the new sensation and the way her body had completely let go.

"No, it's okay. Open up for me, baby." she gently pried her legs open as another gush of warm liquid met her hand. "That's it, sweetie. Come for me, it's okay." she soothed while slowing down the rythm and then came to a complete halt. Amanda's body was shaking from the aftershock of her intense orgasm and the tears now came in a steady flow, letting her emotions out, her chest heaving, breathing restricted because of her tight throat and she lost it.

"Shh, sweetheart." Olivia cooed gently, bringing her face into her chest and holding her tight as she cried. "You're so so beautiful. That was amazing, honey. Thank you for letting me touch you. It's okay, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. I love you." she held on to the trembling heap of sweaty and tangles limbs, pulled the covers over them both and pressed a steady stream of soft kisses on the blonde head, caressing her naked back, hips and sides as she whispered words of comfort.

"I'm so proud of you, honey. How do you feel?" the brunette asked gently, waiting patiently for an answer.

"Relaxed, um... relieved, happy and... and a bit embarrassed, I've... I've never..." she sighed and blushed, avoiding any eye contact with the stunning brunette.

Liv raised her eyebrows in a gentle manner and stroked the heated face beneath her. "You've never had an orgasm like that before?"

Amanda shook her head. "I... I didn't even know it was possible for a woman to... to... you know, come like that. It surprised me."

"Don't be ashamed or embarrassed by something that is completely natural... and sexy." she added with a grin. "I'm just glad you enjoyed it as much as I did."

Amanda chuckled. "I believe I enjoyed it a bit more than you, detective. Thank you." she whispered and kissed the brunette lovingly. "Thank you so much."

"You don't have to thank me, baby." again, she began to kiss the damp face, neck and chest, teasing her nipples once again with her skilled fingers and mouth. She needed to taste her lover this time, needed to feel her warm wetness on her face as she climaxed, needed to smell and watch her arousal seeping from her sex.

When Olivia's warm soft tongue explored the soaked pink flesh Amanda could feel her walls starting to tightening, her toes tingled, her body felt like it was being wrapped in a heated blanket and her eyes fluttered close.

Liv was positioned between Amanda's fully spread legs, tasting, sucking and licking her swollen clit with her mouth, watching her lover's juices stream out from her opening. She didn't want to use penetration in case it would be too much for the blonde considering everything she had been through. Instead she focused all her attention on the pink small protruding bundle of nerves underneath her tongue, working it in a steady rythm while holding onto Amanda's hips as she feasted on the slippery folds.

Suddenly Amanda's hips shot up and another strangled and muffled grunt escaped as she clutched at the bedsheets. A warm spray of fluids gushed out of her urethra, making the already wet patch on the bed bigger. Olivia groaned as she felt the warm liquid drip down her lips and chin, savoring the taste and smell of the blonde as she slowed down her movements. Whn Amanda's body stilled she covered them both again with the duvet, pulling the shaking body as close as she possibly could.

"Oh sweetie, that was amazing. You taste and smell so good. So so good, I can't get enough of you." she cooed and ran calming hands over her trembling form, feeling her slowly relax before it finally came to a stop and she realized that Amanda had fallen asleep in her arms.


	24. Chapter 24

Misunderstood

Chapter 24

 **AN; I'd like to thank everyone for reading and for taking their time to leave a review. This will be the last chapter of Misunderstood and I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thank you to sheepish for encouraging me from start to finish :)**

When both women woke the next morning Olivia was in for a surprise. She was woken up by sweet little kisses on her lips and neck, fingers tracing every curve on her body and deep blue eyes studying her smooth chocolaty skin, memorizing every imperfection, every freckle, every scar. The innocent kisses had quickly turned into passionate and hungry ones and, before the detective knew what was happening, Amanda's hand had found it's way down, sliding through her heated sex, stroking her up and down. It didn't take long for Olivia to come, her juices seeped out of her while she called her lover's name out loud, the echo bouncing from wall to wall.

They fell back to sleep after that, tangled together in a sweaty exhausted mound of limbs. Next time Olivia woke it was just after ten am and Amanda was still sound asleep next to her, hair toussled, cheeks flushed from sleep and mouth slightly open, allowing for soft snores to escape. She smiled and gently brushed a stray lock of blonde hair away from her face, relishing at the softness that this woman possessed.

She kissed the smooth forehead and felt the body in her arms stir from the sudden contact and blue eyes fluttered open, staring at Olivia, full of sleep. "Morning, sweetheart." Liv whispered and kissed her lightly on the lips, smiling as the small form shifted close to her, burrowing her face in the crook of her neck, stretched and let out a squeal.

"You're too cute for your own good. You sound adorable." Liv chuckled.

"I bet I don't look adorable." the blonde grumbled and stiffled a yawn. "I feel sticky and sweaty."

"Well... I wonder why? Could be our amazing, breathtaking and earth shattering sex we had last night and a couple of hours ago. Wanna take a shower together?" she winked and cupped a soft breast in her hand.

Amanda gasped at the contact and instantly felt aroused. The things this woman did to her was out of this world. One single touch and she was wet and ready. The shower ended up to be the longest shower Amanda had ever taken. Pushed up against the cold tile wall, one leg flung over Olivia's shouler while the brunette showed her the skillful movements of her tongue again. Another powerful and mind blowing orgasm washed over her as Liv licked her shamelessly, supporting the blonde's weight the best she could as she felt the petite legs tremble.

"Shhh baby, I've got you. I've got you." she soothed as Amanda collapsed into her arms, panting and struggling to get her breath back. When she came back from her high, it was her turn to return the favour and sent Olivia into ecstasy two times before the hot water ran out.

It was sunday and they planned on doing nothing for the day, just relax, watch tv, eat junk food, snuggle and have sex over and over again. They couldn't get enough of each other and found themselves always touching whenever there was an opportunity to do so.

"I haven't had a nightmare in almost a month now." Amanda said, smiling softly as they sat on the couch, snuggled up together, watching a comedy.

Liv tugged her closer and kissed the top of her head. "That's great honey. I'm happy that you feel more relaxed and comfortable in yourself. You've come a long way, my love, and I'm so proud of you."

"Thank you. You've helped me a lot and I can't even begin to tell you how grateful I am that you're here and supporting me through all this." she teared up hid her face against Liv's collarbone, sighing deeply.

"Hey, baby! I will always be here for you, no matter what. I love you so, so much. Don't ever forget that." she ran her fingers through blonde hair and peppered light kisses onto her forehead. The soothing motion lulled Amanda to sleep while Olivia continued to watch the funny movie, chuckling and giggling to herself and cuddled Amanda as close as she possibly could. She felt calm and at peace for once in her life. She couldn't remember the last time she spent a whole day inside her apartment, just relaxing, watching tv and eating comfort food. Having someone here with her just made it even more special and amazing. Having someone to share her life with made her complete. Eventually she joined Amanda in her slumber, a smile ghosting her lips even in the deepest of sleep.

When Olivia woke about forty minutes later, her arms were empty and Amanda was nowhere to be seen. "Amanda? Honey?" she looked around the sitting room and the kitchen but she came up empty. "Amanda?" she yelled, louder than the first time.

"In here." came the faint reply and Liv followed her voice to the bedroom. When she opened the door she saw Amanda sitting on the bed, legs crossed, a notepad in her hands and busy writing something Olivia couldn't make out from where she was standing.

"Hey, I got a bit worried when I woke up and you weren't in my arms. What are you writing?" sitting down next to the blonde she kissed her cheek and rubbed her back lovingly.

"A letter." Amanda said, her voice etched with sadness.

"A letter to who, sweetie?"

Sighing deeply, Amanda didn't know how to explain why she was writing this letter in the first place but decided to just tell Olivia about her idea that had come to her while she was sleeping. "I... I had this... this thought that I could write a letter to my..." she paused for a moment, her throat closing up at the thought of just saying the word, "...my baby. Maybe it's stupid. I just thought that... that if I told my baby girl how much I love her and what she means to me and then burn the letter, then maybe, just maybe, she will somehow get it, wherever she is, and then she'll know."

Amanda blushed slightly. Just hearing herself, explain to Liv why she was writing her dead baby girl a note, sounded completely insane and down right weird but Olivia just smiled gently kissed her gently on the lips. "I think it's great idea, honey. You seem pretty sure that you were having a girl." Liv stated, "A mother's intuition?"

The blonde shrugged and folded the note twice. "I guess. I mean, I know it probably sounds ridiculous but I just know. I just know that I was having a girl, I just know."

Liv placed her hand underneath Amanda's chin and guided her head up so she could look her in the eye. "It's not stupid at all, sweetheart, not at all. For what it's worth, I think your baby girl knows exactly how much you love her, no letter needed. But it's a beautiful and thoughtful think to do, sweetie."

Smiling faintly, Amanda gave Olivia a quick hug before sliding off the bed. "I'm gonna go up on the roof and do this. I won't be too long."

"You take all the time time you need, sweetheart. I'll be right here when you get back." Liv leaned forward and placed a soft sweet kiss on the blonde's lips, lingering longer tha usual.

Standing on the roof top, looking out over the city lights, she held the handwritten note in shaky hands and a small box of matches in the other. It was freezing outside. The air risp and clear so high up above the ground, no garbage, no fuel exhausts and no cigarette smoke. A strong gust of wind ruffled her hair and she shivered against the bitter cold, wishing she had taken a jacket with her.

Sighing, she lit a match and let the small flame lick the corner of the folded paper. "This is for you, my sweet. I'll always love you and I'll always be with you just like you'll always be with me. One day I know I will meet you."

Watching the paper shrivel up in her hand, she said a silent prayer before dropping the burning note down the building, the smoke and ashes scattered in the wind as it disappeared into nothing. She broke down in sobs but somehow she felt relieved and surprisingly peaceful. It felt like she had a chance to say a proper goodbye, a farewell and a promise that they would undoubtedly see each other somehow, somewhere.

Just as another powerful wind passed, causing her to shiver, she felt a thick blanket being placed around her shoulders and strong arms wrapped her waist from behind and Liv rested her head near Amanda's ear. "I realized that you never took your jacket and I figured you must be freezing about now." she kissed the nearby cheek. "And I was right, your absolutely freezing, honey. You okay?" she rubbed her hands up and down Amanda's trembling arms.

"Yeah, I'm okay." her voice was soft but full of tears as she turned around and buried her face in Liv's chest. "It's just hard." she admitted after a while, feeling Olivia's arms tighten around her middle.

"I know, baby, I know. We'll get through this, okay? I promise you that, sweetheart. Now, come on, it's Baltic out here and I'm about to freeze my ass off."

"We wouldn't want that, detective. I quite like your ass the way it is." she chuckled as they together headed back inside the warmth and safety of Olivia's apartment.

The End.


End file.
